@Jon NTX amd Bug are both spot on... Unconditional love. I know it doesn't feel good AT ALL and no one here is saying accept or approve what has been done..
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
That's unconditonal love, but Jon you have to love yourself 1st and say that no matter what your situation your posture and chracter will NOT change based on the behavior of another. I'll say again you have been truly blessed and you don't even see it right now. This is a test...
I feel I need to tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through this! I read you as you are quite calm about this meet-up but either way I see it as an extremely hurtful experience that I wish nobody ever should have to live. I understand if you are hurting and I understand why you need to distance yourself from W right now – I would have felt the same way. I also understand if some of the words in your posts are based on the emotions that go through you and not in depth thoughts.
I urge you to read AS post about when to decide and when not to! An experience like this and the turmoil you have been living makes people make decisions they later regret.
All the best! Take the time for you now! Take care of you!
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
@NTX I am not sure why you would get banned for that post; it was spot on.
Jon, you have proclaimed that you are done several times on this thread. You usually do it in the moment out emotion, yet you claim to be a rational thinker.
You are much more guided by emotion than you are willing to admit.
You really vilainized your w throughout this thread and at time many of us have bought in and felt like you really should just move on.
You have posted enough on here that parts of your personality have shown through and there are several things that you need to work on that have been pointed out several times. Usually you agree that you need to work on you and that shuts us all up. But then you go on and repeat the same mistakes.
Have you heard the story of the man who was stuck in a flood and offered help three different times yet each time the man refuses saying that god would save him? When the man gets to heaven, the man asks god why he did not save him and god says "I tried three times".
You are on this site for a reason Jon. Listen to the people trying to help you.
Me-45 W-44 T-7 years M-3 years (4th anniversary July 13, but we're separated) Kids from previous relationships (s14 d16 mine, s23, s24 hers)
I think you might benefit from reading my thread. I say that so you can see our similarities and sometimes it is easier to see things in others than yourself. I feel that you are hurt, scared and angry. I feel that you lash out and act like a child when you feel threatened. I feel that you talk, but do not act. I say all that because I am like that and I see that in you, just my opinion.
I think you still love your W and can get past this.
I hope you can listen to all of the amazing advice you’re getting, well I know your listening, but I hope you can act on it, as I know that is the hard part.
Breathe
Start a new thread, this will get locked soon
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Do you love her Jon? Or did you just want to win this battle? If it's the latter, then congrats, you "won".
Jon, I would seriously dig into answering that question. I thought it was an absurd question when it was asked of me, but the answer is critical to all parties involved.
M-44 W-45 S21,S18,SS16,SD13,S5,D4 M-9y BD- May 2013 Piecing- Dec 2013
We all have patterns that we may not necessarily like in ourselves and wish to discard as we move along on the path of personal growth.
The confirmation of a PA can be quite a shattering experience for it is an awful betrayal. I have been there and do understand the 'solar plexus blow' feeling all too well. After you get over the initial shock and all of its associated emotions, it is always good to take a step back and take stock of your feelings & thoughts.
Sit on what I call the "discomfort sofa" and talk to yourself to discover the root cause of your reactions. Dig in and do some real hard examination of your emotions to find out how and why they occur. We are 100% percent responsible for our reactions and how we handle them. I'd be the first to say that I didn't do a good job by calling you "chickenshit" and examined why I did that...it was my own frustration with a brilliant DBer who almost had it.
A lot of the times it is pride being dented badly which is why I think you are reacting strongly at the confirmation of your W's PA admission. Especially with men. It does not matter the age of the OM or his appearance. OM is just a symptom of the overall breakdown in the marriage. You and W both contributed to the breakdown.
The next steps are to assess what YOU can do to repair the damage from your own part of the marriage's breakdown. You do have a lot of influence in the marriage's recovery. This is why MWD wrote her wonderful book, Divorce Remedy, based on her firsthand experiences in treating couples with no hope for their marriages and coming up with effective strategies for the LBS.
The most important FIRST step is to get a grip on your wayward emotions and hair-trigger reactions. And implement those DB strategies with a cool head!
Not to pile on, but I would agree with AS, now is not the time for major decisions. Now is the time to pull back and truly reflect.
In my sitch, when I found out about PA I did not react nearly as calmly as you mention in your posts. I was angry, I guilted and practically bullied my W into filing the papers the very next day. After I had calmed down and analyzed the real sitch I didn't want D. I could see W confusion and the part I had played in it. Unfortunately all my emotional thrashing in those first days after BD only made the sitch worse and pushed my real goals farther down the timeline.
Listen to the advice of the vets, even if its harsh, its meant to help in a very difficult time when mistakes are easy to make.
me: 30 XW:28 tgthr:4 m:1 no kids BD: June 2013 D: Jan 2014
Jon, let me start off by saying how sorry I am that your going thru this.
Take care of yourself right now, eat, sleep, figure out a way to burn your emotions off as best you can. Be honest with yourself, your hurting, man, that's ok. Your only human. Don't try to be superman, don't be Sigmund Freud and try to figure it all out right now. There are no answers, so stop looking.
Time is your only friend right now. I don't need to tell you that going DARK not dim anymore is probably what YOU need to do for yourself right now. Don't let your emotions make your decisions right now please. Try to find out how you can just slow things down in your mind. Its gonna be hard to say the least.
Theres times I sure wish I could just put my phone number out there so someone could just TALK when they needed to. You've got a lot of people pulling for you Jon. Hang in there.
