Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis New to the board, fairly newly LBS from MLC.

Hi Lily, so so sorry to have to meet you here on this crummy board. For someone just one month past BD, you are doing remarkably well.

I agree with Ellie (KML) that you need to protect your son and yourself immediately. That is the most important thing right now. Get yourself your own debit card, and then use money from your joint account to consult with a lawyer about child support, and to find out your rights as an unmarried partner of over 16 years.

I read your post on Angela's thread, and you sound like a pretty natural born DBer! When I was in your position, I was still in that crying/begging stage You are doing great. I know that your heart is broken and that you are spinning and angry and hurt, but please remember what you told Angela - this is NOT about you. The OW is not about you. She is a skanky old dirty bandaid that your temporarily insane SO is using to try to make himself feel better about himself. But, it won't work for long, will it, as she sounds equally crazy. Cadet will tell you, these MLCers "affair down" - way down, scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Hang in there Lily, and keep posting. I think the more you post, the faster you will get off moderation.

I am not doing so hot yet in the eating and sleeping department, but I have had social plans for 2 of the last 3 days, so I feel accomplished in the GAL department.

Today is WS's birthday. I haven't made any contact. He went out with the OW last night and I assume probably won't be back until late tonight or tomorrow before work. I am glad I invested the time to read the resources. I understand now that his birthday is probably a minefield of emotions and confusion. He needs to run away today, I get it. It's not about me, it's not that OW is more fun, it's that he is physically running from his pain and fear.

Reconciling myself to the fact that the odds are so remote that he will come home at all today, I am taking my son out to run some errands and maybe go hiking at a park. The leaves are beautiful. I am blessed to still have a good loving relationship with the MOST important person in my life. That is where I am going to put my focus today.

When WS comes home, I'll probably be here loving from a distance, waiting for him to initiate contact... but with luck, maybe I won't be and then he can really be alone with his thoughts and feelings for awhile.

Lily, I got the "taking it slow" line, right before it was obvious that it wasn't slow enough.

I found myself stuck without a car, too.

You sound like you've got a good handle on what you need to do. And you're right, it will get easier, but it's never a smooth path - it has ups and downs. But you can do it, and we'll be here to help along the way!

Sorry you are still on moderation.

It looks like all your posts are here right this minute.

I can only encourage you to keep posting and soon they will show up right away.

Glad that you have read all the homework and if you have any questions be sure to post them.

Yes, I had 5 posts or so come through moderation today. Woo hoo. I was beginning to wonder.

I have always been very empathetic and I am the oldest child from a large family, so I guess "taking care of people" and being "the responsible one" is deeply ingrained in me. I am also very much a "research, absorb it, learn it, live it" kind of person... I feel like knowledge is a powerful tool for any problem.

I think the one place I might be faltering at the moment is being resistant/turning him down when he asks me to do something with him. But I feel like usually *I* am the one who would initiate time together, so maybe it is good to keep accepting invitations from him... in the past I might have passed on watching a movie with him or taking a nap depending on what I was busy doing. So in a sense it is a 180, but I am not sure with this situation if it is better to 180 or better to be coy and aloof. For the past week or so the things he invites me to do are like "take a nap" "watch a movie in our bedroom" "have ML activities" & "go to the grocery store together."

He has told me he is going out skating five nights a week, which makes me wonder if it may occur to him that what he really likes is skating a lot (which I already knew, OUR first date was skating at our college!) and the the OW situation isn't required in order for that to continue. Sure, she drives him downtown to places he isn't comfortable driving himself yet, but admittedly *I* could/would do that often too if he asked me to.

I am also kind of struggling with setting boundaries. Since we live together, there a lot of things that I do for our household that I always did before and I am not sure I would really get a worthwhile reaction if I said "you can do your own laundry now" or "I am not cooking for you anymore" ... he does pay the mortgage and the bills. I have been a stay at home mom, did a tiny bit of part time work for his independent software business, and lots of volunteering. I *AM* currently trying to get a job though so I will have income of my own should I need it. My mom is also sending me some emergency funds to stash just in case I ever need it. I have reached out to a few friends to be my alternative transportation should I ever need it.

I did already draw a line in the sand that the OW is not allowed in our home, whether I am here or away. I also told him I would really appreciate it if he would limit his calling and texting her to HIS den/home office space... that I didn't think I should have to be confronted with their conversations in other places around the house that we share. Although he didn't actually confirm that he agrees with this notion, it does appear in the past 2 days he has followed it.

On Monday, I mentioned he looked a little tired and suggested maybe he could try to come home earlier from OW's place in the morning so we could get a few hours of sleep together in our big comfy bed. He DID actually do it, not as early as I had hoped, but much earlier than I expected. There was some sleep and some ML.

And while he was away for his birthday, I DID end up having to tell our son SOMETHING about why Dad wasn't around. After talking to my son's behavioral therapist, she recommended that for now I just tell her that Dad is going through a transitional time in his life where he is confused and needs time and space to sort out his feelings and NOT specifically address the OW. My son seemed to be receptive to that and followed up with, "so where is Dad staying when he is gone?" and I told him he is staying with a friend. I was dreading the conversation, but it actually went much better than I anticipated. Son made WAS a really cool painting for his birthday, belatedly. They had a nice hug and WAS made sure to tell him he loved him. I did end up giving him the photo album I put together of pictures from when we were much younger and much more obviously happy. He seemed to genuinely appreciate it. He took time to flip through it with our son for awhile before he felt the need to excuse himself to take off his work clothes.

When he is around home now he seems more comfortable. He makes remarks like "You sure are lucky to have such a clean house, with so much room, and not have to have a job." Ignoring of course that recent events have compelled me to look for a job and that one of his usual pre-MLC complaints is that the house isn't very tidy most of the time (working on cleaning up around the house, organizing spaces, and getting rid of clutter has been one of my 180s)... I guess it seems OW isn't a neat freak as I worried she would be. His mom is total OCD, so I thought OW might have that in common with her also when he says OW is "alot like my Mom" (I am sure I mentioned this previously, but Mom is likely source of many insecurity, esteem issues, depression, and attachment problems he has... that he thinks his "soulmate" is so much like the person that most contributed pain into his life seems really crazy).

Right now what I really wish is that somehow OW could get her own bombdrop that despite being "soulmates" he isn't being exclusive to her either, and I highly suspect based on some of his comments in the beginning that HE misrepresented the situation to her in numerous ways. (She IS a good person, I had to convince her what we were doing was okay.") I think she is under the impression that I am "okay" with what he is doing, and clearly at the level that matters I am NOT. And I do have to wonder that if she was given a glimpse into a little more of the truth of things if she wouldn't make a different choice. I know that communicating with her directly would probably just end with blow back for me, but it really does make me wonder. If print out about midlife crisis and rebound relationships ended up on her car at work if it might be revelatory. :P

Thanks all for the supportive comments. I cry in the shower like everyone else, but I realized just now that I kind of feel like I have been through a similar process before in coping with my son's diagnosis with Aspergers.

You go through a process of grieving for the expectations you once had for your child and it is a difficult thing, and then you enter acceptance for the things you can still change and control and the things you cannot. And then you work hard on the things that are within your power to control.

I also ran across this on another thread but didn't want to derail that discussion:

I laughed when I read "Must be nice to be the OW, you don't have to cook or clean or parent, you have time and energy for ridiculous past times like "controlling his personal hygiene decisions." Good grief."

My H's OW, the notorious Russian Tramp, has appointed herself my H's medical advisor. And sadly, she has instructed him to ignore his doctor's advice to continue his lyme disease antibiotics in favor of eating fermented oatmeal, some kind of Russian folk remedy. He is also prohibited from eating many of his favorite foods, like pizza, coffee and beer. Tea and vodka are okay, sigh....

"When WS comes home, I'll probably be here loving from a distance, waiting for him to initiate contact... but with luck, maybe I won't be and then he can really be alone with his thoughts and feelings for awhile." Yes, that's right. Give him lots of time and space, but be approachable when he does approach you. Don't beat yourself up iver the "cake eating" - lots of LBS continue to connect by ML. It's up to you. 

What did you end up doing on his birthday? An awful lot of us seem to be married to scorpios, not the easiest people to live with even without MLC.

I can't remember if I posted this or not... oh moderation you befuddle me.

Two or 3 days ago I snapped at him about asking me to tell him if his pants looked good with his shirt. It was just one of those moments where I was fed up with all the superficial bullshit. He doesn't REALLY care what I think anyways, does he? I kind of feel like it's just a form of rubbing it in that he looks so good and has new clothes and he is headed out the door trying to look good for someone else. :P

I later apologized via a message, (hours and hours later, not immediately). It got no response, but that is the norm these days so I wasn't expecting one. I just felt it was important to indicate I was sorry for the way I acted. I also realized in retrospect that the ego stroking "You look good" is something he surely gets from OW and I may have to do my part. I don't know, maybe someone has a better perspective on this. If he is asking for my input, I should validate and encourage, right?

RosaLinda.

While WAS was off doing who knows what for his birthday my son and I went to the mall and walked around and window shopped and goofed around for awhile, then we shared a dinner at the food court. We spent the evening finishing up painting the artwork he was making for WAS.

In the end, what we did WITH him for his birthday was just stood in the kitchen for all of 15 or 10 minutes and he opened his gifts, I took a few pictures. He thanked us and then was off to get ready for his evening.

I am also a Scorpio (Nov 15 is my birthday, I suppose I will have to make my own plans and have no expectations from WAS), but I seem to be a lot better at saving my sting for those who really have it coming.

He is certainly taking the space I give, tonight I did break down and finally called him because he was supposed to be coming home in between work and evening plans and never showed up. I realize it was probably a mistake. I have my son's IEP meeting at school tomorrow and I haven't been sleeping well yet and today I was just feeling a lot more down and neurotic. I just needed to know he wasn't dead somewhere with the car wrecked. :P

This morning I mentioned the IEP meeting tomorrow and that I was feeling kind of unprepared and nervous about it. I mentioned it might be a big help to me just to get a good nights sleep if he would consider coming home to sleep with me early Thursday morning for awhile. He said he would think about it. Now he was gone all day, so I suppose I won't get what I asked for. And I know I shouldn't have asked, it was stupid of me. I just know that he also misses sleeping in our bed, I thought maybe I was doing us both a favor.

It looks like he took most of the money out of our bank account while he was at work today. Effing ridiculous. I am going to try not to jump to any conclusions, but that certainly seems shady and wrong. It is really insulting to be treated like an untrustworthy person by the person in the sitch who is actually being untrustworthy.

Well, here I have to admit that *I* made a big mistake. When I was listening to the automated phone system list all the transactions on the account, it sounded like a large withdrawal had been made yesterday. I asked him about it this morning and it was actually an automatic bill pay for our mortgage. So I was bent out of shape over something that wasn't anything. Of course the reality is we have almost no money right now in our primary account, and there WERE a few charges on there for him going out to eat. But I also splurged a little recently to buy some new makeup so I am not going to make an issue of that. Money is tight because money was tight to begin with.

He reacted kind of badly when I first "accused" him of taking out the money, but then as I apologized for jumping to the wrong conclusion he softened a little. I explained that in my current state (sleep deprived, anxious) that I am really struggling to process things intellectually and having concerns about whether I can trust him. I mentioned I had been reading some things that made me worry HE might do something like that, and he expressed his anger at being stereotyped into the "horror stories someone is telling you online." I validated that he was correct, I misjudged his actions and I should be more careful in the future not to jump to the wrong conclusion.

After that we actually ended up having an okay day. Nothing "great", but nothing terrible happened after that. I rode with him to his work this morning so I could then take the car to run an errand. When we both went to get out of the car in front of his building it became evident he forgot to put the car in "park." It started to roll forward as he got out of the car, and I was already mostly out of the car and ready to close my door. We had a laugh about it.

The portion of the IEP where my son was present was very difficult, but once we sent him off to lunch the meeting went better than I had anticipated. Thank goodness for our Behavioral Therapist who went above and beyond giving me her own specific recommendations and notes for the meeting even though we couldn't afford to have her present.

We went out to lunch together and had a nice time afterward. Mostly small talk, I tried to keep it light. He brought up relationship stuff a few times, I tried to validate and then change the subject. He basically came right out and told me that the more patient I am the more likely he is to come back to me. WHAT?! I thought the MLCer is not supposed to realize this for themselves. Now I almost wonder if he is reading all the same webpages I am. lol. He also mentioned that he would like to look into how much a house like his parent's house costs, because he would like to have a little bit bigger, nicer house one day. I agreed that I like his parent's house and their layout, and that I didn't think there house was a whole lot more expensive than ours... that if I took on a fulltime job or if we could reinvigorate the product line for the small business that I think we could afford a house like that if we wanted it. He nodded and smiled and our eyes met for a minute. Then he asked if I would mind driving over the bike shop in that shopping center to look at bikes. I said I was fine with that, so we did. He used to mountain bike a lot and also use his bike to commute to a lot of places before we moved here. His bike was stolen just weeks before our big move and he never bought another one. It seemed like kind of a waste because where we live is not as bike friendly. But I said I thought it would be good for him to have a bike again and now that he would have the freedom to go and ride some really good trails without having to rely on me. I also pointed out that if he took the front tire off the bike he was looking at, it should fit IN our SUV, we wouldn't need to also buy a bike rack right away. He wouldn't have to put off getting a bike for as long that way. He thought that was a good observation.

This afternoon he sent me a message (we have our own private messaging system for our home computer network) saying "we can't really afford to have three people in therapy right now." I think this was in response to a note I left him in his home office several days ago letting him know that I am interested in pursuing individual therapy for myself. So... I guess today there is the inkling that he might consider doing therapy. Rather than saying: "Oh, so do you think you are interested in therapy now." I replied with a possible solution: "I ran across a flier for a program through your work that pays for up to 8 counseling visits per family member. I will look into the details and let you know what I find out."

Yesterday he told me he intended to be here for dinner for the next few nights (through Sunday), and tonight he stuck around to eat dinner even though I prepared it a little later than usual and he had plans and apparently was "running late" to get going. He got a call from OW as he was going out the door and seemed a little curt with her. I didn't raise an issue about it the phone use in our common space, I could tell he was annoyed to feel like he had to take the call just then.

I feel like because we are actually having arguments and once that initial flurry of reactive anger/disrespect gives way to actual communication that it's a good sign. I know, I know... don't believe anything they say and half of what they do. I am trying not to take anything he said today too seriously. He could feel entirely differently tomorrow.