Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis WHEN PATIENCE IS LOST

THANK YOU!!!!!

So far this seems the best...whew! I thought we'd never get there.

Off to gymn to get some stress out, and get another mop to clean the kitchen floor.

I'm looking forward to a walk in the hunting area. I love hikes and the woods. It will be good for my soul.

You better get your walking in today. My area is calling for rain starting this evening into tomorrow afternoon.

Try to remember that you can't do everything at once. It's baby steps all of the way. If you try too hard, it will only draw attention to what you are trying to accomplish. A little goes a long way...just remember that.

Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus

The difference between being needed and being needy.

This has confused me...if it does you, then read on.

..."Because she is afraid of not being supported, she unknowingly pushes away the support she needs. When a man receives the message that she doesn't TRUST him to fulfill her needs, then he feels immediately rejected and is turned off.

ironically, men are primarily motivated by being needed but are turned off by neediness.

"Needing" is openly reaching out and asking for support from a man in a trusting manner, one that ASSUMES that he will do his best. This empowers them

"Neediness"," however, is desperately needing support because you don't trust you will get it. It pushes men away and makes them feel rejected and unappreciated.

its a fine line Ambiv.... I typically would behave from the "neediness" position, I am working on the "needing".

To explain from my sitch:

I am very scared to reject and turn off my h... I am moving into a new place soon and this is exactly my new concern.

So, my new goal will be to allow h to do "some" stuff for me to allow him to feel good about "helping" ... empowered. BUT, I won't be calling & asking at every whim. Will display my new independence as well. ........ fine line!

Hope this explains it a little for you.

Magic

Hi Ambiv!

I read your description from the book about neediness versus needing and had a little picture pop in my head. I do better with word pictures

So a pretty woman has a flat tire. It is raining. She has heels on and a pretty skirt and outfit and looks very nice. Her car is downtown in front of a cafe.

She grabs her raincoat and gets out to look at the tire. She is surveying it with her hand on her chin deciding what to do. An attractive man with an umbrella walks up to her and offers to change the tire.

Needing: That would be great! I don't know how to do it myself. Here is the special lug wrench for the tire and here is the jack. I'll just slip into the cafe for a minute to get some coffee while you are changing it. I'll buy you a cup when you're done.

She walks away with keys in hand, heels clicking on the sidewalk. She tosses her head attractively just as she opens the door to the cafe and gives him a big smile.

Will he join her for coffee afterward?

Neediness: Oh, thank you! But I'm sure you have more important things to do. She opens the door and rummages through the glove compartment for the manual. She bites her lip, on the verge of tears. I just dont know what to do. Tears start to slip out of her eyes. I don't have the money for a new tire. Everything is going wrong today. She looks sadly up at the stranger. I ran my stockings on this old car seat when I was getting my raincoat out. I just look like a mess. sniff, sniff. I can buy a cup of coffee for you if you were actually going to change the tire. I might be able to scrape up some change for it.

Will he join her for coffee afterward?

Magic, I see your point. I would take the above carefully with a separation. If and when together it is something to keep in the back of one's mind.

So H. called earlier and headed out earlier, his meeting was pushed to 2:00

He called twice before getting to the house. I was ready and lookin' fine. Snug dark denim, bright clear red semi-snug wool cowl neck sweater. Hair done, face on and CLEAR skin!

Hopped in car and we chatted the whole way to the hunting site , West of where I'm living. He was kind of pumped that I was excited to see where they're going to hunt. He smiled a lot, was chatty as well.

I had him explain and describe his new job and share what he's doing. The 17 acre property was beautiful, leaves turning and a spring fed creek running through . He was up and happy to describe everything around us, gave some history. We were tracking the paths of the deer, where they bed down, looking for scat. He and I were both excited to see the salt block was half gone! This is a great sign.

H. brought out pellets to spread around and I got to do it too! It was really fun doing this together, and I could tell he really liked that I was having fun! We hiked all over about an hour and then headed back to the car.

He was limited on time, but still took the time to drive around and show me some areas and share some stories. When heading home he said:

" If we get a deer , I'll take you to the butcher's, you'd love it . There are lots of HUGE deer and all the antlers..."

Then we chatted about weight lifting , what each of us are doing , the results, how to achieve different results. YAY! I even managed to compliment him without it being too obvious or sappy. I told him when I was using his arm to steady myself, I noticed how big and tight his bicep was! He grinned and smiled and proceeded enthusiastically to share more weight lifting tips.

As we were getting closer, he said he needed to change into office attire when we got to the house. I casually asked if he'd like me to make him a sandwich. He enthusiastically said I would LOVE that!

When we got to the house he thanked ME for coming to see the area. I said it was a lot of fun and I really enjoyed it.

While he was changing I started to make him his sandwich, asked what things he'd prefer, 180, . I also got some mini gerkins and placed them in a small baggie.

As I was handing them to him, he noticed the pickles and said :

" Oooo I even get some small gerkins ." With a smile of appreciation and a twinkle in his eyes. As he left I again told him that it was fun, and he said it WAS! He also added

I hope you have fun at school tonight!"

Okay YAY! Having a beginners mind and heart really helped me to keep a PMA. I touched him very casually and no recoiling , it was a very good day. I'm pleased because I proved to myself that I could do it. That we could do something that was free, and different, have fun, and not talk about anything stressful.

It showed husband that he could go somewhere with me, that didn't cost him a thing! Making him the sandwich, really put some points into his bucket, I could see it all over his face. He loved that I casually offered. I acted very non chalant and it proved to be un contrived .

I casually let him know what I was making for dinner tomorrow night. The roast, and said I should get it out of the freezer to make room for his new deer this year. That was my way of showing him confidence in his ability to bag one.

All in all , VERY pleased. If this were a first date I'd say it was successful. God gave me this opportunity, lead me to some passages in a couple of books , and gave me the strength to do this today.

God is giving me another opportunity tomorrow, I'm up for the challenge and will stay focused on keeping a very light attitude, and a smile on my face. Tomorrow will be the first evening where we'll be alone in the house after dark! Wow! This is new.

No expectations, leads to no disappointments! I'm just so pleased I get these opportunities before Thanksgiving to work on myself and practice practice practice my listening skills.

Hi Ambiv,

I am so pleased how your hunting date turned out. It sounds absolutely wonderful and I think you had the most awesome PMA. Lots of teasing and flirting from both of you, good stuff.

Gosh I miss that!!

The interactions were light and positive, so fun. I'm so happy for the way this turned out for you.

Reaching , thank you! This is great!


Fabulous just fabulous!

That makes it SO much clearer! Thank you Reaching! I think we all should give more examples of this in different scenario's , it would really help others out.

I'll go second!

Need :

H. Would you please carry that heavy bag over to the porch? While you do that I'll go hold the gate door open for you.

Needy : H. Can you carry that to the porch, I'm not sure I can do it myself. You are okay with that right? I really hate to bother you .

Anyone else want to play?

Thank you SO much Pud. ! I'm really working hard and taking risks. It is so scary. I think this made his day better too! He went off with me having a big smile on my face. He had a fresh roasted chicken sandwich and his favorite pickles. He was stress free, the ultimate.

I could tell he enjoyed himself, I mean really, he thanked ME! I think we were both surprised at how enjoyable it was. He even kept letting me know we didn't have much time, as if he wishes he had more time to spend. That actually felt good.

I just let him know it was okay, no biggie. I acted " as if ". This was the most fun I've had in almost six months! Okay, now I have to enjoy the wee step forward , like Michelle says.

Back to work, read some more , set another goal! Gymn time! Then off to school.

Thanks again Pud.!

Job, I just saw this:

You are right...having a picnic ready would have been AWKWARD!

The tiniest casual " hey would you like me to make you a sandwich..." REEEEEALLY was appreciated. Asking before hand seems to be a great strategy. It lets them make a decision, and allows for feedback.

He is craving having someone care, think of him. Being non chalant about it lets his needs to be addressed but not in such an overt or in your face way.

Your advice...priceless! Thanks again.