Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers I'm back -- lost of progress

People, please!! Remember that there are two sides to every story. DB'ing is NOT about letting people come on here and trash their spouse and we just pat their back and tell them their spouse is a worthless piece of garbage that they need to walk away from!! We need to help Preggo work on HERSELF. We also need to help her see that her spouse, however good or bad a spouse he is, has his own view of the sitch and it is radically different from hers. DB'ing is about setting aside our own biases and trying to understand what our spouse sees in our sitch, and fixing what we can about ourselves if the complaints are valid.

Let me ask you all this- how would you like it if everyone's opinion of you was based solely on your WAS's wild emotional commentary on you? We shouldn't allow ourselves to fall into the same trap, a LBS can be just as one-sided in their description of their spouse as a WAS can. Let's stop the spouse-bashing and start offering Preggo some constructive feedback.

*grabs a bucket of popcorn, and prepares to enjoy the show*

Anotherstander, trust me that I am trying to work on myself. I've been going to a C since the bomb dropped. First, H and I went to a C1 and H thought that he was biased towards me. I picked a former marine and the guy was all rough around the edges, which I thought H would identify with, and he did. He liked C1, but when C1 told him some hard truths, H wanted to look for another C.

Now we both see a C2 individually and as a couple, so she has heard my side of the story, his side of the story and both of us interacting. When we are alone and I ask her what she thinks I'm doing wrong, her response is, "you are too tolerant," and when we do MC, she tells him exactly the things C1 said. Basically, both Cs think H is missing a sensitivity chip.

I'm sure you identify as a man with the things H complains about this family and marriage and I see you have three children and at one point your W was pregnant with two other kids to care for but I doubt it ever crossed your mind to leave her because and cheat on her with the argument that it was "just too hard."

This is what H says about every relationship he has ever had. This is his third marriage and he had one to two year relationships in between. When I ask him what went wrong in each of them, he says they "just got too hard."

I should have paid attention to this huge red flag.

Another red flag I did not pay attention was that when we met, he had just gotten back from Iraq, where he had someone as well while he had a live in girlfriend back home. I asked him why he cheated and he said the previous relationship was getting too hard and that he started seeing that girl more like a sister (same thing he says about me now) and when I asked what happened with the relationship that started there, he said that also got too hard.

I thought naively at the time I was just different from all of them, that I was more ambitious, driven, independent, curvier, you name it. I even asked if he'd cheat in Afghanistan, since he had said before he cannot go more than 3 months without sex and that he had cheated in Iraq. He said I was crazy, because now he is married, with a kid and one on the way and that I was "it," the woman of his dreams, his best friend and that this is forever. This was a few weeks before his plane took off.

So you see why I am devastated, even though I had every red flag on the planet asking me to take a step back.

I have a confession to make. Sometimes the sadness that hits me is so intense and I feel like the future is so bleak that I don't want to live anymore.

I understand. I'm sure that compounded with your pregnancy, your hormones are setting your emotions into overdrive. Don't think of the future. Take it one step and one day at a time. You can do this.

Preggo, you can stop that thinking right now. Those babies of yours need you to stay strong. You are stronger than that and you have got to start believing it.

I know how hard it is but you have to ask for help. Talk to your doctor and let him/her know how you are feeling. Get yourself the necessary help, if not for you, for the kids.

preggo, I'm so sorry you feel that way and I completely understand it. I felt that way today too. The sadness was so intense. Please stay strong. We can see what a great person you are, please believe. Especially for your children.

Yes preggo, you can get through this. Check in your community for a Postpartum depression support group, having the support of others going through similar things can be so helpful for you.

Always take what you read on here with a grain of salt, none of us are experts and sometimes we try to move above our paygrade. There are situations, especially those involving addictions or mental illness, in which a spouse could become the Most Perfect Spouse and not change anything in the marriage.

That doesn't mean working on yourself isn't a good thing but you're about to go through another major life change, take one thing at a time.

I'll be sending you lots of positive birth vibes.

Thanks, everyone. I will tell my doctor about my mental estate. I wonder if that will make any difference on her prescribing me painkillers. They gave me Vicodin and Percocet after my last csection, but those are easily addictive. I wonder if she will give me something else.

She keeps sending me back to the hospital for more tests. This is starting to get annoying. The baby will be born this Wednesday. Why all the fuss? She wants me to go today and Tuesday for more tests and ultrasounds. I really don't know if anything makes a difference unles I start to have contractions, which I do, but they come and go.

Anyway, my mom, dad and brother arrive from Brazil today and my cousin and his wife will drive down from another city as well, so I will finally have the sanity of my family nearby.

H is terrified of them. He always liked them and they had taken him in with arms open. My parents paid for our wedding (which was in my parents country house in Brazil by a beautiful waterfall) and to this day H says it was the best day of his life, because he had never felt this welcomed before.

And here is the latest on H:

I've been more uncomfortable than ever. My belly is measuring 44 or 45 weeks (as if I'm carrying twins due to swelling of the uterus, hence all the tests) and the contractions sometimes are unbearable. I've only gained 24lbs with this pregnancy and I am all belly. I think I may have lost a lot of my own body weight with all the stress and the fluid retention is most likely due to stress as well.

H came home on Thursday and complained about there not being any dinner. I literally felt like I couldn't move that day, plus I think he should pamper me, not the other way around.

I said I can't behave like a step ford wife, especially in the state im in, if he can't behave like a husband. He said then that he will stop paying the bills. I don't know if it was the hormones, this constant stress of these endless fights or what but I just lost it. I cried and got my parents on Skype so they could hear H's nonsense. The moment he saw my parents, he stopped ranting. He was getting ready to leave the house and just sat on the couch, embarrassed and asking whether I'd like for him to leave, this time with a much calmer voice (because he knew my parents were listening).

I was crying so hard and cried throughout the night. I'm just so exhausted. H slept on the bed with me (which was extremely awkward and neither of us could sleep - remember, he was deployed for six months and hasn't slept on the bed since arriving in September) and was doting up to the morning, when I was still feeling very much defeated and depressed. I just didn't want to get out of bed today. He said the night before that he did want to stay in this marriage, but that I am making it hard.huh??? This is where I second guess myself. He is literally driving me crazy and being incredibly insensitive, but I have to remain calm and collected. It's nearly impossible.

Thank goodness for life with a toddler, I don't have the luxury to feel sorry for myself for too long. I took S1 for a ride and to go look at the ocean.

When H got home we went grocery shopping together, something we hadnt done in at least a year. He kept saying he wants to move out temporarily so he doesn't have to face my parents today. I don't think he will.

He still snaps at me for anything I say and do. It's maddening. I feel like my heart is racing all the time because he may go off and that my mere presence annoys him. Example: he is talking with me from another room and I can't hear him. If I say, huh? More than three times, he yells, "whatever! s#%^! You never listen" I try to explain to him that he walks away talking and I can't physically hear him when he is in another room. His stock answer is, whatever!

I'm so freaking exhausted.

Oh, you sweet mama, you do need some pampering and I'm glad your family will be there to do that for you.

However, should you caution them to stay away from H and not add fuel to the fire. I'm sure they will want to protect you out of love but family input can sometimes make a volatile situation worse.

Can you all call a truce until after the baby comes?