they tend to choose people more broken than themselves I think. People that are so different from the values their spouse posses......it's often someone that people would go "so not their type" comments
I believe this is what is meant
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Ambivalent, Here is an article that I found on "affair down". I think you will find it enlightening.
"So is there really an attraction to the other woman? Not really. It’s just that they are the sickest, weakest, most pathetic of the pack. For a man who is insecure and whose self esteem is at an all time low, he scans the herd for the easiest prey as he knows anything even remotely desirable will turn him down.
Self assured, strong, and healthy women will not do as those women want nothing to do with a married man. Wayward husbands are only looking for someone to boost their ego, so they must look for someone far beneath them, so they can feel superior. What better way for an insecure person to feel powerful and admired than to pick the least and most pathetic of the bunch? The fact is … they always affair down…way down.
Men know that the other woman is no match for their wives. Their wives are beautiful, faithful, strong, intelligent and the mother of their children.
The truth is, the other woman could be just about anyone slow enough and stupid enough to be willing to accept what little the married man has to offer.
In fact, she accepts the very worst parts of the married man: the liar, the cheater, the deceiver, the broken man. His behavior is lower than low, but that’s okay with her. She accepts trashy behavior, because she is trash.
She has no self-esteem because she knows her value is nothing… She accepts his cheating ways and lowlife behavior because she knows her place in the pack – at the end of the row."
Ambivalent, the op will be the exact opposite of the lbs. Because right now, he's the exact opposite of the man pre-crisis, therefore, he's looking for someone he be superior over as pointed out above.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you want additional info on "affair down" descriptions, I have a friend who has her own site that has an excellent description of "affair down" and I would be happy to copy/paste the description here for you. Unfortunately, I can't give you her site because of the rules here on the forum.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Here is a portion of the article. My friend did an excellent job of capturing the description of an "affair down". Please keep in mind that the "affair down" partner can be of any education...but it's the moral compass that is off kilter in them.
"MLCers affair down; there may be a number of reasons. •The Knight in Shining Armour Syndrome/Rescue Complex: He is seeking someone who can look up to and admire him. He needs a damsel in distress. •Birds of a feather... He found someone who matches his present level of behaviour and maturity. •For some, Pond Scum is the only thing available--the only thing willing to date him. •She has loose morals; she will let him live the Bachelor Party Life. She's loose with booze and perhaps into drugs. She will let him do whatever he wants--as long as she can control him. •Curiosity: he wants to take a walk on the wild side (to boldly go where many men have gone before). •Variety is the spice of life. •He thinks she's trashy, easy and therefore a sure thing. The alienator may be your opposite, why? •If you are a moral person who wouldn't date a married man, he isn't going to find a willing woman who is like you. Thus it follows that she would be unlike you. Moral woman don't knowingly date married men. •If he views you as too nice, perfect, or pious, she may be his rebellion against what you represent. •Whether he shows it or not, he is feeling immense guilt. Since a large portion of the guilt is from his adultery, you are a reminder of his guilt and thus thoughts of you make it worse. A woman similar to you would remind him of his guilt, which he is trying to escape. •It didn't work with you, so he wants someone different. •MLCers live within their shadow self; they become their own opposite. We subconsciously seek out partners who fulfill our missing pieces and needs. In his opposite state, he needs a person different than you to do this."
You can do a google search on the words "affair down" and there are plenty of articles that describe the the situation quite well.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
If you search up Hero, spouse and Midlife crisis, you will find it. :-)
It helped me tons!!!! When I learned about the OW. It lessened the sucker punch feelings. Her description of who the OW is typically is awesome. I forget what she calls them--predators?
Give it a shot.
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
Ambivalent, Just checking to see how you are doing today. I hope you can find a way to breathe and settle down a bit.
I know that you are feeling very angry, hurt and disappointment w/your h, but you've got to let him go. He needs to focus on his journey to figure things out. There's nothing you can do to change his journey and if you do attempt to do so, his journey will take longer. If you attempt to "snap him out of it", he may return for a while and appear normal, but eventually he will go back into crisis and it will be worse the second time around.
Your journey is to help you to become a stronger, more independent person and yes, rediscover the person you were pre-marriage. It is to help you better understand yourself and you will be far wiser than you are today.
I do hope that you will find the strength to walk the path for a while longer and put your faith in the system. It does work.
Take care.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Trying to find guidance on whether or not to confront about the receipt.
Got out my emotions, calmer today, not sure where I am or where to go from here.
I never responded to his texts last night. I'm wondering if he was touching base, and needs a bit of assurance. So I may just let him know I got them , and just say something about the reds's
Still in quandary, and really tired.
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
