Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis chicken or egg?

Here's the thing: Your excitement for your new life has to be genuine. She'll know if your just trying to impress her, and that will make you look pitiful.

While I understand that you don't want to fight the D, that doesn't mean you have to do the leg work or speed things along. In my mind, the more time that passes before the D is final, the greater the chance she will have a change of heart... especially if you play your cards right.

VERY good point. As I've found, I do the GAL for me, not to impress anyone. I'm not going to play games.



I believe we'll need to get legally S for a time in our state anyhow before D can be finalized. Not sure how to slow things down without dragging my feet. At this point, W is setting up our first appt. I want to get along through the entire process of course.

ETC

alright, so I slept on my last comments.. My basic DB plan as of now is as follows:

- Don't fight D process, but only accept terms that I'm comfortable with. W knows I don't want this. No need to say that anymore to her.
- Totally accept D. If I know anything about my W, when she gets an idea, there's no stopping her from pursuing it. I've seen her do this with many things and often in the end she realizes they aren't what she thought they were and has regrets. Now, this could be different, but my W is bound and determined to see what it is like to be a "free woman." There's no stopping her. This is going to happen, but even she admitted recently that she might want to try to work things out in a few years. She wants to see what life is like completely on her own. I need to allow her to have that. And I'm actually thrilled right now b/c it seems that we can get along well through this and she seems committed to not hurting me financially.
- Continue focused work on building amazing relationships with my kids by continuing to learn about their LLs and keeping their love tanks full.
- Start GALing on my nights off like crazy. I have a lot of things I want to accomplish. I have house projects. I have some new career goals. I want to get out and meet new people. The only trouble I have right now in this regard is that I'm close to becoming broke. So, my GAL activities are going to have to basically be free.
- Continue seeing an IC at least once a month. I'm doing a lot of inner work through the NUTs and NMMrNG programs. I'm learning a lot more about my own manhood.
- Get myself back on track spiritually. I feel like I've put my relationship with God on hold because of a lot of this stuff. I think my W's denial of faith has had a big impact on me. I need to spend more time in quiet and prayer.
- Plan a trip somewhere in the next few months and go solo. One thing I'm learning to do is more things on my own. I also want to plan a trip with my kids, but I'm going to have to get $ for this. We'll see.

Anyhow, that's where I'm at for now. I don't want to play games though. I want to keep it real.

ETC

etc.,
I like your DB plan. It's real and doable.

Thanks snodderly! I am thankful for all the feedback, support and and encouragement I can get!

It sounds like you came up with the best plan for your sitch, etc. I too am a big fan of NOT playing games. Bust On, my friend. No one knows how things will play out.

Thanks FY. W just transferred a gift to me which was very kind of her. I noticed in her email to someone else she referred to me as a "friend" . Yes, I need to accept that I am no longer her H and get used to this as hard as it is. That little boy inside just wants to scream!!! I just tell him, settle down... it will be OK .. we'll get through this.

ETC

i'm wondering if a cheese-less tunnel has been going dim... it seems that the emotional disconnect is what brought us here and the only way back is to rebuild that. if i can be friendly in a lovingly detached manner, do you think that might help my sitch? going dim has likely proved more of the same.. that's one point in my plan that i'm still a little confused about. any thoughts?

ETC

Well, you said she's hell bent on being a free woman, so maybe the dim/not so dim tactic doesn't matter much. Do what helps you the most.

Maybe try to encourage her to find the "freedom" she seeks without ending the marriage. Don't come out and say this though, because obviously she'll object.

As you have found, you can't convince her of anything, so don't try! (this was one of my common pitfalls)

But it is possible she can find/do things to fill her need to be a free individual while still being in the marriage. This is what my love seems to be doing. It's still hard to wait it out, but at least we're still together.

Another point... I think the A is still active. I have no reason to believe it's ended. So, that's another component here for sure. I think friendly, yet detached will be my goal. I believe she wants out also partly to openly pursue the A, but that's a guess on my part. The A needs to play out whatever it leads to.

ETC