Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy H ended EA and he's now depressed/mopey??

What should I do now that H has ended EA and is depressed.

We are together for the kids only and he says we will never get back together. We still sleep in same bed and wants sex often. This is something that is not normal for us. Before ILYBNILWY and wanting divorce.

H ended EA because OW is married. Says they won't be together, she lives 200 miles away and it is not fair to me.
However, H thinks she is the love of his life. They reconnected at 20 year HS reunion.
I know to not believe what he says but.....
Thanks!

As crappy as this may make you feel, it's normal for him to be depressed. He's grieving the loss of OW. You'll just have to let him ride it out.

If you are still hopeful of marriage, just keep DBing. If nothing else, it will make you a better person to have learned the lessons from DB and the people on this forum will give great insight.

Good Luck.

Tina825,

Yes, I know and I really shouldn't even care but....and I don't know how long he'll really not contact her. I don't trust him. He has said it before and started up again after 1 day. Although this was a couple of weeks ago and he wasn't acting like this.

I am DBing and will continue to.
Thank you!

Well, I found out H has yet another secret phone! He did not break it off like he said.
He is really ready to move out now. Before he wanted to stay through the holiday's for our kids and because we aren't financially able to. But he said he wanted to go.
Then this morning he said I will make you a deal. I will stay through Christmas and tell his EA it's over (in front of me) H gave me his secret phone. I am sure he'll go get another one.
Now 5-6 hours have gone buy and he said he is out. He said we agreed on it because I said if you are leaving after Christmas and won't work on us whats the point? I must have been drinking in the morning because I don't remember that at all!!
I asked him what about the deal? Not anymore. I give up it's he's staying he's going every day!
Honestly, I wanted him to stay so "I" could work on me and show him a better me. He says over and over everyday we will never be back. I told him why do you feel the need to tell me daily??
Anyway as it stands he is leaving. He was supposed to leave tomorrow but now he's working, has Weds off for now and working Thursday......

NotAgain, Don't believe any of what he says, and none of what he does. My husband had EA 08/12 and we split for 5 months, begged me back, then 08/13 I caught him with second phone talking to her again. You can't tell me he hadn't had contact with her for a year.

Yesterday he asked me if I wanted him back? He misses his best friend and loves me. I honestly stood there and asked myself Do I want him back? I'm not sure right now. I'm not ready to "work on this marriage" and then get punched in the stomach again in 6 months.

Not sure what I'm doing yet, but he knows the first thing he has to do is call OW in front of me, let her know I'm standing there, and that he plans on working on marriage and they are to have no contact. That's just step 1. I want to be a choice, not an option.

I'm going to go back and read your thread because I'm not familiar with your entire situation, but IMO, you need to detach. And if it were me, his bags would be on the porch. But that's just me.

Why is this his decision? Why is the one who does NOT have the marriage's -- and the family's -- best interests at heart, the one who is calling all the shots??




Starsky

Starsky,

Excellent question!! I is my fault because I want him to stay home, plain and simple.
We separated 7 years ago, by the way I went and read my old posts and was laughing because H is saying the same things, word for word and he says now. After we reconciled after 8 months he said it was all a lie....
I wanted to try DB with him home this time. I guess I should tell him to leave? However we can't get past the fighting. I need time away to cool off and I think so does he? Then we can try to get along. I honestly don't know.
Thanks!

No, you don't necessarily need to tell him to leave, but you DO need to decide what it is you want, and what boundaries you need to have in place in order to be emotionally healthy.

Let me start with this, as I want you to begin to change the way you think about this: you say "It's my fault, because I don't want him to leave." OK, fine -- very few of us did. But does that equate to "I don't don't him to leave, no matter what" ??? What if he were using illegal drugs in the house, in front of your children? What if he were ABUSING your children?

OK, I know he's not doing those things, but I assume that you would NOT be okay with either of those two extremes. That's because you have a "boundary of personal integrity" in place in your own heart, of "I don't want him to leave, so long as he's not using illegal drugs in front of the children or abusing them in any way."

And that's good -- that's healthy.

What I want you to try to do is, ask yourself "What ELSE should be on that list?"

You need to come up with a healthier set of boundaries as it relates to how YOU are willing to live with your husband, and what you -- Mamabear! -- will allow around your children.

I'm going to write a separate post to you about boundaries from another women who used to post here, that is just about the best way of putting it I've ever seen.

Starsky

What an old poster named Jayne used to say about boundaries:


Think about boundaries like this:

Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.

Your WxH can do whatever he wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling him what to do.

But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.

He's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because he'll be outside your circle. He's free to go on and draw his own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.

He can do WHATEVER he wants. He's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices he wants.

BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.

That's all. Not about trying to control him at all. Tell him he's totally free. He has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever he wants.

If he's saying you have to let him into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HIM controlling YOU.

Because those things WORKED (for him), and he believes they still do.

Change the dynamic, and he will have to respond to your new boundaries.