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W left work early Tuesday. Since she had not been feeling well this past week, I emailed her to make sure she was feeling all right. When she didn’t reply after a few hours, I took a chance and called her (friendly neighbor approach). I asked if she was feeling okay. She indicated she had a headache the past few days and didn’t feel like she could do her work, so she went home. I told her I hoped her headache cleared up. She said she is under a lot of stress. I told her I just wanted to know that she was all right. I wished her a happy evening and said goodbye. So I took action (phone call, something I have not generally done); I showed concern; and I kept it short (not trying to extend the conversation). I'm sure there was an opportunity for empathy and understanding, but it felt like that would be trying to draw out the conversation.

Yes.



Think about it either way. Let's say the answer is "yes, you totally blew it." What does that change? You can't go back and relive that moment to what you're second guessing yourself about. You can't over-correct in the other direction to make up for it. All you can do is learn from it and move forward with becoming the man you want and need to become.

Now let's say the answer is the much more likely "no, you didn't blow it, are over-thinking this, and are on her roller coaster." What does that change? The advice is still the same:

All you can do is learn from each interaction and move forward with becoming the man you want and need to become.

Don't beat yourself up, and don't think one event holds all the weight of the world in its hands. Your mind can make you think that you are walking on a tightrope above a very deep ravine...that any wrong move you make - even the slightest lean in the wrong direction - leads to instant death. That is a very draining way to live life! And it won't do you any good to be under that kind of constant stress.

Realize your journey is much more like being on a stable road, moving forward. You may veer to the left and the right a little, but just focus on keeping it between the lines and you'll be fine.

Master your basics first!

-PM

Hey Dragon,

Howya doing?

Thanks for the words of wisdom. I will endeavor to improve.

Thanks for checking in. I just needed a few days to step off the roller coaster. I don't know if I am detaching, but I find I am no longer waiting for her to make a move. I will update recent events later today. There have been some positives and some negatives. Some days it feels like one step forward and two steps backwards. At this pace, it will take a decade for her to work her way out of the fog.

It's good to step away from here. I actually did that this weekend too. Just needed a break and to just live the db instead of wondering if everything I was doing was ok and posting about it. It helped a LOT.

It does feel completely slow, and dreadful. Like in a time warp or slo-mo some days. It does make you feel like you wish you had a crystal ball to predict the end to the madness. Ah well.

We learn so much about ourselves during this time, give it that blessing at the least. Hang in there Dragon.

As suggested by my TC, Thursday (Halloween) I put on a costume and delivered a plastic pumpkin filled with candy to W at work. She looked puzzled and asked why I did that. I said to get a smile out of her. She didn't have a response. I wasn't satisfied with that so I did something I haven't generally done since she moved out, I called her. She apologized for not thanking me (I didn't bring it up) and then vented about work for nearly an hour.

Friday there was only limited contact.

Saturday W emailed me asking if she could stop by. I said of course she could visit. She then said she was going to the market and asked if I needed anything (a first since she moved out). I responded I needed toilet paper and kitty litter. When she arrived she had those as well as a few snacks/treats for me. She pet the cat and talked for nearly three hours (her longest visit in months). She mostly vented about work. She did indicate she was no longer friends with the one person at work she had spent time with. She said she's been eating too much lately and needed to cut back. She also talked about music, some stories from her past, etc. I guess you'd say it was a normal rambling conversation. She then picked up some shoes she had left and said something about getting the rest of her clothes. I'm guessing she had left mostly cold weather clothes at the house.

Some signs of life, but still nothing definitively about R. It gets frustrating after a while.

Monday there was not much communication.

Tuesday, W was chatty, but also visibly upset. She talked about hating where we worked. At one point she was in tears. It was all I could do to not try and hold her/comfort her. I emailed her later and said if she needed to talk, she could call me anytime. She thanked me, but said she was too pissed to talk.

Today (Wednesday), she seemed completely different than the day before. She seemed more upbeat. She stopped by to chat about work news. She asked for my help with some technical problem at work and I didn't offer to help right away, but I did stop by later to help. Later on, she dropped by my office to tell me about her experience with some students and to offer me some feedback. I listened and told her I appreciated her thoughts. I don't know why, but the longer she talked, the more upset I felt. I suppose I was thinking how long it has been since we had been affectionate. How long it has been since I have seen her naked. How long it has been since we last ML. It really hurt.

I don't know if it qualifies as GALing, but I tried a pub that is just down the road from me. It has a cozy atmosphere and food that reminds me of home cooked meals. I limit my imbibing to two beers with some food, but it is nice to have somewhere to go other than an empty house. After just one visit, the bartender knows what I like. I sit by myself, but it feels more social than talking with my cat. An improvement I guess. In fact, I wrote the last several posts from the pub.

Sure it's GAL'ing! It's a start. Now maybe find some people to chat with at the bar. It's hard for us introverts to get out there with other people.

It does feel good just to be out and about and not sitting at home thinking about all this stuff all the time.