Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis WHEN PATIENCE IS LOST

RL,

" Who knows what? " will not happen for a long time. No starry eyed expectations there. This is where I hurt him deeply <:C

I'm just trying to show him he can trust me, and that I'm not wanting or needing something from him. Thank you for your kind thoughts and words!



H. wanting the use of the SUV was a Godsend, for it allowed me to be magnanimous and interested in his activity. Going on the hike in the woods, tracking deer and seeing where they bed down was so awesome.

I really enjoyed it and I could tell HE enjoyed that I enjoyed it. Sorry if that sounded so silly!

He needs much stroking right now, assurances that I can be happy with HIM! That I accept who HE is. So much Venusion/Martian speak was misinterpreted in our "former" marriage! It came to me today how after I cooked the dinner, he had to ask if I still liked the stove he purchased for me over five years ago!

It is a Viking and it was a way of saying " I love you " in Martian speak. Funny how he still needs to hear my appreciation.

Another interesting tid-bit . He JUST noticed that I painted one of the kitchen cabinets! I painted it February 28. Three months before BD. He actually said :

" WOW you painted the cabinet ! " I just replied :

" Yes I did! "

Now it isn't like one could overlook it, it is RED! He must have been SO into his head that he saw nothing. I guess the noticing it means he's getting more comfortable in the house again?

I know I went on and on about sexual attraction between us when I was plummeting the other day. I am curious. When they state they don't feel that way towards you, what sends those feelings back for them? As a woman, mine came and went with, stress, hurt, and mostly hormones.
The stress isn't going away anytime soon, meaning finances, so am I to expect his desire for ME to stay gone? He does still masturbate, so according to him it all still works. Or does he keep telling me that he doesn't have desire, yet checks me out (covertly) mean something I'm not getting? Is he telling me this because he doesn't want me to initiate something? Or is he telling me this because he WANTS me to initiate something. One of his bugaboos was not initiating.

SO confusing.

Being able to go on the hike, having dinner, and doing the hunting breaky this morning made me realize something.

ASK before I do, then listen to the answer, heed it.
It speaks volumes to another person. They hear:

She cares enough to ask.
She cares enough to do.
I'm important.

I believe I was pretty immature in many ways. Stunted in a sort of younger relational manner. I was 19 when we started to date. I had completely lost myself in another boy, and vowed not to do that to myself again.
I was completely myself with my H. I figured if he didn't like me for who I was then so be it. I didn't let that go when we took our vows, I did not become a "we". He did, I fought it. I bought into the 70's women don't need a man, don't give up your identity...yadda yadda
yadda!

@@ < eye roll

There IS a huge difference between men and women, it needs to be embraced as well as appreciated. Men need to feel secure in their masculinity and women need to stop emasculating men to feel like they are accomplished or equal.

I'm growing , thank you God for giving me this horrible no good very bad year. For I would not have learned this humbling lesson of humility.
Thank you for giving me three days to rise and learn. I'm trying my best and I hope you see that I'm listening
Love,
Me

Hi Amb...I have been following your thread as a silent cheerleader! You're doing awesome with DBing your MLCer.

I would like to chime in with my perspective on the above matter of sexual attraction, masturbation, and initiating ML?

As a former MLCer, I can offer some insights and perspective on sexual feelings. When we perceive our spouses as the "problem" in the M, our sexual feelings take a nose dive for the following reasons: 1) The fog is heavy in our heads which does this 2) Numbs our emotions and has this effect 3) Sexual feelings for the spouse is almost nil. Why would we feel sexual toward someone who is the "main problem" in the marriage? We do not have the warm and fuzzy feelings for him/her. That results in a drastic tampering off of "love feelings" and deposits in the love bank are very much in the overdraft.

I'd like to address the masturbation issue as it relates to men. For men, they are highly sexual creatures due to the high levels of testosterone so they act out their internal fantasy and self-pleasure. In answer to your question about why H is telling you this and all of the attendant questions, the simple and short answer is that H is NOT ready for sexual intimacy with you. He's not going there yet he has his own needs that needs to be fulfilled, if you will.

In other words, it is NOT about you. Please don't take this personally. Even before you two can reach that level of intimacy, the best thing at the moment is non-sexual touches to build up trust again and get those "love" feelings back. It will take some more time before you two are able to initiate these types of sexual overtures.

To me, it appears that the fog is starting to lift from H as he's starting to notice you in a different way as a sexual person which is why he's giving you the "eye candy" look. Also I suspect that he's flummoxed by these feelings that are starting to crop up after all the time of feeling numb for so long. Treat him as a confused male teenager who is discovering those "crazy hormones!"

Hope this helps!

Wonka...thank you for sharing but I just got another blow!

Since my husband has my suv hunting I have his car. While in it I had to write something down and grabbed a piece of paper.

He is most definitely having an affair <:'C

He purchased on a card from Lord & Taylor in Annapolis :

2 chemises 32.00
1 3 pc. Pant Suit 101.99
1 Faux Fur Jacket 196.00

total 349.59

God, my heart is pounding as I write this. He will be home by dark tonight.

I want to confront him and see his face when he answers. I believe I can keep from crying.

I had a feeling when I saw his profile picture. No man poses in a straw fedora with a cheesy grin on his face for another man to take the picture.

The purchase was 10-13-2013

I am SO confused right now. What is the story with the OW and not letting me go? Do I confront and take the fun away? Or do I pretend I no nothing and just watch and see how he behaves.

It makes sense that he was usually non communicative during the weekends.

Please all rally, I need help here , I'm crushed and in tons of pain. I only have a few more hours.

okay, take a deep breath Amba. Hopefully one of the vets will step in to help you here. I am definitely NOT a vet!

But I do know that most of our MLCers have OP. It's part of the scenario. The receipt does not mean that H is having a PA, he could be embroiled in an EA. Not that an EA doesn't hurt just as much. Maybe it is neither. Why would he leave a receipt for Lord and Taylors where you could see it if he is having an affair? Maybe it is a gift for someone else, his sister. You? Gee I am so sorry Amba.

In Divorce Remedy, MDW wrote: "You are going to see and hear things you think are unfair and unjust...You are going to have to just let things happen, go with the flow....pushing an issue will only push him away. It is very important to give your husband space. He needs time to think, feel and experiment, even if part of the experimentation involves another woman....There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things you can do to make things worse, like interrogation and issuing demands.....The one thing you have to keep in mind throughout this journey is that your husband will have to find his own answers....Letting go is amazingly difficult, but unless you do, your marriage probably won't work out. You have to learn to detach from your husband's confusion and let him struggle through it until he sees a clearing."

I know this is hard, that you were just so happy and now your world is rocking. It is up to you whether or not you want to confront your H about the receipt. Do you want to know he is having an affair? If it were me, I would just ask about the receipt, not accuse him of having an affair. I don't honestly know if I would have the nerve to do even that.

Amb,

If I were you, I'd ask H about it. Be prepared for a BIG blow back from H claiming invasion of privacy and all sundry stuff out of his mouth. Stand firm and ask what the receipt was all about. Give him an opportunity to explain.

Calmly state that you were reaching for a piece of paper to write something down and came across this receipt. Then redirect back to H and ask him these items since it was fairly expensive.

Remember to stand firm and maintain a calm composure.

You can do this!!

Wonka thank God you are here! I am useless

Never! You are very much valued here, Linda dear. (((Linda))) You do have a lot to offer here in our forums!

As much as I would love to believe he isn't having one...I'm not stupid.

Look at the list again, I don't wear 3 pc. pants suits, nor faux fur jackets!!!!

He would NEVER buy these for a sister!

This is such crap!

I'm over here thinking of how to save money on the cable bill and getting rid of a storage unit, and he's thinking of how to buy sh!t for this other woman.

Come ON!

You know what kills me, is he was responding! I could see it.

No B.S.

I just wonder how much guilt he's feeling right now, especially since I sent such understanding e-mails. Did all this stuff the past few days.

WoW and WOW!

God please tell me why? Why such wonderful time and why did I pick up this stupid piece of paper?

Why would he even leave it in his car? Why not throw it away? It isn't even the receipt from the card, it is the sales receipt! You know what is eve stranger, he used two discount coupons!

aaaaaaugh!

Then follow Wonka's advice. Tell him you picked up the receipt because you needed a piece of paper. Firm, composed. Let him explain.

I'm sure he IS feeling a ton of guilt, and yes he honestly is attracted to you. I'm sure he is being torn apart. Just like you are right now.

The reason why -- MLC. It sux. Big time. Why did you pick up that receipt? I don't know but will tell you that many strange things have happened to open LBS's eyes, including my own, to what our spouses are doing. I read an email from my H to RT that mysteriously arrived in my email inbox. Friends have had things happen like you just did. Now you will know the truth, Amba.

Hang in there. Read Wonka's post again. You CAN do this.

I'd like to point out that the receipt was in his car and he didn't give one thought to the fact that you might use his car and he may have forgotten the receipt was in there. It's typical mlc forgetfulness. I went through something very similar.

When he returns, ask how his day went, etc. You want to be very calm and collected and do not react in anger. You can tell him that you had to run out to the store and needed a piece of paper to jot down some notes and when you found a piece of paper, there sat the receipt. I would ask him in a very calm voice who the clothing was for. Now, be prepared for him to go angry and not look you in the eye. Be prepared for him to start talking a bunch of BS and yes, even the divorce word may pop out...but you stand strong and firm do not waiver.

As for the cable bill and storage bill...I wouldn't be so worried about them right now. I'd leave the cable bill alone, but the storage unit, it might be time to start thinking about cleaning that one out. If he can afford to lavish someone w/gifts, he can afford your cable bill. After all, he's living rent free in a condo right now.

Quite frankly, my dear, they are clueless about getting rid of evidence. They are kids who think mom and dad won't stumble across things....but we do in the most obvious places.

Good luck! Just remember to breathe!