Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis You'll think of me....

Rosa, I feel the same these days, that my love for H is not there anymore. I don’t know how to deal with this yet, so I cannot give you any advice. Hang in there. (((((hugs)))))

hey linda ( & forever & angela)

boy- do i ever know what the heck yhou guys are saying with the darn "detachment dance" -

i swear- some days i just withdraw mentally from any and all "strategy" from sheer exhaustion.

it's insane for sure- how we maintain our lives in this mess of a mlc existence and then, supposedly "do' all the right things all the time too- idk.

i agree tho, that in some way we need to maintain attachment because that's what the heck we're doing here dbing- trying somehow to "stand" and be an obvious good choice in life- be what we always were- what we ARE...

IT'S mighty hard to be our wonderful old selves - while being someone else. the duplicity of it all is a killer for me- stopping me from being me-

i'm a stinking old nurturer- carerer- etc. i get it - it's bad dbing sometimes... -

restraining myself is stressful- sometimes i don't bother, mostly i'm trying to remain "neutral" i haven't uttered the word love in so long my heart is shirveling up in there.

idk how we manage to restrict our hearts and stay normal too-=

goptta to- need to hand out drinks to runners this morning- volunteering should be fun

anyway- it's a heavy pertinent topic-

back later. i'm with you guys tho- i struggle dailly, momentarily- alllll the time about this-

it's what i'm trying to detach from- having srategy instead of just being me. it's the killer i think- overthinking- trying too hard to be alllllll something else-

here's me - fighting to stay me while stepping over to the side- i don't think i'm makin sense. like trying to live a double life- hard as heck for an honest old who-i-am kindaperson, trying hard to trust the process- flaking off this morning tho.....

xxoo drive thru please.

Hey guys. Nero, I wanted to just say something about your post. The thing about this is that we should not be someone else.

We should look inside and change the things WE want to change.

But the very best of who you are - your warmth, your kindness, your sincerity, those things should never change.

There is a difference between stuffing down our essential self and detaching and letting go.

Detaching doesnt mean we shouldnt be who we are.

It means that we are living our lives, being who we are, without being affected by their actions and words.

I do understand what you are saying in that you cant be your old loving self towards your h because that is pressure to them.

But it does not mean that you cant treat them with kindness. It doesnt mean you have to change you in order to accomodate their crisis.

It means that you leave them to their journey. It means that you continue on yours.

Trust the process, Nero. You will be glad you did how ever your sitch turns out.

hiya- yeah, now tht you say that out loud- i hear ya. i get it all mixed up alot of the time- just without really focusing in- get that overall - mushed up "overwhelming" feelings come and go- I sometimes forget to view them alll separate and distinct from general mlc-life m.o. here.

i know you're rite about the whole "be self" - BUT TRY & detach from what the heck they're up to - thing.

i am getting bettr at it- not completely there- and of course that is frustrating- to even have a moment of 'AWARENESS" come sneaking aorund me. sniggling itself into my consciousness - messing me up a bit; til i can shove it back out the door.

i am me- that's all i have really- this good ole person inside here.

and you're rite- i forget that Not saying something- has to be about me, other than just reining in self and having some self-dicipline. i am glad to be more takin charge of that. honest - i get it totally in life (after listening to my mother & sisters too) that NO ONE NEEEEEDS to know everything we're thinking or feeling all the time. it's awful in fact- when i find myself judging my favorite "ranters" and hating it- then i think of me, wonder if i do same- decide i do somewhat - and reinforce self's determination to not be that too in life. . recipe for disaster.

so, i'm actually glad for some of the changees i'm working on and better at and , yes, have MADE... WOO HOO.

thanks for note- it keeps me on track- it's not the end of the world to have a dreary moment - rte? as long as i get up, dust self off and get going again.

oh yeah- some great old saying out there - about falling down isn't the pr0blem - staying down is....

who me, down for good? i don't think so. xxoo thanks as usual

If I have to be totally detached, I might as well be gone.

I live with my MLC spouse and we still do things for each other, have conversations, etc. This maintains connection, or attachment. Like when your H took you to the hospital and took care of you at home, or when he does home projects. Or when my W does all the laundry and cleans the kitchen, or makes meals. Likewise, we do plenty for our spouses. Many of these things we don’t have to do. This is one way we show love to each other.

You just described my life at home. It is becoming too mundane tho. Especially when a meal would have been met with a smile and a kiss. Thanks, just doesn't cut it for me.

My H does things I request all the time. He works hard as well, and has an EA he goes off with and spends money on for beer.

I know Linda you work hard and your H puts in his dues? Is it enough? Does it feel good when he's serving dinner in his booties? About just as much as I love it when when H is cleaning the yard and calling ea behind the fence.

Your right FY pulling back and waiting in our sitch does very little. My H isn't even really able to read that for what it's worth, he just thinks how nice it is to be getting off without a fight.

Here's my take on living with MLC today...

IF HE PLAYS MTV MUSIC FOR ONE MORE MINUTE I AM GOING TO TURN OFF CABLE FROM MY ACCOUNT ON LINE AND CALL IT AN OUTAGE!

ohhhhh LINnnnnnnnda -

wake uppppp- are ya okay today? just checkin in. you were crakin me up other day- about 500th ea & still "hopin"-

good for us bvoth to have humour about our lives.

i wonder- what he heck we'll be sayin to each other in five years?

do you like the way it's alsays "five years" from now- never four or three???

xxoo hope your day is good.

i'm still just not talkin and trying to imagine what the heck i'll say to h. nthing? something? striving for silence til i'm pleasant - i guess, for want of a better plan.

xxoo

oh yeah- for got to say-

do you find yourself soooooooo devoid of "expectaions" that it's empty in there where the expectations used to be? just a thought.....

not pessimistic, mind you- just nothin.

glass still half full...

xxoo

I am such an idiot.  I just had a screaming fight with RT. i screamed, she smirked.

I went in to ask John something important, and he said "hold on a minute honey" -- he was talking to RT. I said how dare you call that woman honey in front of me, I am your wife, you are my husband. RT was smirking, so I started yelling at her, and said what are you doing, why are you trying to break up my marriage. She said look to your past, I said he is the one who is f-ing around not me. My H said I don't know that. 

I told her he cannot support her, he cannot get her a green card, she said they will live under the stars together. I told her that I told him to leave and even gave him ways they could make it work. and H yelled you did not. I said yes I did and he said you told me that that years ago. I said I told you that on October 15th, not even 2 weeks ago. 

I said H told me he does not know if he wants to leave, he does not know what he wants to do. He yelled I did not. I said yes he did, he said he loves me and he loves our home. 

Then he said to me why don't you leave. I daid I'm not the one f-ing around and I don't want to leave. He said are you done to me so I left. 

I don't know what to do now. I'm sure he is smmothing it over with her, saying I was lying. I was thinking of sending her an email telling her that I told her the Gods honest truth, that I have no reason to lie to her. 

I am so ashamed of screaming at that whore like a fish wife. I wonder if he liked having two women fighting over him. 

OMG any advice?

oh boy... ((HUGS))

Magic

Thanks