Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE How to convince resistant LD wife?

Why not more gradual steps? Tell the LD partner that you're thinking about having a friend with benefits. If that doesn't work, say you're looking for a friend with benefits. If that doesn't work, say you've found a friend with benefits and you're about to hook up but you haven't yet. If all of those things don't work, well then you almost have approval. So for the final step, ask for approval. If they refuse to talk about it, say you're going ahead and that lack of objection on their part sounds like approval.

I know that sounds manipulative and in-your-face. But is divorce or secret cheating any better?


True, and I'm in the "not often" category of that statement.

There are a few HD women who want sex every day, but not many. And as for sex being tied more to emotions for women, that is generally true, but not always. There's great variety.

Good question, and perhaps the ideal answer is in the form of a joke, like "quality sex is where you get everything you want". In my case it means lots of flirting, teasing, foreplay, role play, sharing of fantasies, sometimes light BDSM with a sense of humor, just plain vanilla sex at other times, variety in many ways, and a sort of energy and enthusiasm for sex including innuendos at any time. I could go on for pages.


Well, if we did all the things I mentioned above, it would be quality. But then would she still be a prostitute? Or is my wife or a friend a prostitute if I pay for the dinner and the movie? LOL

To summarize, energy, enthusiasm, a mind for fantasy, an engage person who thinks sex is really cool, because it is. Somebody who thinks sex is funny, because it is. Somebody who has a hard time understanding why some people don't like sex.

Well, here's an observation that comes from personal experience, and which might be helpful. Just as your sexuality and inhibitions are shaped by what you learn early in your life, it is also shaped by your sexual partner over time. If the LD partner has inhibitions and thinks something is "gross" or "not fun", etc., then sometimes the HD partner internalizes those reactions and begins to also think that perhaps they should also rethink what's OK and not. One's partner can sometimes have a heavy influence that way. And after a while, all this baggage can build up to a point where the HD partner is tempted to have a fling with someone else simply because it's so refreshing to hook up with someone who does not have all this negative baggage about sex.

My wife's negativity about all kinds of aspects of sex made me feel bad about my sexuality. Instead of taking it as compliment to her being desirable to me, she took it as demeaning or degrading, or just a plain PITA. So you can understand the temptation of hooking up with someone who would make me feel that my sexuality was a wonderful thing to be celebrated.

So, Ambivalent, it might help if you see that your husband being tempted to have sex with someone else might not be a rejection of you, but only a rejection of the sexual baggage you carry, which isn't really a part of who you really are, in the sense that you could change that, as you seem to have done now.


I totally agree. People think it comes naturally, and for many it doesn't.


Yes, I agree, I read that book some years ago. Do you have any female friends who could have given you the frank "big sister" talk? I think my wife missed out on that too.


I get that, and the thing I was trying to say above is that that response from a woman would make me feel hesitant about my sexuality too. Which opens up a vulnerability to someone who would make me feel great about my sexuality.


Wow, I would be very impressed if my wife did that.


My wife is welcome to jump my bones any time of day or night. Unfortunately, the chances of her doing that are exactly zero.


I am somewhat in that category with my wife too, but only because I have this feeling in my mind that my wife does not want me. When a woman has repeatedly sexually rejected you, the attraction is kind of shut down because of the negative conditioning, even though I can see that she's visually attractive. So if your husband found you attractive before, I think that could be turned around.

I could be way wrong here because I'm probably not like your husband. But I think if you talked about sex once in a while like it's something you're interested in, it might plant some seeds. Compliment him once in a while on his looks too. And if that doesn't work, pique his jealousy a little by commenting on how handsome some other guys look. See how he reacts. You've got to appear to be someone who has internal sexual energy. To me that is a big part of someone's "aliveness".

A menopause website says, "sex drive decreases gradually with age in both men and women, but women are two to three times more likely to be affected by a decline in sex drive as they age." The ages they mention are 40's and 50's.

Well, that fits my marriage perfectly. Good to know that my wife and I are not some freakish rarity. Sure there are many exceptions, but this statement clearly suggests that it's common for the woman to totally lose interest while being in a marriage where the man has not lost interest.

SSMguy,

I believe he is experimenting with other women or a woman to date...Found Viagra and four tablets have been used, he also has a tablet splitter. He has bought someone some lingerie, faux fur jacket and a pantsuit. I believe for some role playing.

I actually do! I feel devastated that I hurt him so much. It eats at me daily. I never realized what sex was to him.




I believe he felt judged and shame for things that he may have wanted to do with me. I was just so embarrassed to talk about sex, let alone explore other aspects of it.



This is EXACTLY where he is! It scares the Hell out of me, because I know he is experimenting out there and if he sees me as a mommy figure or "good" girl, then those feelings may not return. Add to that he has ED and depression, those affect desire as well.

I am devastated that I have contributed to the feelings of rejection in my husband. I have learned SO much, about desire, sex, how to's, myself/body.

The difficult part is him trusting . I know he is feeling as if I don't want or need him sexually. He could never bring me to a C. orgasm, only a vibrator could. So I believe that is also a factor.

I wish I could tell him that I actually managed to do it all by myself for the first time, without a vibrator! It was actually rather freeing , for I know if having sex with my husband ,that I can touch myself and should succeed. I never thought I could touch myself during sex. GOD this is so depressing...I'm 53 and JUST figuring out this crap!

Now when we had dinner the other night, I did flirt a bit and he laughed and joked back. Unfortunately he believes that he doesn't want to be like Pavlov's dog, I ring the bell and he comes running. I've done MAJOR damage, and honestly don't know if I will ever be able to rectify it.

You know I was doing well 'til I started writing about this, I'm sobbing now, for I feel like I destroyed a person who was so accepting of me, and I really had no clue.

I tried earlier in our marriage, and he said it felt contrived. I got shut down, and then felt even more awkward.

I don't know what I could do to get past this or even stimulate sexual interest in me.

Back in the beginning of BD, he did talk about dressing sexier, which I have. Now remember my age, and what I do is wear tight slacks ( flatteringly tight ), more form fitting tops, and even some cleavage.

I wear thongs and sexy bras to help ME feel sexy. It really helps with the attitude. I have started drinking, but since I wasn't a drinker prior, I get tipsy too easy. Also, I have to be careful due to a medication, so I don't get too inebriated.

I don't believe that would be attractive. Now months back, I did let him know that for some strange reason, my libido was off the charts. I even wrote two provocative/erotic short stories.

He was kind but made it clear, he had no desire. Now it was within two months of bomb drop and he was in the anger/resentment stage.

It is really a conundrum, for he wanted me to initiate. He has stated several times he has no desire for me...I don't know if this is true, for he professes it a bit too much, or if it isn't true. That he doesn't want to have sex because it could "lead me on" or be taking advantage.

Also, if he is seeing just one individual, the guilt can play a major factor here. I can't be nearly as titillating as a new person, especially someone who is more sexually practiced than I.

Right now I'm focused on just being someone he can feel at ease around, someone that brings feelings of comfort and listens to him.

I don't know what else I can do. Unfortunately with my weight loss , my boobs are shrinking. So the cleavage that I had is harder to achieve! (:o HA!

I will try to think sexual thought the next time I'm around him. That and thongs might subliminally exude my sexuality. I just don't want to come off as trying too hard.

Or that I'm desperate. Also, if he's been doing what I believe he's been doing , it isn't safe for me. But believe me, other than the body skimming glances , he has not shown any desire.

Since you ARE a man. How would you interpret it when he sneaks body glances, (he's an a-s man) is that attraction ? Or is he just looking?

Sounds good. As a first step, just showing a lot of energy and optimism is sexy (at least I would think so).


Well, there's a lot you can do without doing anything risky. But you should be firm about your boundaries.


Sounds like attraction to me. I check out my wife the same way even though I know nothing is going to happen. It's a good sign.

I wonder if he really has ED or if it's just psychological. Going out and experimenting might also involve anxiety with new people? Does he have any problems when he's going solo? Is he blaming his ED on you? Never tried any of those pills so I don't know how much they help in various psychological states.


I think you're being too hard on yourself, aside from the fact that it motivated you to go the extra mile. If my wife made the effort that you have made, I'd be extremely happy, not to mention shocked. But then again, I'm naturally optimistic and cheerful in spite of my situation. Your husband is dealing with depression and resentment, which can both be overcome. You make it sound like a permanent injury. It's not. It's just that it's hard to reverse overnight.


My wife has become that way too, even though she seemed more open when we first met. But if she changed, it wouldn't be too late in my case.


Those feelings can return. None of this is permanent.


Well, my wife never had an orgasm at all in any way with me, and she never said she had one by herself either. Sure, it made me feel inadequate at times until I understood better that it's not my fault. But it hasn't devastated me or reduced my libido.

I wish you were describing my wife. If she had figured it out at 53, I'd be overjoyed.

I understand how he feels. It's resentment from the past. But it will eventually go away after a lot of positive interactions where you look only to the future, without going over the past. Just keep up a positive attitude and he might eventually see that what else is out there isn't as good.


Way too hard on yourself. But I wouldn't mind if my wife felt a little bit of that! Just a little bit.


Maybe some control issues and sexual inexperience on his part? This kind of stuff is not your fault. Gee, it's amazing how manipulated one can be by comments in sexual situations.


As much as we men are seen to be visually attracted, they can also be warmed up with hugs, cuddling, affection and admiration. Make is seem like your sexy looks are only a part of your overall warmth. Of course, I'm speaking of what I find attractive, and not all men are the same.


Yeah, that makes sense. He's in his anger bubble. Try to not let it affect you. Stay positive and have a sense of humor.


Yeah, professing a bit too much indeed. It's such a complex thing, like do I have desire for my wife? At this moment? Or ever? You know, it's not something that is black and white in my brain. But put me in the situation and I'm pretty sure things will heat up. So just saying something like "I don't desire you" is mostly just manipulation. If at the moment one is not desiring someone, why even say that? It's such a negative thing. Obviously not designed to make you feel good. So what's the motivation for saying it? He's just expressing resentment in a hurtful way because he knows you're sensitive to comments like that.

Funny thing to say after all the cliches about how men like virgins and inexperienced women and all. Anyway, your having changed and dressing differently makes you somewhat new too, which he has apparently noticed to some degree.

Wow, sounds good to me. I wouldn't turn that down!


You can give it time. Resentment tends to wash away with time in the face of positive interactions. In the movies, it happens in a single scene -- that's not reality.


Those wouldn't be the reasons for any outcome. If I'm wrong, he's not worth keeping! Exercise and keep up the energy. Those are appealing things.

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I really don't think he would do anything...especially if he's already getting some.



Okay, what? Everything I know could transmit. I wouldn't even know how to use a condom... But that's getting way ahead.

Like I said before, he is not demonstrating any physical touch other than hugs.



I sure hope so. I'm down 36 lbs and counting...I always dress in figure flattering clothes.

Now I haven't bought any sexy sleepwear, I may do that soon, with a matching robe. For me, it helps to feel desirable...sigh...