Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers 2.25 Years, Moving Forward

Accuray, unfortunately, as my IC and I discussed my need to discover, accept, and ask for my needs to be met, it was noted that my H is not a "safe" person to ask. His responses in the past have been to belittle, ridicule, or punish me for what I asked for. IC has been nudging me to set boundaries with him (the side of being assertive that I'm generally more comfortable with) and even that I've been pretty resistant to practicing with H. I couldn't tell if it was cowardice masked by compelling reasons or if it was good judgment happening to line up with my cowardly inclination, but either way,

I still haven't had the conversation with H about how his text on my way home from the airport "you could have just answered the question," a little nose-thumb after I had not only answered the question but expressed gratitude for what H had done, made me feel. To let him know that he came across as rude and I didn't like it.

It just doesn't seem that important. It also seems futile. Also, if history teaches me anything, it is that his response will be some form of FINE followed by a punitive withholding of even necessary texts, about which I will be blamed for telling him not to ever text me. This just is how he is.

It is more important to me that he not have me as an excuse to distance himself any further from his kids. I don't need to assert myself with him, unless something is really important, and I don't need to make his interactions painful, shame inducing, or otherwise unpleasant. It just isn't worth it to me. He barely sees his kids as it is. Fussing at him about the tone of one text message will not achieve a goal that I really value.

So basically, Accuray, in my case your question has been considered and the verdict is that, in my specific situation, it's a lost cause. My H will not change because he doesn't want to change. To become different he would have to face some things about himself that he will probably never be willing to face.

OMG I think I just got the connection. I said I had been able to sleep with no evidence of drug use lately. It's probably clear now, but I was talking about illegal drugs and not sleeping aids!

Parenthood ain't for the faint of heart.

How about "you were rude and I don't like it. Therefore I will no longer respond to rude."

Ya, I know Ad

But it felt good to write it down.

Good job with S. I often wonder how we actually make it to tomorrow sometimes.

My question about need refusal was a selfish one -- I realize your H isn't going to step up on that front. I assumed IC was talking about other or future relationships and wonder what she had to say about having your request refused.

I'm a "giver" by nature so when I read the 5 LL's I thought "excellent!" It didn't even occur to me that someone would outright say "no" when asked, but W did, so what then? Your IC seems particularly good so I wondered if that came up.

Yes, Acc, in a way it did. Everything she's trying to teach me now is geared toward avoiding getting into another relationship like that. So if someone says no, then I know it isn't going to work, ever, and move on.

Erg, that's a little too blunt and black/white.

Really what I'm supposed to do is try to negotiate differences, and carefully watch how the other person responds to that. Are they genuinely interested in how I feel, are they willing to try to meet my needs, or are they rigid, put my request down or belittle my concerns. Not necessarily the first time, but when a pattern becomes evident that they are not able to negotiate differences with me, it's time to move on.

I just jumped on the "sleep deprived" comment in isolation to springboard my post and nothing was directed to you personally. There are certainly numerous valid reasons for sleep problems, I just firmly believe that being at peace with oneself is the foundation that good sleep is built upon. Without that peace...that acceptance of self based upon living out an honorable and respectable existence, fixing the other issues likely won't solve the sleep problem completely because the underlying foundational problem still exists.

We cannot escape ourselves, and at night we are finally alone with ourselves and we must face who we are - there is no hiding. To sleep - to rest - we must be able to accept ourselves for who we are and be at peace, and that comes with living life with courageous conviction, whatever those convictions are to each person.

That's step #1, which is simple, but certainly not easy. It is so difficult, in fact, that I imagine most people don't even have the courage to face themselves, though that is less likely here on a MB full of people trying to improve themselves.

All the best, adinva. You're certainly a positive example, a source of strength and motivation for me.

-PM

H's birthday was yesterday. I had it on the family calendar that's on the kitchen door, and I had mentioned it to both kids over the past couple of weeks. I wasn't decided on whether to buy him something from the kids like usual; this is his first birthday out of our house and I don't know anything about his new place like what size his bed is (sheets) or if he parks inside or outside (windshield frost shield) or if he has space or not (keurig stuff) - you can tell I mostly thought about presents while shopping in Costco lol. His favorite present to give is large packages of socks, that is one of the things he gave me for Christmas, but I don't even know what condition his socks are in.

It occurred to me that I'm just not connected enough to him to know what a good present would be. He'll get a Starbucks card or nothing, and it's headed toward nothing since it doesn't look like we'll be seeing him anyway.

I asked him if he'd like to meet us (me and the kids) so we could take him out to dinner somewhere convenient to him on his birthday or some other day this week. He emailed back that there wasn't a good day this week, maybe next week. I said ok, just pick a day then. And haven't heard back.

That's about as pursuey as I'll get. I bought a card but didn't mail it because I had figured we'd be meeting him for dinner, so now mailing it to him late with a Starbucks card seems almost worse than doing nothing. I said happy birthday on his actual birthday, invited him to dinner, and that's good enough.

It's not how the kids were brought up, we like to recognize birthdays and be thoughtful and celebratory about them, but it's a weird time, this first year apart. The kids had agreed to go to dinner, but it's up to H if it's going to happen. Well, maybe next week.

I know this is about his feelings and I don't take it personally, maybe he doesn't want to be around us, maybe he's not feeling good about his birthday, maybe he has hot dates every night this week, whatever. But it did strike me as bizarre that there wasn't a single day he was willing to commit this entire week that he might be able to eat dinner in a restaurant with his children in honor of his birthday. I wasn't asking him to get naked with me.

Just noting this occasion because birthdays, anniversaries and holidays around DBland always do seem to dredge up confusion about what is the right thing to do, what would be wanted, what would be DB, what do I want to do, how will it be perceived. I felt like a casual meal as a family was a pretty good solution, and if it happens I will enjoy it, and if it doesn't I will move along. There are bigger fish to fry than one man's birthday.

Sorry Ad, the WAS is a frustrating beast. I think you handled that as well as you could have, and I wouldn't take it personally.

AD,

This is going to be quick because while I'm having a really good week at work, I'm also having a really bad week at work. I'm not sure if the highs are going to outweigh the lows either.



Bingo, baby. I can tell you from experience that when my XH was firmly entrenched in this world, especially the first year of physical separation, he engaged in this behavior. He did it after then too, but it was the norm that first year after he moved out.

He actually told me that while he *was* confused, he didn't want to be with me and the girls and pretend (his word) that we were a happy family. He didn't want to pretend to himself that things were okay. He also didn't want to give me false hope. (I know, I'm still gagging.)

Don't take it personally, and I know you wrote that. It's really more a reflection of where he is and his mind reading than where you actually are. And my XH is truly a good dad and very involved with our girls - yet he would repeatedly ask for no kids on his birthday and father's day too. It confused them and it bothered me too. He was really guilty of pretending he knew what I was thinking - when, in fact, he was far off base.

I know it's a pain. But think about what ugly thoughts he's probably thinking by himself too. That must be some heck of a horrible self talk monologue he has going.

Hang in there, kiddo.

Betsey