Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Second MLC?? Is that possible?

The frustration just continues. My BIL, who runs the US side of the business with me, has been trying to contact H for two days for input on an issue we are trying to resolve. H has basically ignored him.

I did get an email from H about 8am this morning telling me he had a bad day - issues with the cell phone people over there - and was going to "drink his dinner". He signed off with "talk to you later."

I took that to mean he would call later in the morning (which he often does in case we need something from him) and told BIL he would be able to talk to H this morning.

No contact. No call, No answers to emails, texts, nothing.

I guess he doesn't have children to abandon, so the US side of the business is the substitute. I feel like he came back here, calmed me down and got me under control and is now off doing his thing without having to worry that I will be a problem again. Arghhh!

BIL and I can make the decisions ourselves, but H needs to understand that if he doesn't want to participate in running HIS business, then he cannot complain when we don't do things the way he wants them done. BIL is on board with that and said he would make it clear to H. (I am almost tempted to deliberately do things he won't agree with, as long as it doesn't damage the bottom line, just to show him that he does not control me!)

I am seriously beginning to wonder if it's time to throw in the towel. I absolutely amazed myself when he was here - no crying, no unbearable pain. I was just numb. I love the man and I still want him in my life, but I'm beginning to question why?

He came back with threats of attorneys and moving out and D and I caved. I didn't beg or try to stop him - I just cracked a door. Now here I am wondering if I should have ignored the threats and just let him do whatever it was he wanted to do. (I don't think he would have done much of anything. I don't think HE wants to let go of the rope.)

Oh well. Tomorrow's another day, right?

Well, here I am a week later and things are not good.

H keeps telling me how happy he is that we are talking and we are friends again. But, in the course of the conversation, he also said he had dinner with OW and that he was trying to figure things out and apologized for making me wait for him.

Then he went 3 days with no contact. When he finally emailed, he said he was just really busy with "business stuff". Then answered some questions I had asked 4 days earlier and ended with another apology for keeping me in limbo.

I replied that he was not keeping me in limbo, that the direction in my life didn't depend on what he did or what decisions he made. I told him that right now I didn't know what direction that would be or who would travel with me, but I did know that I wouldn't choose a life like the one I have lived for the past 6 months.

That set him off. This morning when I got up I had a nasty email basically telling me to *#&% off and then a text with an image of a girl with half her face blue and the other half black and the caption: Best thing about the worst time in you life is you get to see the true colors of people you cared for. Then he changed his profile picture to one with a look that said "Hah! Take that!" I was just stunned.

A few hours later, he phoned the office and I was hesitant to talk. He asked didn't I want to talk to him, so I said sure and caught him up on a couple of business issues and said everything else was normal. He got angry and just said to put (another employee) on the phone. I said sure and did it.

I think he is trying to get me to apologize to him for whatever I did that he feels was hurtful AND he is looking for a reaction to his stunt this morning - neither of which he will get.

I know he is trying to figure out how he can live in both of his worlds - why he still wants me around is a mystery to me. You don't do that kind of stuff to a friend, much less someone you say you love. To me, that kind of stuff borders on abuse.

I have an appointment with an attorney next week - just to get my ducks in a row.

I am so glad I can come here to vent.

Hi 2t2m,

I think you did AWESOME. You have conveyed to him in a polite and firm way that you are moving on regardless of what he does. You have taken back some of the power, not in a superior way, but in a loving manner, he has taken from you.

His reactions are predictable, it's part of the mlc agenda. He sees you are not responding to his outrageous behavior so he is trying even harder to get you to react, to justify his actions and fantasy world.

So I would say you ARE doing good! It's a tough, tough thing to deal with on a daily basis. Hang in there.

Thanks Pudmuddle. I wasn't sure what I did was the right thing. I've been reading some self-improvement books and one of them talked a lot about holding people accountable for what they do. I realized that he came over here, said a lot of the things I wanted to hear and then went right back to what he was doing. I figured it was time to hold him accountable for his actions and make him see that there are consequences.

Hope your sitch is going okay.

Your story sounds so much like mine,my ex back in 1994 had an affair w/ an old coworker,she was 18 and he was 27 they had a 2 yr. relationship and we had just had a baby which I believe is why he stayed to work things out.
Things were good for the next 13 yrs. until his mother passed away in 2006 and that is when I saw it the MLC monster.
From what I have read here and in your posts he must of never finished his journey and he saw her one day told me he had all the old feelings come back for her, because back then he had decided he was going to leave us to be with her.
But he stayed due to lots of family and pastors talking to him that he decided to stay.......so HE NEVER WENT THRU HIS MLC wish I knew about this place back then it might of saved my marriage

I'm certain his journey was interrupted. I'm not quite sure what it was that pulled him out, except that he turned around right after I packed a suitcase and left the house for several days.

I think I knew inside somewhere that he hadn't reached the end - there weren't any outward signs that he has accepted himself for who is.

His "heart attack" (which I truly believe was a panic attack based on the doctor's inability to find any signs of a heart attack) triggered him back into crisis. So, now he's living it up while he can. The sad thing is he's doing a great deal of harm to himself health-wise.

I also know that he is a very "proud" individual and likes to feel like he's successful in his own right. I think that he is angry with me because he knows how much I am needed for his business to continue to succeed. Maybe that affects his feelings of self-worth. IDK. He used to say we made a "good team." I haven't heard that statement in quite some time.

The thing I find most interesting is that he has sought his father's respect for his (H's) accomplishments and - finally - his Dad told H how proud he was of what H had done with the company. Then H goes off to crazy land.

What scares me is that I have reached a point that I don't know how I feel about him anymore. Sometimes I feel love, but mostly I feel either pity or I'm just plain numb.

Today, I just can't get over the vile images and words he texted and emailed this morning. I knew he could be quite nasty, but that stuff is the worst he has ever done to me. It just reeks of pure hatred.

That is so hard to comprehend, because they were someone who really loved us would never hurt us at least not on purpose...I know that feeling of being hated and it freaking hurts to ur core.......mine told me I was no longer good in anything I did even in the bedroom......talk about my dignity and feelings being hurt when rt before the B/D I was always the one could still turn him on......sounds funny but those were his words...
I have come a long way and am good now but I still can't help but think of all the hurtful things he said and did.....so so sad

I'm sorry to hear about how he's treating you. If I think back to my own situation and how things played out, I think it's kind of to be expected in these situations. It seems to me that they are trying to shed their pain. To blame it on "something" or someone. I can look back now, over the years (and my ex still tries to hurt me from time to time) I can feel empathy for the amount of pain they go through. To me, it seems that she wanted to run away. To live a different life. From there, there is guilt and pain at the breakup of the marriage and a lot of self-loathing. Once, my ex told me she never loved me and that I deserved better. She doesn't remember doing that. Nor does she seem to remember re-remembering the past. That's how difficult it all is. The mind has a way of blocking some things out and re-writing some things to assist them in their journey. Me being me, I poked the bear a few times. That was part of my learning what was going on.

Believe me when I tell you, a 180 degree turn like that is not something that they ask for. A MLCr doesn't ask for nor choose this pain in the normal sense. We on the outside see an easy way out. Stop doing that and talk to me. They don't see that. At least not easily. They see a different solution.

The difference for them is that if you are at fault, then they feel justified to others and even themselves. So they go to great lengths to make it your fault. I watched that happen over the course of a very long couple of years. The bottom line is that my ex wanted out. To have a different life, but needed it to be for a reason. That led to making it my fault and the truth didn't need to be part of the conversation.

That's the kind of mentality you're up against. They are driven to leave and to search for their "reasons" at all costs. And all the best lies have a grain of truth. The ones that aren't that great a lie, often get forgotten by the MLCr. They may regret it later. They may not.

What to do about it? First off, realize it's not about you. Second, realize you can't understand what he does not understand himself. The things he says or does are not about you; they are about something or someone else. We talk about detachment because it's then that you insulate yourself from that "junk" that they spew. They are accountable for their choices, but you are the last person who can do much about it. They have to do it on their own. If you get close, you'll feel the meat grinder turned toward you. If you move to a safe distance (emotionally) you can be there, but not get pummeled by their junk. It's your best option in my opinion.

Empathy. Grace. Detachment. It's very helpful to practice those things.

Peace,
AJ

So after his mean images and emails yesterday, he texts me this morning to wish me good morning and say he hopes I have a good day! Huh??? I ignored it.

Then I get a text asking why I don't want to talk to him.

I did reply to that one and told him that what he did yesterday was incredibly disrespectful to me and asked him why I would want to talk to him.

Later, he called the office and I tried to avoid talking to him, but he specifically asked to talk to me. He wanted to know what I was so upset about. He acted like he had no idea. When I told him I didn't appreciate the images and texts he sent, he said they weren't meant for me! He said he had put a caption under the image with one of our employees names, but the caption apparently didn't come through. Really?? He apologized for the "misunderstanding."

I just thanked him for the apology and let it go - or tried to.

He then went on to say how much my last email hurt him - the one where I said my choices didn't depend on him. I think he was looking for an apology from me, which he didn't get. Then he launched into wanting to maintain our "friendship" - which I read as his attempt to keep me pacified while he continues with his behavior over there.

Every time I think he can't do anything more to astonish me, he comes up with something new.

I agreed to sell a part of our business that I am tired of dealing with several months ago. Before H left, he contracted with a broker for the sale. I have been dealing with it by myself for weeks ... providing documents and financials, negotiations, etc.

Today, the final transfers took place. I am so peeved because I feel like he initiated the sale and then dropped everything in my lap to complete ... sort of like a "have fun with that" thing. He had promised to come back at the finalization of the sale, but, of course, he is too busy. I am so angry at having all of this dumped on me. Yet, he still believes he is entitled to half the proceeds?? It was my business idea .. I built it .. and now I've sold it. Why should he profit?? I know, marital assets .....

Right now, I have no interest in trying to save my marriage. The past week has been so hurtful that I wonder why I would ever consider wanting to stay with this man.

I know that isn't the point of this forum, but I just wonder how much one can take?

I try to feel loving and compassionate, but there just isn't anything there. I feel like he is doing just fine - living it up in the life he has created for himself - and I am left to clean up the mess he has left behind.

I wish I could find it inside myself to "stay the course" but I grow more and more disillusioned every day.

At this point, I only want the pain to stop and I don't know how to do that.