Hey AD we started this trip around the same time and feel for you. You CAN let go. Letting go to me is a combination of choosing and things just happening over time. It is both. Yes time helps but also pushing yourself so it occurs. If he came home tonight and said he wanted to spend it with you, would you let him? Have you sat down and thought hard about what you want out of life? I just have lots of questions as usual ((())))
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I forgive you for not hanging on my every word, but my eyes have been opened a great deal since i got the bomb. The short version is that i learned my h was verbally abusing me and our kids and crossed the line into physical abuse with the kids. I have learned why it was possible for me to submit to that and to not even recognize it, and how to stand up to it.
I did plenty of things wrong in my marriage too, and would love to be married to someone capable of an emotional connection and interested in healing the wounds that led us to harm each other.
If h asked to come home today i would say no, rick.
I'd feel sad about that but i would say no.
I won't go back to that.
Because of where i was in my process of growing up, he seemed like a good fit. It was a big mistake, but probably one i had to make in order to get where i am. I believe things had to happen in this order for me. I'm not the same person now, and i can't be with H now.
I dont rule out the possibility that he might grow through this experience and seek professional help, and that would open up a chance for us, if i'm still available. But i'm not waiting for him and i don't think there's much chance for him. I've sat with him thru four MC sessions and he is literally terrified to look at himself. I'm sad, but not sad enough to shackle myself up to someone who feels ok only by being better than me.
Maybe you missed that part of my journey.
I really do mean it, that i'm just trying to be a decent human being to the guy, for the sake of my kids being able to sort out their own relationship with him.
I'm not looking at dating because i'm still working through a lot of my own growing-up issues, learning to be more emotionally healthy. Its a good use of time since i'm still legally married and like to follow the rules about that.
I don't think i let go by letting go. It just happens to me. But i do see each time someone here challenged me about whether i had let go, i can see that the reframing that person suggested shifted my thinking each time and led me further from my attachment. So maybe i'm using different words for the same thing.
I don't know how my behavior could look more detached. I last sat with h over a meal on fathers day last june, making small talk. I last spoke to him about anything significant when we argued over s15's drug use maybe around feb/march, not sure. We havent had any kind of relationship discussion since maybe last november, almost a year. I asked hom to move out. I never call him and he never calls me, just eml and txt when necessary. He's done some favors around the house and i've been as friendly as if it was a contractor. I'm not trying to attract him. So i really think if he thinks i'm pursuing him somehow, i honestly can't help what his mind tells him.
He's been so consistent about not wanting to be with me that i would really need to see skywriting and poetry to believe he might have a change of heart. And then i'd take it really really slow. My counselor does not believe he's capable of change, based on our 4 sessions with him, 2 more as a family, and the rest based on what i've said. Our work now is based on making sure i do better from now on.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Our work now is based on making sure i do better from now on.
and thats what matters now.
x
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Rick asked if I had ever thought about what I want out of life, and I've been kicking around various answers to that question. Some are very wordy. The short version is that I often do think about that. I don't sit down to think long and hard, it's more like what I think about when I'm on hikes or lounging in my hammock or in the morning before I get out of bed.
I think that everything I have right now is what I want out of life or on a path toward those things.
My bomb and the ensuing personal work opened my eyes up to living intentionally, with feeling, and looking to be authentic. No more skating across the surface, accepting whatever lot I get with a smile, and holding everyone at arms length. I say I love you to people I love, and I look them in the eyes, and I feel what I feel. That's a good improvement.
I live my priorities every day. Family, all three generations of it, as well as health and wellness, working enough to be secure but not too much to enjoy life, putting something of joy into every single day. Reaching out for others when I need a connection, or to find out if they do. Hobbies that I get excited about. A home full of love and chaos.
I don't have everything I hope for, because what is life if you have everything you hope for? I have a few areas that will be evolving over the next 10 years, my career, where I live, and of course the fact that my kids will be grown up by then. Saving up to travel. Strengthening all of my connections.
I don't have a guy to share my life with but I'd put that on the 10-year plan. For sure I'd love to be married again, I loved being married. I'm not really thinking about that much right now because I have a lot more pressing things to think about. But I do share my life often and enthusiastically with my friends and family.
I'm doing meetups about 3 to 4 times a month and enjoying sharing interests with interesting people. I like that my kids see that my life doesn't revolve around them even though I am always available for them. I like that they could name three or four things that identify me other than "mom."
I'm working on exorcising some demons that held me back in my past relationships, and practicing new skills as much as possible.
I always have more in my "inbox" than I can get done, but I get the important things done and I don't feel bad about the things I do half-a@@ because they're just not as important to me.
I want out of life deep connections with people, the ability to create beauty and joy by developing my talents and interests, to leave the world better than I found it, to raise young men who know how to love and be happy in life, to give back to causes that are meaningful to me, to have health and vitality for as long as I have life, to make a living that enables me to do what I think is important. That's enough to keep me busy all my days, but I'm not waiting, I'm doing or working toward those things all the time.
Another thing I got out of the bomb was being freed to seek help. It's been great. I find so much to work on in counseling, and love the books it has led me to. I really don't know why H and I were so worried about marring our "permanent record" all those years. If you need help, you need help, and it's stupid to think you have all the answers.
I think my life is fantastic and fun. It's not the same as what some other people do for fun, but it's what I want.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My bomb and the ensuing personal work opened my eyes up to living intentionally...
That's a very powerful word, one that I remind myself of daily: to live intentionally.
Very nice!
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Cool. Yeah, there's a lot in my life that just seemed to happen and for various reasons I didn't want to look too closely, just always wanted to make the best out of whatever I had.
I wanted to say something else too. It's nice to know that I got through the bomb and though it hurt, a lot, there was good to come out of it, and cliche as it is, it did make me stronger. Makes me think what was I afraid of before, emotionally? I think it's easier to take emotional chances now knowing that it's not going to kill me. Ironically, having been hurt and seeing it's not so bad makes it possible for me to have better relationships because I'm not afraid of getting hurt. It is really too bad that I didn't know this before, but I do believe things had to happen to me in a certain order to get where I am.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Accuray, you of all people, I know you're joking! There will always be a steeper mountain or crazier storm or cooler guitar lick.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
"I wanted to say something else too. It's nice to know that I got through the bomb and though it hurt, a lot, there was good to come out of it, and cliche as it is, it did make me stronger. Makes me think what was I afraid of before, emotionally? I think it's easier to take emotional chances now knowing that it's not going to kill me. Ironically, having been hurt and seeing it's not so bad makes it possible for me to have better relationships because I'm not afraid of getting hurt. It is really too bad that I didn't know this before, but I do believe things had to happen to me in a certain order to get where I am"
HI AD, I read this and wow, there is alot to what you said here. I personally was struck by the "things had to happen in a certain order" thought. Events in our lives do have a way of shaping who we are and what we learn from them. Glad I read this today, Thank you....
