Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Hello! 20 year marriage teetering... (part V)

Sorry to hear about your wife having to deal with breast cancer.

Midlife definitely seems to attack all of us and the weakest parts of our body seem to struggle to survive.
I hope she wins her battle with that awful disease, and this is your chance to speak with actions and not words.

Glad you are recovering too, we are not immune from getting older.
First rule is to take care of ourselves.
As we are useless to anyone else if we are not healthy.

As far as getting decades older, I hope when I hit the next one shortly it is no big deal!

Well I got an email from W yesterday letting me know that she did hire a lawyer to prepare the D paperwork. She said the L gave her a list of info she needs (account numbers, car info and such) and that she had some of it but not all, and would let me know what she needs from me. There were SO many things I wanted to reply back with, telling her how disappointed I was that she never even lifted a finger to try and save the M, how I will always remember her words "I just don't want to try" because I heard them so many times in the past year, etc. But in the end I just replied back to let me know when she has the list of info she needs and I'll pull the info for her. I did toss and turn a little in bed last night, but I was expecting her to push forward so it's not really a surprise.

In other news, we moved D19 back to college a couple of days ago. Her BFF helped us as did S9 and D16. W did not go. Thankfully she's on the 2nd floor this year (was on the 4th last year, and no elevator!) We got her moved into the dorm and got everything set up pretty quickly, then went and had a nice lunch together. S9 and D16 start school next week. Busy times!




Thank you



Seemed like it at the time, but the next day she didn't call, email or text a 'thank you' (unusual for her) and then she posted an update on her cancer portal talking about the surprise party but not mentioning our party at all, so the positive step was reversed pretty quickly, LOL!



Hi, I remember reading your posts, welcome back!!



I am so glad to hear that, thanks for the update! That's really fantastic news!



I think it's definitely an issue for her, she has that feeling that she's "running out of time". I've had two near-death experiences and went through the difficult soul-searching that goes with facing your own mortality and that may be why hitting 50 wasn't a biggie for me, I feel like I'm living on "bonus time" anyway, LOL! But I think you're right, W is just now going through that experience.



Please do post it, I would love to read it and I'm sure others would too! Maybe the Piecing forum would be a good place for it?



Wow, our sitches are eerily similar! Not sure if this will help you, but early on it drove me crazy trying to figure out if it was an EA or PA. I finally asked myself if I would keep trying to save the M if it was a PA and decided I would. So from that point on, I just assumed it was a PA, it was easier for me to assume the worst than it was to keep wondering about it.



Thank you, and you are quite right, I tried to come up with a gift idea that was something W was unlikely to get from OM or friends. I used to make her a watercolor card each year for Valentine's Day (in addition to giving her gifts and flowers) and she really cherished them, had them all in a scrapbook. I wonder if she still has them? Who knows.



Thanks! I'm feeling pretty good, there are still some lingering effects but I'm almost normal



I definitely think a lot of WAS's do that, they're actively chasing their "dream" but they keep a foot in their old life as a possible fall-back position in case the new life doesn't work out. At this point with W proceeding with D I think she's pulling that foot out and going "all in" with her new life though.



Haha! Amen! When I turned 52 this year I was like, "where did 51 go?" Seems like I went from 50 straight to 52



I sure hope so, it seems like whenever I've been through some crappy times in the past that good times followed, I think I'm overdue for some good stuff, haha!



Pffff, a few years, that's way out there! You can still say you're in your mid-40's!



Thank you, it definitely hasn't been easy! The mono was almost like BD all over again- losing weight, unable to focus, missing a lot of work, unable to get things done at home. I threw myself a lot of pity parties, but didn't invite anyone I mean really, having to go through that twice in barely a year? Crazy.



No, but then again I don't ask. The last time I asked was probably late last year, and she said they were just friends. I posted that blurb I snooped from her FB a while back that seemed to indicate that she sees it as way more than friends, but I don't know if he feels the same way or not. She helped him through his divorce (he had a WAS, imagine that) and he may feel obliged to help her through her cancer and D. Or he may be riding her every night like a rented mule. Who knows.



I do still feel that way and I had dropped the rope before W was diagnosed with cancer, but after she was diagnosed I backed down from that and reached out to her as a friend. It surely didn't help our sitch, but I don't have regrets over it. But yes, I do feel that the WAS has to at some point feel they've lost all chances at reconciling with the LBS before they might reconsider how they feel about the M.

Thank you! Her prognosis is really good, but since she didn't proceed with the mastectomy I just hope it doesn't come back. It would be tough to go through the surgery and radiation (she's not having chemo) only to have to turn around and repeat it again later. She's had so many scares over the years that I'm kind of surprised she didn't get the mastectomy, but I'm sure that's a very big personal decision to have to make.



So true, and I really hate being a burden on anyone else. That's something I really struggle with when I'm sick is trying not to feel worthless when I'm just laying around and can't get anything done!

AS, courage, (hope) and peacefulness to us all. H and I are meeting today to discuss finances. h doesn't want to work on M. just wants to move on with his own life. Would like to be kicking and screaming, but I will go along in calm manner. so so very sad and unfortunate.

She sent it to you in an email? After 20 years couldn't she tell you in person? Anyway how are your kids taking this, assuming they know? Well you know as much as anyone that this life is not over yet, not by a long shot.

AS, hope you are doing okay today. This is such a roller coaster ride is it not?? Seems like when you have things handled and emotions in check wham from left field a haymaker lands. This is to be expected, the feelings that come with that kind of statement.
HEAT= handle your emotions, empathize, assess the situation, take the right action.

Take care of yourself and remember that it's okay to feel bad about the situation, because it does blow chunks. Just don't stay on the pity train longer than necessary lol.

I received the papers in the mail so... yep I'm officially single and honestly it really feels no different than last week after the emotions settled down.

Cause all it is, is a piece of paper.

Paper never did anything more to me than give me a paper cut.

AS,

Sorry for the latest development. Hang in there and I hope you are feeling better soon. You give a lot of great advice on this site and you are appreciated.

S10 and I went with a couple of friends of mine on a trip to a 4-wheeler park- 2000 acres of winding, crazy trails. They have a Polaris RZR 800 which for those who don't know is kind of a cross between an ATV and a dune buggy. It has a side-by-side seating arrangement and is a pretty powerful little setup! S10 loved it the first time he saw it and has been wanting all summer to ride on it. And ride it we did, my friends just said "go for it" and we attacked the trails with abandon We climbed crazy hills, did donuts in the sand, did high speed sprints on straight-aways, plowed through ditches and over small fallen trees, etc. etc. S10 was hooting and hollering the whole time, he just loved it! I did too! Unfortunately the wonderful trip was dampened when we got back to my friends' house to discover one of their beloved dogs had collapsed and was in shock. They ended up having to put him down shortly after



Very sorry to hear that! Your H feels that way NOW, but people do change their minds and he may change his. You just never know what's going to happen, but often the WAS takes so long to change their mind that it's "too late" for the LBS.



W has always hated confrontation, so she probably did it in email to avoid one. Of course there wouldn't have been one, but even a 1% chance of one would freak her out. Just the way she is. I told both D's, it wasn't really a surprise to them because I had told them in the beginning of summer that W would be filing "any time" (because that's what W told me then). I haven't said anything to S10 yet and probably won't until the paperwork is actually filed.



Eh, I knew it was coming so it hasn't really bothered me beyond tossing and turning a bit the night I got the email.



Sorry to hear that, but you're right, it doesn't really change anything beyond the legal aspect of the R.



LOL!



Thank you

AS, sorry to hear about the latest. You've been through such a lot recently, stay strong!!