Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis WHEN PATIENCE IS LOST

Ambivalent,
Unless I am interpreting his email to you, everything he said is nothing but excuses and not anything that states exactly what the issues are w/the marriage. Budgets can be created and adhered to.

It will be interesting what he identifies as the issues. Because from where I'm sitting, he going to continue to have budget issues no matter where he's at. We all have them, especially in this day and age.

He's just rambling along using the mlc stinking thinking.

BTW, he's in the same area where my xh lives. I wonder if they've met? He use to like to bowl as well.

Hang in there. Okay? No matter what he says, this is his journey and his issues to clean up. We are here for you.

What about the lack of sexual attraction? That is huge with a man. Without that there is nothing for him. Why doesn't he just let me go? I don't get this.

He doesn't have sexual feelings for you because he's in mlc and that means depression. Depression is playing a huge role in his life right now. Many will say that their feelings for us are dead right now or there is not interest in having sex w/us. He's not looking for a deep sexual relationship w/anyone right now because those feelings are just plain numb. Depending upon where he's at in his head, he may meet up w/someone and just have "sex" whereby there is no real connection, but just blowing off steam, i.e., it's just the act of having sex.

Keep in mind, teenagers and young adults go about having sex and in many instances, it's just a bodily function that requires a "quick fix" and no deeper feelings involved.

So, I would just file that comment away because the depression really does take a toll on their mental, physical and emotional state of being and right now, he thinks that his problem is the relationship he has w/you...but technically, it's not. It's all about him, his visit back in time, childhood issues, etc.

Depression is about things of the past and anxiety is about things in the future.

Ambivalent, he's not ready to let you go. My question to you is this...are you ready to let him go? Are you ready to drop the rope and give him all of the space and time he can choke on to find his inner "self"? Or, are you ready to call it quits and move on w/your life? I personally think it's worth giving him more time because you've had a long relationship w/children and there are many, many good memories that were made. Let me rephrase my question...if your h had cancer or some other disease that was slowly eating away at him, would you toss in the towel and call it quits?

No matter what I've said above, just remember, only you will know when you've had enough and want to end your marriage. I'm here for you no matter what you decide to do...but I do think you need some time to truly think about things and not react w/a knee jerk reaction. Just my two cents.

Job,

Let's say it's depression, when does a non MD counselor let him know he's in depression? It is very apparent , when one reads up on it. Someone who is a PHD should be able to spot this immediately, correct?

He's got both right now. He's very concerned with the lack of retirement funds, and he is depressed about where he is at present.

If he had cancer , NO, I would never do that! I love him. I don't know how to drop the rope. I'm feeling as if this just happened again. Why am I feeling this way? I was doing fine and then Whamo, I'm in a well with no foot holds.

By the way, he went back to his meet up group and did this:

This member chose not to make their interests public.

I've already seen them, why now?

Ambivalent,

Your H has a lot of the same concerns my H had as well. One of my H's main concerns with me, and also the main cause of our arguments, was to do with money. We are tight with money as well, and this caused a great deal of stress and pressure on my husband. He tried to talk to me about it in the past and I kind of blew him off or made excuses. This caused even more problems.

We ended up shutting each other out and not talking about anything and that made things much worse. We both started to feel a lot of resentment, but didn't express our feelings to each other. It's good that your H is being honest with what is bothering him about the money. This is a real and important issue to him. I would take this as a valid concern of his and have a talk about how you can move forward and fix things. You can come up with a plan together.

Generally, we don't tell them what is wrong w/them unless they ask us for our opinion. Why? Because mlcers are very strong willed and will not truly listen to what we have to say. Some will seek medical attention, come home w/the AD's and then leave the pills in the bottle. Some will take the pills for a bit and then complain that they don't feel right, the pills aren't taking the edge off or heaven forbid, interfering w/their sexual functions.

If you are referring to your h as having the PHD, no, not necessarily will he spot it for what it is. It'll take some time for him to connect the dots. Right now, he appears to be handling his depression, but the question is, how long before he starts noticing aches and pains, appears to be getting ill quite often, etc. I don't think he's to that point just yet. Sure he's depressed over his lack of retirement funds and where he's at right now, but that's just the tip of the ice berg. Give him some time...he'll begin to talk about feeling out of whack. Then you might be able to mention seeing a medical professional, but I don't think he's ready to hear it right now.

Ambivalent, you have to have faith in you, your h, your marriage and yes in the man upstairs. You'll learn how to drop the rope as you travel the path on your own journey. You'll need to detach a bit more from his behavior so that what he says or does will not hurt you as much. Again, this will come in time.

I can only surmise that he went back to the meet up group site and changed his profile for his public interests to private because of you. He did it because he knew it upset you. He may be feeling a bit of guilt for hurting you, but there's no way that I can honestly tell you what is going through his mind right now. All I can honestly tell you is that you would never want to be in his head. His thoughts are bouncing off the walls and he's trying to figure out which way to turn and how to go about his life. No, he will not want your help right now and you have to respect his wishes. If he asks you your opinion on things, by all means give it to him.

Your man needs to follow the Yellow Brick Road to the cottage where they learn how to grow up. Learn to separate the behavior from the person and try to understand that he is confused, unhappy, and can't understand why he is unhappy. He will try many avenues, but that Yellow Brick Road will take him to a brick wall where he'll hit it over and over again until he learns how to navigate his life.

You, Ambivalent, will follow your own path on the Yellow Brick Road. It will be a painful journey at times, w/bumps, twists and turns, but I promise you, you will learn quite a bit about yourself, you will get stronger and wiser and will learn patience, as well as sitting still and allowing the answers to come and not force the issue. Patience is one of the hardest keys to learn...you will either learn it or you will determine that you can't do this any longer...but the choice will be yours.

I think the reason why you are feeling this way is that you never thought he would go on a meet up group site and put those interests out there. I think your expectations of him were entirely too high. Again, that's why we encourage posters not to have any expectations right now, i.e., to accept the mlcer as he/she is today because the old person is gone. If and when you reconcile, you can't go back to your former habits. It will be a new marriage and if you continue to practice db, continue your 180's and not fall back into the old habits, your new marriage will survive. It will be far better than the old one.

For now, take care of yourself. You are the most important person right now. Pamper yourself and please do not think that his crisis is your fault. It is not because what created his crisis happened a very, very long time ago. Most of all be kind to yourself. You have done absolutely nothing wrong.

Agreed, I hope I can do something about it. His lack of desire for me, is a big one too. It isn't about his performance, for everything works fine for himself. It is his lack of feeling the desire. I get this, for I've had it about him in the past.

I deal with depression and anxiety. It wreaks havoc on libido. I know this and understand it, but he does not. He is at a loss on this one.

I worry that someone will come along while he is low hanging fruit. I want to show him with actions that I can be part of relieving the stress. In more ways than one...

This whole thing is so pitiful, and full of woe.

I do find it interesting that he calculated out how much I would get, how much where I am would cost, and seems to care that the amount wouldn't be enough to live or save.

To me seeing a financial advisor, would be a huge step in the right direction. But that would leave his desire still in question.

It seems to me that he is doing the same thing again. Waiting to see if it will go away ( the problem that is ), instead of addressing it. Not worrying about it and allowing for time together to help bonding or reconnection.

It seems as if the only thing I can do is be kind, and just love him.

I guess this is my cross bearing moment in life. Never ever did I think I would feel such misery, grief, and soul wrenching agony.

I hope anyone who is considering doing this to their spouse, walking away, thinks very hard about it.

Get help and be open and honest with the person you married.

Do it in a letter if it is important, but do not walk away...

If only they would be open and honest!

Well I have been stewing in my juices here is Miserytown.

I wrote a letter to H. because he may not consider what I and my daughter have seen.

When putting in black and white it really pops out.

I am trusting in God on this one.

I sent this with only love in my heart. I don't want to lose my H. to a suicide, for he HAS expressed how overwhelmed he is, and the stress on him could make the strongest person snap.

So I did it. I did not copy a site, or address. I spoke from the heart. No sermon, no condescension, just a thought.

He has been very open with me about his feelings, and concerns, so I feel I owe him the same. He can do with it what he will, but at least the seed is there. If he sees his doctor again, he may bring it up, knowing him, he probably will.

Since he did seek out help on his own, this may give him some answers.


" I don't know if this may have crossed your mind. At one point you mentioned you didn't know if " this is my mid life crisis ". It may be but it could be something else or both?...


Have you considered depression?


It is different in men than women, some of the symptoms coincide.


Since you are seeing that guy, he may be able to let you know if it is a possibility.


You and I, have dealt with a lot of stress over the years. This past year has been up there in the stress dept. Things that we know cause stress, and those we just kind of bury can sneak up on oneself. I know I've had to up my Zoloft, due to stress.


Your Dad's death, xxxx xxxxxx suicide, job loss, my depression over empty nesting, finances, house, school pmts...all of this has been slammed into one heck of a pkg., One of these alone, can trigger one, but really when I write it down...I'm amazed you are still standing. I'm amazed we haven't killed each other! lol...


Continuous stress and anxiety over several years. And yes, my libido wasn't there for you or I to release tension and reconnect during all of the crap with which we've tried to deal.


Daughter has been around us enough the past few years,

She may be a good one to ask if she sees any of the possible symptoms. Especially since she suffers from a form.


Not a diagnosis, just possibly an answer to the "cloud" you once mentioned to me at lunch.


M.


I'm praying God helps him see the light, that I have the strength to endure , and that we both can come together as one again.
Amen

I do not have any amazing words of advice tonight...but just know that I am thinking about you and your sitch.

My heart hurts for you. I hope that you have some peace and comfort tonight, amidst your struggles.

You are brave and wonderful. Stay strong.

Ang