Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Need better plan of action, H is home but distant

Hi all - I haven't been on these boards in about 7 months; I feel like I'm up against a lot of confusion about what stuff is mine and what isn't mine, in my M.

Here are some threads I started back in 2012 if you care to read up on my original sitch:

after I found out about my H's A

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...913#Post2232913


when he went through his "short" MLC

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...104#Post2303104


Things got a lot better after he "came to again" back in January, and said he felt he had been going through some kind of MLC but realized he didn't want to lose me. He started showering me with love again and I felt that we were definitely on the right track. We started being close again, doing things like going out to dinner, going on short trips, etc. (Btw - I had suspected the MLC myself, but kept it to myself till he was ready to talk - as per the good advice I got here).

For the most part things did go back to normal over the past few months or so, not to say we don't have problems, we always have, to some degree but I can say it felt good to be together again. And I felt like a team, and loved by him again.

He had gone to see our MT at one point a couple of months ago, because we had a serious conversation about the infrequency of our sex life while we were on vacation, and I think part of the reason seems to be he's still holding things against me from our early dating life. I still don't understand a lot of it, but that's another story.

A couple of weeks ago we were getting ready to eat dinner, and an argument erupted between us. First he started raising his voice over something, so I asked him not to yell if he wanted to say something, then it kept up, etc. I was tired and not in the mood and ended up saying he was being "a little B".

I usually don't resort to name calling (for the most part) but I think lately I've also been feeling really taken for granted, ie: he's doing a lot less for me like cooking me dinner like he used to without complaining about it, doing anything thoughtful for me at all, even trying a little bit. I feel like it's gotten really comfortable for him and although he hasn't been unkind, and still says he loves me etc, we're out having fun at times - I had brought up at least a couple of times that I was feeling resentful lately, due to being the only one to ever plan and pay for our vacations, always having to be the one to have the emergency money if anything ever came up, always paid for anything he needed and was always having to drop the idea he would ever pay me back (only if it was a large amount and I needed the money) and was the one who tried to do thoughtful things for him whenever I could, etc. I tried to let him know that those things were definitely still important to me too, like just an occasional card, planning things for us to do, etc. His reply was that "we're not dating anymore".

I don't want it to sounds like I'm keeping some kind of score. I was never the type that expected anything fancy or felt I needed to be compensated for anything I did...for the most part I've always been perfectly content with an occasional sign of thoughtfulness here and there, just like anyone would. It's more so that increasingly I feel like I'm in the role of giver, and he's in the role of "comfortable taker".

Anyway, the argument turned into a full blown fight. He retaliated to my insult with the C word - first time for that but it really hurt. It ended up where we both just went off on terrible insults and I regret it deeply. Because of the severity of this fight, he ended up saying "you know you were really cruel". Which is surprising because he went for the jugular on all counts!

I immediately texted him once he left for work and apologized for what I had said. He did too, but said something about "sorry I wasn't the man you wanted" or something. The next day I tried to approach him again with an apology and to ask if he was planning on leaving (kind of a theme for him always saying it), but it ended up with him telling me that yes he was going to leave me, that our marriage had disintegrated, that he just wanted me to leave him alone and stop talking. Apparently me saying "I can't deal with you not speaking to me for months again" wasn't a wise thing to say. And for the most part, we haven't really spoken a ton in the past few weeks. I did tell him if he wanted to leave, he should move out then, and the reply was "when I have the money, I don't have it right now".

There are really small signs he's almost coming around (wearing his ring again) - wasn't wearing it for the first week. He brought me a snack from work and gave it to me this morning. We've been joking a little here and there. He's still sleeping in another room though. We haven't spent time together, or spoken about what happened. I'm not pushing the issue like I normally would. I guess I don't understand why or how I put myself in the position to be the one who always has to wait for him to come around. And I don't understand how he always holds a grudge for so long. Or maybe he wants to leave, I have no idea.

In the meantime, I've upped my social life by a lot, have been keeping busy and don't bother him with "why, when, what". But I feel like once again I have no answers as to whether he's really leaving or not. He's so casual with me, and it's driving me crazy. How does someone turn off feelings for you?

I'm acting as if I'm moving on with my life, with or without him, showing no sadness or real emotion and just playing it close to the vest, but am wondering am I doing something wrong? Why can't I have a normal marriage? I know I'm not perfect, but how long am I going to be punished? I feel like the most unhealthy couple ever.

I have thought about what's stopping me from leaving, and it's that when things are back to normal, I'd say 80% of the time things are great. It's the 20% that gets us. Of course there are things I'd like to change in his behavior, but those aren't deal breakers. He's kind to me and thoughtful with his words, I guess. It's not like I'm being abused or feel unloved. I just wish things were a little better, and this makes me feel like maybe we're more screwed up than I thought?

Have you ever considered that it is not about YOU?

MLC is all about your spouse.

They need time and space to get through it.

Normally more time than people want to give them.

I have thought of that Cadet. I certainly don't think it's simply about just me. I just honestly don't know what's happening, since a fight that I was involved in spurred the whole thing. I still feel bad about my part in it.

It sounds naive but I thought he was over the MLC (or the part where he goes and withdraws somewhere for months). He also seems to do this month long avoidance thing (or longer) since last year or so. He's always held grudges a little longer than me, but never for this long, and he's never been so explosive over little things like the recent past. I feel like this was bound to happen, as I found myself walking on eggshells suddenly and being taken out of context a lot.

Somewhere in my mind I still don't know if he's planning on leaving, or if that was just something he said after that terrible argument. That was the last thing he said during it. If all this is part of his ongoing MLC, I would actually feel a lot better about it and I have less of an issue giving him space like I have been, rather than him wanting out, and I'm kind of clueless about it.

I'm having difficulty navigating this thing, or how to think of it in my mind. I don't know which end is up. Some days I see him and he's amicable and chatty for a few minutes (still keeping to himself for the most part though). Other days I feel like he's a roommate I have, who I don't have the right to speak to. If I don't say something at all ("I made dinner if you want it") we wouldn't speak at all. He hides out most of the day.

Maybe I need to read a little more on the MLC. I feel like I'm going crazy. Life seems normal one minute, and then I realize I'm not even sure if I'm technically supposed to be moving on with my life or not without him. I'm sure I'll get better at this. In the meantime, you really wouldn't know I'm agonizing over it, or he wouldn't. I'm carrying on with life and keeping busy. I figured this would be the one place I could take this and not feel as isolated. I don't really want to bring my friends / family into this too much!

YUP
Click on my name and read some of my MLC posts, it shouldnt take long to find one with all the info you need to read.

Let me know if you have any questions.

I'm not sure that's "another story", a poor sex life can spill over and cause seemingly unrelated marital problems. He just saw a C one time for that? That should be something that both of you should be seeking ongoing help with.



When you say you feel "taken for granted" I hear "love tank is on empty". Have you read the Five Love Languages? The way to get your love tank filled is to fill your spouse's first, then he will WANT to fill yours. If your response is "but I'm already filling his" then my response to that is "not in the ways he wants". Read the book and put it into practice ASAP!



I bet that's "more of the same" behavior for you, isn't it? You think you're communicating, but you know what he hears? Nagging. MWD discusses this very thing in DR. What you've got to do is break out and do a 180 on that, and reading 5LL can help get you there.



That's just your perception. His perception is probably that you constantly "nag" and "complain". And please understand, I'm not saying you're a complainer. You and I both know that you're just trying to get through to him, you're trying to communicate. But you're doing it on your terms and not his. You need to learn what his terms are.



Very sorry to hear this, but do what he's asking and leave him alone. Give him time and space.



Now is not the time to apply pressure to him. He may be acting out based on the argument. Let him cool off.



Good, keep it up!



Most of us don't understand why our spouses aren't willing to work with us, but such is the WAS/ LBS dynamic. It is what it is.



He didn't, he's just trying to bury them and convince himself they're not there.



There's no such thing as a "normal" marriage. ALL couples have the same kind of problems as you and me. It's just that some couples are better equipped to deal with the problems when they come up. A successful marriage is one in which both spouses practice DB'ing whether they know the term or not. When you read about successful marriages you'll hear the same things repeated- "we know when to give each other time and space", "we have our lives together but also live independent lives", "we have problems like everyone else, we don't try to make them go away, we learn how to live with them", etc. All DB'ing principals.



What it means is you need more help than you thought. Too many people try to reconcile without (or with minimal) counseling. It just can't be done. The lack of sex is a huge red flag that you've had unresolved issues since getting back together. If your H expresses interest in the M again, make sure to get help. Get a good solutions-based MC, or phone in to a DB coach. Or both!

I will absolutely do that thanks!

[i]Good suggestion, thanks. Glad it's par for the course, anyway. I do need help, so I'm open to anything and everything, including coaching. [/i]

I just read through some of Cadet's posts...I also saw one called "MLC Signs". It was like someone was watching my H and charting his every move. I guess he's still in it. I don't know why I was naive enough to think he was out of it! Wow, the behavior is so textbook it's not even funny. In some ways it is kind of funny.



I feel a lot better, oddly. Probably because I realize just how universal my "unique and miserable problem" really is.

Realizing that our spouse is likely in MLC can be comforting because we realize that others are experiencing exactly what we are experiencing. But be careful to not fall into the trap of thinking that your spouse's MLC excuses you from making the changes you need to make to you.

Welcome to the boards!!

This is so ridiculous. You can't rely on anything, even slow changes in this house. I was so happy he was starting to wear his ring again, and now I see he's left it here again for the past two days. I swear I feel like he's trying to hurt me. Unbelievable!