Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis NERO STILL FLOATING DOWNSTREAM

hey hi-

yeah- it would seem i am making myself crazy a bit. trying to keep busy in the extreme - even did some much needed -(long put off shopping) yesterday,.. i sure don't like shopping so much. but got the heck out of the house & did some useful chores - it's a darn shame haven't been called for work- feast or famin huh? oh well-

ya think it allll reallty is a "test" of some sort. i don't think that holds water , personally. if there is a kind and loving God, why in the heck would he get his jollies tormenting people with "tests?"

anyway- it's hard to not try and figure wtf with something soooo out of character.

i am soooo really negative about this- i'm sorry to recognize it in me. i don't want to be this person- all covering up and suspicious. oh well huh??? one more stinkin thing for me to work on . this mlc is gonna kill me- i'm telling you.

last nite was very cute around town with all the kids out and it was soooo balmy all the people were sitting on their front steps to hand out candy- when we walked it was really a nice time and super duper friendly upbeat experience around the whole town- nice.

i appreciate you stopping in-= you're a little life saver out there- always have a minute to make us all feel like you're there and interested. even when i don't have the shame to go find you to because i realize i'm a big ole downer - it's a gift man- your willingness to share yourself with us all.

you're a special person. no lie

it's quite overcast but glorious out- warm and beautiful leaves blowing allover - very windy- i'm going out before fall is over- then hopefully willl wash the windows- befoe it's cold again.

i know- keep going- stop thinking - stfu (i did, really, i haven't said anything negative - but it sure all is rolling aorund inside me. raine put it well- just bumbled into er thread about her feelings- me too. funny to hear someone else saying what ya feel- glad to not e only old goober out her feeling this junk.

i keep wondering if i should just take a mini escape vacation of some sort and take myself rite away from every darn thing in life- how the heck that would fix anything i don't know- i just want to disappear tho.

oh well - this too shall pass i'd reckon. going to do something creatiove & unique to this house today or die. idk what exactly- probablty paint something somewhere-

thank you alot for giving a darn -

xxoohope your day is good

soooo- was on this WONDERFUL WONDERFUL WALK TO GET a fresh bagel becasue it's sooooo warm and blowie and balmie out - and the leaves are at their height of color- the whole world is golden & red-

and hat the notion - about people in this "throw-away" society.

that almost everyone would rather buy something new rather than fix something old (and worthy of fixing). was thinking of someting- then realized it applied to me - XACTLY.

JUST an old worthy serviceable person- worth fixing this r- will h do it- do the work? idk- he's definitely a "what? something new? new APP? GOTTA HAVE IT- IT'S NEW SO IT'S BETTER) KINDA guy.

i may be seling him (and the universe) short- but so it would seem. i tink it's why stores bum me out- the sheer manic shopping all the time-

oh well- i know- depressing thought- THIS WOMAN IS LIKE A VERY VERY GOOD OLD PAIR OF LOAFERS - WORTH resoling - worth giving a lick of polish & a good brushing and wering til you drop dead.

much like my fav. black loafers i found yesterday- said hey yeah - fashioin - i don't need no stinking fashion - rolled up bottom of my good ole skinny jeans- put on my fav bulky rag/wool sox & wore them.

i may not have fashion- but i've got some kind of style. most don't "understand" it- but it's there, i'm pretty darn sure.

now- what to do with my beautiful big pile of leaves i picked- truly sooooo bright and wonderful to look at.

maybe i'll go roll in a pile if it stops sprinkling outside - or see who i can find to drag out on another walk.

it's such a spectacular day-

okay- just sharin

not dead yet

xxoo

hey world-

still hanging in here. still (maybe) "standing". was hearing myself just now commenting to loisb - in response to her query about why she wasn't embracing d and how she was still floating along in her sitch-

i listened and was surprised at my conviction here that somehow- some way - life presents us with our next , new options, even when we're not looking or expecting it. it just requires our ability to SEE them, and maybe we don't SEE them until we are ready for some next step, kidn of thing.

idk - does it sound nutty - maybe. people allllllll (when dealing out advice ^& input to someone else) sound sooooo suyre of what they'd do in our shoes. me too- i can think of things i've said and felt in life - in the past - and i feel embarassed to have ever thought i had one stinnking clue what someone else felt. (well, more like what they should consdier doing.)

i don't think i ever lean on folks(with alot of advice) to HAVE TO DO THIS, - BUT i can remember not truly understanding the breadth & depth of some sitch.(sister's w a s) i feel so sad now to look back and realize how much i didn't realize)

anwyay- tho, i always go around thinking everyone is delicate in their own way- needs sheltering and nurturing-

who the heck knows tho? anyway - my point - i think deep down inside that somehow the "right things" for us become apparent. or present themselves - or bad options too, don't get me wrong- that's where you make decisions based on your own values.

i have probably made some very bad decisions in life- based on who i was and what i felt then- no goin back rite??? i think at the time we all think we're doing the best we can.

i think lookin back is bad bananas. maybe that is me leetting self off hook for any bad decisions- idk

maybe i'm rambling a bit here- having had enough sleep and dreanmed waaaay too much all nite- makes me tired now tho awake- i'm thinking maybe life (for want of better name) shows us the way- rather than the reverse - us being allll powerful and full of decisions and selections, etc.??? (all the people i know in life who had big plans, rules, goals are all miserable floating poor saps who are not "happy" really with how life went- even the successful ones - wtf????? if you don't reach "the goal" you're unhappy- and if you reach it - it's "never what you thought it would be". i mean- really wtf is it with all that? anyway...

could it be? i wonder why i don't and think i can't select to just pick up my buttons and move to england. it sounds sooooo nice - sooooooo DESIREABLE. I CAN'T figure out why i don't. seems tooooo many entanglements and "strings" holding me here- family, h, friends, life???? "always unfinished business"...

idk- it's a wierd though when you really think what you COULD DO- (HAVE THE $$ to do if you REALLY REALLY REALLY NEEEEEEEDDTO> )

i'm outta here - off on a wird tangent today- lots of sleep- gives one a diferent perspective somewhat.

xxoo

Hi Nero! Hey did you see the sunset yesterday? Fabulously breath taking! I'm glad you are, as you say, "not dead yet" and it made me feel glad to be alive!

You are such a nice person. Just the thought of you sadly remembering advice you have given people, without really understanding all that they are going thru, makes me want to hug you Nero! We can never truly know another person, I dont' think. I don't think we can ever even truly know ourselves. I say a lot of things before thinking them out first At least I used to blurt stuff out, MLC has helped me in this, getting used to STFU with my H and it carries over into the rest of my life, you know?

I know what you mean though. I have thought someone nasty or cold, and then learned about something they were going thru, and it made me feel like crap for being judgmental. Even RT, who could blame her for wanting to escape the hell hole she lives in? Of course, she could go about it a different way, but her reality is what my H has told her about our relationship, and her dreams.

You keep thinking positive my friend! Maybe we'll move to England together. Or at least visit together. With our Hs, now wouldn't that be fun!

hey hi-

just wrote to you on your thread - big ole bunch of preachie stuff- dont' fold on me now man.

and yeah- you are positive influence - aintja proud?

it's a giant suckeroo for sure- allll of it . big fat unfair bunch of $hit- why in the heck perfectly nice girls like us end up in this crapful position- who can figure.

are we really REALLY supposed to believe there's some reason? idk- more like the random bad junk floating around in the universe that just bumps into things -= like us.

uh hem...how comforting huh? thinking of self as just some old discarded soda can on the road of life= tossed & squashed for no particular reason- other than bad timing/luck.
ta da---- i feel soooo special

idk- one more rose bush to plant- probably waited so damn long it'll croak and get frozen - hopefully not- but who the heck knows. i'm hoping it will have a month of okay weather to get started in -

just spoke to h- he's such a putz - i can tell from his stupid voice he's "busy" watching tv? computer? doin ow? idk- why call if he's kind of not interested ??/ i am soooo sick of being a stupid voice on the stupid phone-

oh well- i will not think - - i will not think - - i will not think...i'm outta here- neice here working on a paper andme floating around being - well , what & who i am....

disjointed and confused - my m.o.

ta da!! xxoo

Hey Nero, you know I have learned to forgive myself for things int the past. Things I've said, things I may have done or didnt do. And the reason I do is because I know I did the best I could at the time. Had I known better, I would have done better.

I like to believe that all the bad stuff that's happened to me most of my life wasnt because of some great master plan. That would suckk for me, right?

So, I think life is a mix of things. Sometimes stuff just happens. No real reason for it. And other times, I think, they happen for a reason. Either way, I try to figure out how best to handle it. If I can learn something from it, great. If not, that's ok, too.

Because the way I figure it, making myself crazy trying to sort it all out or understand it isnt going to change it. So, might as well just accept what is and deal with it as best I can.

I agree with you, that life presents things to us, but we have to be ready to see them in order to move on them.

I just try to do the best I can. Try to see things in a positive light even when life keeps throwing me curve balls.

Hey, I am not out til I say I am. So, I plan on just trying to catch whatever is thrown my way.

At least that's my plan. Who knows what may really happen. LOL!

Nero,

I know!! Come with me to London! We will all go. I will start an LBS-er travel agency and we will travel the world.

You are a kind, wonderful person.

I know it stinks why we came to this board. But, I don't come on daily because of my situation anymore--I mean I still need to vent, rant, cry, etc... But, that's not all of it anymore--not even half the reason anymore. It used to be. It was a lifeline for a long time because of the pain.

Now, I come on daily because I want to see what my FRIENDS are up to. You are my friend. We wouldn't have these friendships without all this drama in our lives. And, you know what else? We wouldn't have all this compassion and strength either.

If this hadn't happened. Chances are, tonight for instance, Smokey Joe would be asleep around 6 and I'd be left with the kids--trying to get my needs met by watching TV and parenting. I would probably be hating myself because I didn't earn enough money, spent too much money, didn't feel like having sex with this emotionally distant/damaged guy...Bottom Line: I wouldn't be liking myself.

Now, even on my worst days. I know I'm strong. I know I have friends who love me. I know I'm doing the best I can. And, I don't have a load in the bedroom snoring and sleeping away his life--then waking up to blame me.

Hang in Nero. You are too awesome to give up on.

Heather

Hey Lois, can I come, too? That is my biggest dream - to travel the world.

Oh man, we would all have a ball, wouldnt we?

hey hi guys-

thanks alotg for checkin - in. me too, i get a "dose" of friendship and comraderie in life by coming here - before going about my day. oh nooooo- another addiction.. ta da

i know too, the figureing things out- it's a v bad m.o. it sure doesn't change anything - knowing wtf it's about (usually).

habit (bad habit) of a lifetime- who knows, i'm slowly (maybe - hopefully) getting cured of it. i was thinking today i've worried a lifetime worth and it accomplished absolutely notin.

kind of "freeing" to realize it with certainty. i don't even feel bad or anyting, just notice it- acknowledge it - and let it blow on by, knowing i'll do better in future. i'd say daily - i am doing begtter with the not worrying.

that was long long beforfe i began to realize that it was pointless and most stuff either never heppened- or didn't matter once it did. we do just have to accept and deal and move on.

oh well huh? wisdom of age???

i think now that i'm here i don't have mjch of anhthing useful to say . just had some company- friend whose mom'd died couple weeks ago in europe. - her ex is nuts (literally) and probably frying his brian with insecticides??? aorund his house (he has delusions about bugs attacking!!) omg...

anyway- nice to see her- she's okay but quite a downer - draining - glad to be me now . neice upstairs editing her paper- worked all afternoon here on it- nice to have someone around.

i miss it alot. i can make do alone - even realy really sought alone time when we'd lived together for 20 or so yrs, have lived to regret that; it's an amazing thing in life- what you want, what you hate once you get it- getting just exactly the right amount of whatever, not too much (ha) and not too little (ha).

i'm not even picky and high-maintenance- and i can't manage to get it rite now.

oh well huh???(big time).

it's an awfully pretty afternoon & planted the last rose - thank goodness. hyou'd think i was working on solution to world peace - where the heck to plant the darn roses....

- maybe i can get neice to walk over and visit mom with me- she's a pretty good egg about it- glad to have my little buddy (well 15 - not little at all- but a very nice young lady beginning to be a babywoman) - thank goodness for her

that's all folks- hope youall have a nice afternoon & make it peacefuly (?) thru another evening & nite.

xxoo.

okaykids

if i ever seriously figure out the trip thing- i'll let it be known.

i've done my best travelin with my sister & h- so will definintely need a traveling companion i think. was thinking about it in bed last nite- have to admit to self that traveling for me is allllll about having a good sidekick to share it with.

the wonderful things are nicer even when shared and "discoveed" with someone - and of course, the worst adventures are funniest when you're sharing them and laughing in retrospect about what a fiasco it all was- gotta have a bud. i might feel a bit "unsafe" alone.

that being said- i see myself for what i am i think. - i am a better person when i'm around other people. i'm probaly my best self when i'm "providing" something to or for someone else- i can exist successfully by myself, and i certainly neeeeeed alone time - but - i'm just happier - funnier- everything-ier when i'm sharin it .

it's okay and creepy too. i just "accidentally" called and kind of jokingly "yelled" at h for being inconsiderate - for not even wondering what the heck was up with me or how i feel - probably totally wrong dbing technique. i was just feeling like - HEY-

ME: ring ring - "hey HI- ARE YOU OKAY??? H: "(yes)" - me: "okay,good - then good by and drop dead"

him - wiat a minute, etc, blubber, etc. small ok or wierd-ish conversation.

he finally says- you have a phone too - you can call me. i HAVE TO RESPOND - yeah, how does that work again? i call and you're laying there in bed with someone else and i'm askin ya how your day was? what do i say? was it good for you??? you send me message you're "doin whatever you want" in life- and whattya think i think??? do ya think i feel "welcome" to call & intrude??? anytime??? geeeez -

what else??? no real response that means anything- idk

i hope i didn't say any thing too incredibly dopey- we didn't fite or anything-

my frustration spilled over a bit- is it soooo awful for him to know i'm a person and not some totaly cold & detached eunich? is it really what i want to be or have him or anyone think i am- a cold unfeeling detached un-needing of anything kind of person???

i actually wonder sometimes - because mwd says and everyone here says - that most of our h's are off SAVING some other poor sap they feel superior to. wtf - so what if part of the mix has to be that they feel we need them? not as in "goin under" all the time- as it to be more satisfied ^& happy in ourlives>??? is it that awful-
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yueah- iknow, major big mis-step. fell off my stfu wagon?

idk gang - wtf is the good of alllll this stuff anyway. i know i'm supposed to trust the process - what??? allll my "trust" in life shattered and blown to bits - across the board by my fam., mlc - life??? oh gee- i forgot i'm supposed ;to be better and more than i am - just a person here.

oh well, just human i guess - hate it sometimes

fall down 142 - get up 143


oiyyyyyy