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I seriously don't get why everyone is being so hard on Jon.

He laid a boundary down which everyone encouraged. She broke it, and I may add she broke it badly. And she threatened him again.

He did the right thing. Some of his responses on here may not be very PC, but they were real and I doubt that anyone else didn't think the same things he did. Nobody is perfect and he shouldn't expect to be.

I don't think most people are being particularly hard on him, just trying to express to him not to trust his feelings right now. His kneejerk reaction is to say "I'm done, I'm outta here, and I'm glad about it!" But I don't think that's his logic and reason at work, I think it's his feelings. At some level he wants to hurt his W and he thinks this is a way of doing it, of punishing her by denying her his love. And there may be a bit of controlling and manipulating going on too- "this isn't going how I want it to so I'm going to force it to a conclusion on MY timeline." I think most people are saying to just step back and wait for the feelings to clear before making any decisions about what to do.



If I read his posts correctly, the PA had already taken place BEFORE he told her his boundaries. So that ship had already sailed. It was just 2 days ago (10-28) that he told her what his boundaries were. Here is what he told her:



So he told her that she would have to (future tense) sacrifice OM to be with him, but gave her no chance to comply with that boundary. He effectively made it retroactive. It's possible that her disclosure to him was her effort to comply, she was admitting to the PA and saying it was wrong and she wants to work on the M. Personally I don't think he's giving her a fair chance to make good on her promise.

Holy cow, I purposefully stayed away for most of the day, and I'm overwhelmed by the responses. I do want to respond individually, but wanted to give a quick update. I am speaking off the cuff, because my brain is fried, so please ignore DB rules right now.

W called me. She is (sounds) extremely remorseful. Told me that she was unbelievably messed up in the head. She told me she wants to be with me and no one else ever, and to be married to me, and she's willing to do whatever it takes. She told me the affair was positively only two times, and that she felt absolutely nothing, and they were like 5 minutes - she said she didn't enjoy it at all. She said it was partly revenge, and partly because she wanted to feel SOMETHING, but all it did was make her feel dead, and she knew she had messed up beyond all belief.

It kinda was funny - she said she honestly has never kissed him, because kissing to her is a romantic connection, and she felt nothing for OM. Makes no sense to me when you actually had two quickies. She said she has never had any emotional connection to him, he just a friend who was nice and helped her out a lot.

She again confirmed she was dismissing the divorce, and that she would not refile. She said she would completely end any and all communication with OM, and that she would be willing to give me the passcode to her phone, and her login to her cell account.

I told her I appreciated all that, and her honesty even though I knew it had to be incredibly hard, and I wasn't sure if I could come back from something like this, but I didn't want to make any decisions with all the emotions.

Unfortunately at the end, she told me that she is not going to ever be worth anything again, and that she will never be able to make it up or be good enough. She had to go to work after that.

---------------------------

I did respond rashly and emotionally yesterday. If this was a year ago, I would've spit in W's face, called her a whore, and never spoken to her again.

But if I'm truly honest about how I feel in this instant, I love her. Deeply. I want to go over, and put my arms around her and tell her she's worth everything, and it'll be OK. I don't understand why I even feel this way myself to be honest.

Is that normal when someone has done something that is such a betrayal?

I just had to laugh. W's boots came today. SMH

Jon,

I think it is totally normal!
Look what you have been pulled through in short time - it's crazy!

I still believe you are very emotional and that your decisions are drifting accordingly!

Take the time right now! Calm down! Be alone! Don’t push W away and don't put your arms around her until you are less emotional. Don’t make any decisions right now!

All the best! I will be pulling all I can whatever you decide!

F

...oh, and do put the boots in a closet for now
You can always put them to good use later!

Glad the W is being open with you and talking a bit. But be careful, the saying has merit, "Believe none of what they say and only half of what they do". Only time and work will get you where you want to be. The verbal confirmation or denial of PA may lighten the load now, but in a fight or tense situation those words could be reversed to get a reaction out of you.

Its a long road take it slow.

Jon, way to recognize your hurt... Take it slow, there's a time for everything everything

Ecclesiastes 3
A Time for Everything

3 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
A TIME TO EMBRACE AND A TIME TO REFRAIN FROM EMBRACING,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
A TIME TO BE SILENT AND A TIME TO SPEAK,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.

Jon the best thing you can do right now is take it slow and pray... Before she's yours she's God's trust me he cares for her far more than you ever can or will. Pray for her. I believe the best thing a man can do for a woman is to bring her closer to God than to himself... Pray.

Still thinking/working through everything.

Thanks so much for the comments - you guys are amazing. I have no idea what I'd do without being able to talk to you all, honestly.