it was nice to be awayh= he treats me nicely- we travel well together. he said he had a nice visit just now at airport- i'm sooooo sophisticated - never manage to be ready and say 'THE RIGHTTHING> WELL, what i imagine would have been a better thing.s
he says he had a really nice time, i say" so, like, areya surprised???" because it surprioses me that he's surprised - it shouldn't - but it does . he says yeah- i call him a jackass- he is waving behind his back- wtf????
why is this dope so surprised? well, beause he tells himself alll the timee apparently what a jerk i am- then when he's here for that stupid scant week- and has a nice time he's surprised (like every time) wstf and how does one ever make a dent or change in that???
idk- but idc either (tht's i do't care. i'm working on telling myself that a million times a day- it's becoming automatic- and you know what? mostly i donj't.
h is crabbh -[ idc; he's nice as can be - idc (wel, i notice, don't put any store by it or think it "means" an;thing and so on.
i'mgonna be queen of detachment somday.
okay- gonna take a big ole hot bath- it's chilly out- windy a bit and cold in the house- and since it's soooo quiet it's like a stinking tomb - may as ell do something cozy if walkin buddy isn't home from school yet - better call.
you're sounding good and i'm glad of it. i don't have too mjuch goin n here. i need to get out the storm windows too- get doing some stuff in garden before it gets too cold - plant a fwew thigs and hope thwey donj't croak-
nothing going on here - been chatting with my neice in dc - she's 30 & contemplating a move across country-
made a funny little comment about it would be "pressing reset" on their lives (her and her so). funny little modern concept.
i sure wish i could think of anything in the universe that would "reset" my life and somehow "fix" it. wouldn't it be a lovely concept-??? one big old "do-over". if only - huh????
reality being what it is - working daily on just accepting what life is at the moment and trying (FURIOUSLY) TO NOT just accept blame & guilt for what my life is now - and not even think there is some quick "fix" lurking out there available to me - other than "waiting it out".
i do wonder tho- about the whole "run away" thing - it could be possible to just change every darn thing and "begin over" somewhere. i don't actually believe it will heal anything inside me - it's just some notion that flits in and out of my mind that sounds really really good some days.
i usually end up telling self it will be allllll the same "problems" in a new place-
ya know what? this is me going down some stupid trail of thinking and then probably over-thinking same old junk.
i'm gonna say "it is what it is" for the moment and go right away from here.
if my outlook & tolerance in life is not broadened and my patience broadened and my pain/discomfort-endurance is not broadened by all this - then i am amazed and not human at all.
i am feeling waaaaaay "enlarged" by this sitch- inside it's painful - on a broader level it's hugely awakening - what the heck this "broadened person" does with herself is still a mystery to me -
hoping in the fullness of time it allllll becomes apparent. oh yeah- me sitting quietly awaiting "wisdom" to alight on my noggin (hopefully not in the form of a falling piano - but who does know?) huh???
idk- im outta here before i depress myself. it's a pretty day ;and i need to plant those roses before they get croaked & rake a bit & dig out stuff to sell at a flea market tomorrow - put away the junk i dug out yesterdaY AND CLUTTERED up with and get going.
i wonder (*catholic mother) if really it's all nothing more than something like - if you've had a life that you felt was really great - somehow you have to "pay" for it with some misery-type life? i am soooo nutty and indulge in such wacky notions- even as i say it out loud- i wonder what the heck goes on in the background of this brain- and then i think about people (i know) that never ever talk about thoughts & feelings - and how wacked out things must get inside their heads - and seem perfectly normal and logical as long as they remain in there- unsaid- unheard. oh well huh:
i have no idea why i'm seeing something below saying "preview" of what i'm typing now- but i'm ignoring it- and getting off.
anyone here - have a wonderful day - devoid of any heavy "thoughts & worries" - i'm going to go pull the plug and drain away anything not "flower" "sunshine" chillie pretty autumn day- get productive, tink a good thought, appreciate what YOU HAVE rather than strss over what you have not- etc.
yeah- enlarged - i was actually talking about my waistline and "fat head". NO- KIDDING-
one lives in hope huh? (of getting totally beyond it, of making progress (seen or unseen) - of finding some kind of "answer" -
of making - da da dummmmm- "THE DECISION" - WHATever tht turns out to be-
etc. oh well- thanks for note- yeah, we do need to meet up = it would be fun.
i'm a pretty bad "stick in the mud" - idk- always think i'm sooooooooo busy & have all these "chores & duties"in life alll lined up allll the time- i really really need to conquer that. lightening up a bit on that front- houses & yards are bottomless pits of needy - not to mention people- same drill.
if i did as much actualy "work product" as thinking about it- i'd be in wonderful shape here-
"he says he had a really nice time, i say" so, like, areya surprised???" because it surprioses me that he's surprised - it shouldn't - but it does . he says yeah- i call him a jackass- he is waving behind his back- wtf????
why is this dope so surprised? well, beause he tells himself alll the timee apparently what a jerk i am- then when he's here for that stupid scant week- and has a nice time he's surprised (like every time) wstf and how does one ever make a dent or change in that???"
Nero! H didn't say he was surprised he had a nice time, just that he did have a nice time. And so did you. You need to stop making this stuff up in your head. Like your stubborn belief that every moment H is not with you, he's boinking his fat OW. They live hours away from each other.
You are causing so much of your own pain, my dear friend. I wish you would just accept the fact that your H flies up to NJ because he loves you and enjoys your company. I think if you hold on to that truth, it will help balance the rest of the dreaded detachment a little better.
I tell myself several times a day that the love my H feels for me is real, the love he feels for the Russian Tramp is false, a temporary infatuation, a game of pretend. Positive thinking, right? It sticks, but only temporarily. So I have to remind myself again.
How is your beautiful garden? Whipping those Rose of Sharon into submission? Have a great weekend!
Linda
Me 65, Ex 64 M 38 y 2 adult S, 4 G-Kids MLC 11/07 BD 12/09 D 3/14 Dating nice guy 7/14 Engaged to nice guy 12/17
Nero - there is a sort of dynamic between the MLC shaping us and our changes in response to it. I am not sure that we actually make the emotional decisions as arrive at them. It is a bit like wanting to be at the end of our journey, whereas the journey ends when we arrive. Ummm this sounds a bit zen, but there you are.
We do get there, we try to make changes, and sometimes the changes make us. I have recently cut back drastically on coffee drinking and I think it has addled my brain.
There aren't really answers in the way we might think, just the power to get on with our lives, and enjoy being the new person that circumstance has forced on us. I think most of us fight this for a long time.
As for the tasks, yes, it requires huge self discipline to change - and to face what comfort we find in this constant sense of chores and duties. Learning to give ourselves permission to feel and do what we really want (probably draw the line at ripping off the OPs head and setting fire to SOs car!LOL) Positive thoughts and actions really are beneficial even if a bit Pollyannaish. And we do not need to bend ourselves all out of shape in this quest for perfection!
Hang in there girl and stop beating yourself up, sounds like your family do it for you anyway. You sound like my sort of person.
Nero - there is a sort of dynamic between the MLC shaping us and our changes in response to it. I am not sure that we actually make the emotional decisions as arrive at them. It is a bit like wanting to be at the end of our journey, whereas the journey ends when we arrive. Ummm this sounds a bit zen, but there you are.
This is so good! Well written and right on!
I have trouble with the decisions, yet they do seem to be being made everyday. What's wrong with zen, I'll take it!
Hi Nero, you do sound good I have to say. It's harder when you've been with him for the duration that you have, but I know you understand that to him this is a friendship regardless of where your heart is, you understand where heart is also, and that's the rub!
I'm beginning to understand that they call this a crisis for a reason. It's not only a personal crisis that they go through, but a crisis that those around them must face as well. And there's nothing easy about this, nor is there a fast fix.
I can say I have truly realized that I must move on. At the same time I do realize there's a part of him that will follow me, but it is up to me to figure out how I will handle that, I know I need to be the focus, as you do.
But also, as I move forward there is also part of me that will sometimes look back because how do you really shake someone who's been in your life for as long as these men have? This is in no easy way, or fun way, but can we make it adventurous, LOL, instead of so lonely and sad?
I was reading something Michelle wrote, about when were in our 20s 30s 40s 50s 60s, we look toward people for different things, makes me really understand that in my 40s the husband I have today cannot meet my needs, nor the needs of someone who has gone off path with him.
I agree, you are handling this and you are strong, and you have been in your own way moving forward. You're okay Nero! Time will heal you, and your H will do what he's gonna do, so why feel bad, he's not!
We will all meet again UR, this is going to be something we all grow from and friends are a big key.
Love all you guys, dm!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
i know- you're rite bout the positive reinforcement of self. idk why i cannot tap into that "hope" & positive thing with this so much (anymore).
i had a dreadful notion for one moment today that perhaps this is just how he likes his life and it will be this and only this forever more. i don't think i can stick it- i'm not "done" yet- but he's definitely chipping away at whatever we had.
i hear what you're saying- perspective is everything. i just can't abide (like that) him just plugging this stupid ow into my "place" in our house and life down there. and that's exactly what it is- it's kind of disgusting to think i am just replaced in every pertinent way with another stupid olee person- that's how very special i am.
okay- i'll get off that and just stop it. i am getting better and better at just STOPPING IT - AND heading in some other direction.
lately with the holidays approaching and this life of mine in the toilet kind of (well, with mother, sis & stupid hate h and my particular sitch) - i feel very darn tired. i'll be happy if school callse next week and i am just busy and do not think at all. i'm too pooped and unable to think about anything almost. it's wierd feeling- just like i'm hanging out there in space and the ship is about 100 feet away- you know, me and sandra bullock hanging onto our lifelines -
anyway- it's better than raw & pain-
THE DARN ROSE OF SHARON ARE STILL "WINNING". IF i don't win some stinking battle soon- i don't know what. even a damn bush is getting the better of me!!!
tomorrow for sure.
thanks for note- i'll work on that pma stuff- i know i need to find that little book telling me to send out what i want to return to me- it's gott to be bettr than this
just took pix of my neice going to a dance- she looked soooo cute and young & fresh & her little date was soooo cute and nice young man- i feel like crying. i'm sooo glad she's got the dte- he's had a crush on her forever- she has a couple best buddy girlfriendw who always have dates - she was a bit "odd man out" last year- so i'm quite happy she's got him doting on her a bit- nice to feel desireable at any age.
she's a nice girl - head on straight. it was nice and i feel so happy for her (coursage even!) woo hoo.
anyway- lots of british shows tonite- so im good. bit of baily's irish cream- chilly cozy nite- something to do in a.m. (handing out water for a somethingK walk in town) etc.
have a nice nite- you sound good. i'm so jealous of your pma and upbeat attitude. i'm workin on it man.
yeah- it's hard. your comment about the coffee- i feel like my brain is wrapped up in bubble wrap most of the time and i'm finding it one bit harder to concentrate- stick with the conversation- tak in the information, etc.
some days i wonder if i'm getiting loopie like mom - eeeeeek!!!!
i feel badly to here myself say ratty stuff and be soooo negative about my family. idk- maybe just saying it out loud helps me gear back a bit. something about this last big "to do" mom being accusatory & demanding- sister and h chopping my head off- it changed me. idk if it's temp or permanent- just some big shift in my level of caring.
might be good- how long can you give a darn in the face of negativism?
youre sounding good - i was tryin hard and like your little bit about being at the end when we arrive = rather than getting to the end because we get there (or somewhere).
it's tangled- but i kind of "get it". the changes - they come and you made me realize i'm drinking less coffee- it might be good, i am totally running at top speed in mornings after about 8 cups of coffee. (it sounds like alot- just two giant mugs- ) but lately i'm drinking less and maybe i'm a bit more foggy - but less totally freaking too.
did that make ssnes? maybe it's the caffeen.
i'm truly tryin to get going more even with the positive thoughts and actions. i'm feeling mighty unwilling about visiting my mom - since she's got helpers there allll day- i'm letting myself slack the heck off and stay away. i'm sorry if she notices it and doesn't like it- she can't change herself. went over other day- she'was scrappy and critical.
just can't stop herself i guess- i can't "do" her just yet. same with sister & h - just cannot force self to deal with them.
i am letting myself off that hook- i hope i'll never regret it- but i just need some distance and detachment from them. it isn't normal
anyway - i'm tryin and i'm workin on it. thanks for the note- i guess i do keep busy as a means of not thinking or laying about. i'm getting tired tho- i'm no spring chicken anymore- tho took a picture of self other nite and it is surprisingly decent- i was amazed.
i am a total pollyanna - can't fight it. 62 years of optimism has taken it's tole - i don't think i can get allll totally down and negative any more if i wanted to. it feels too bad - and i'm too tired of feeling bad.
i'm goinna go crawl in bed and get cozy (keep heat low - so it's chillie in here0 good sleeping tho- i sure hate being hot after allll those years of cooking alive in FLA. eek
i'm workin on it- tho i'll never ever be perfect- can't even picture what that would look like. don't think it exists honestly- just me . ta data da - xxoo and have a wonderful evening.
thanks for vote of confidence. i know what you'er saying. sometimes i wonder if i truly can (really) envision life without him in it. he's been there my entire adult life.
i've been "attached" to someone my entire adult life. i'm not so afraid - i'm glad to be alive and healthy - so wtf?? i can deal with what4ever comes i guess. like, do we really have a choice about it anyway? i think not...
I'm very tired just now. i don't look forward to the holidays- i can't even acknowledge them in my mind. i am a bit "shut off" feeling rite now. good or bad- idk
anyway- you sound good and i'm glad of it. i'm jealous that you're so sure of what you're thinking and feeling.
i can't think about it- tv show worth watching in ten min. gonna get cleaned up and in bed and just try and not even remember he exists in my life- see what tomorrow brings i guess.
