Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Second MLC?? Is that possible?

I think your h is in a mixture of replay, depression and withdrawal. He's still very confused about where he wants to be and still hasn't come to the conclusion (yet) that happiness comes from within. He's still trying to find that illusive happiness. Yes, he's doing some thinking and he's realizing that he's burned some bridges and doesn't quite know how to open the door to return home or begin reconnecting w/his family and friends. In time, he will find the key.

Keep the focus on you and no expectations. The heart is always the last to realize that you can move forward w/or w/o him. You are doing great...keeping digging for patience.

He says he's blown up his bridges!

I said he took all responsibility for where he/we are right now, but he did sort of blame me for one thing. He said that when I said I was finished (one of my angry emails), he decided he had to make the best of what he had over there and decided to try to make his relationship with her work. I just wonder if that was setting himself up to blame me for the break up and his sitch over there, however it may have turned out.

Or if pursuing her was a last attempt to see if that would bring him happiness since nothing else he has tried has done that?? I think he knows it will never work. Based on what he said about their relationship (and I believe he was being honest - some of what he said was just too much information), they are not at all compatible.

Anyway, I did a 180 and opened the door back up. Now, his confusion, which leads me to believe that he really wasn't ready to toss in the towel.

He did make one interesting comment while he was here and warned me ahead of time that it would scare me. He said when he got involved with her sexually, he knew what he was doing was wrong but he didn't feel any guilt. I replied that, yes, that was scary and left it at that. But, wow. I'm not quite sure what to think about that and wonder why he told me that??

I think your h is one confused puppy and is still trying to get a reaction out of you. Although, mlcers tend to run off at the mouth and if you sit back and listen. If they think they have your attention, good or bad, well they are more confident and/or cocky about things and that's when you learn so much more about what they are doing and thinking.

He may not be able to even tell you why he told you that, except possible for a reaction. Continue to listen and validate whenever you can. The more he opens up, the more you will learn about him, his thoughts and his journey to finding his true "self".

My only real question now is should I continue to let him make contact and just reply, or should I initiate once in a while? (That would be on a personal level ... I occasionally have to contact him re business stuff.)

I would continue to initiate contact if it's business related, but on a personal level....allow him to come to you. Trust me, he will contact you. Only reply to his emails if you feel an answer is warranted.

I did the same thing with an angry email. I overreacted and sent a terribly hateful, rejecting email. Within the month, he had moved OW into his apartment.

I think it's great he is trusting you again. I can see how you want to treat this reconnection gently. It must be nice to have his perspective on the OW. Sure doesn't seem like a fabulous relationship and his telling you this truth is so validating.

He seems genuinely sorry for the embarrassment he has caused you at work. Or, at least, he seems to be in a bad state and willing to accept his contribution.

Heather

Hi Heather,

After a glass of wine, some candlelight and a bubbly bath, I'm not so sure about his honesty.

I didn't actually hear him cancel appointments with attorneys. That is something he would do ... tell me he was planning to file for D just to scare me back into line and then say he had changed his mind after talking. I told him I had hired a PI over there when I didn't ... a tactic I learned from him!

The other thing that doesn't add up is he went to the store to buy some things that he "needed" to take back. Usually that consists of shampoo, canned meats ... things like that. He didn't ask me to come shopping with him, although I offered the day before to help him. I didn't see him bring anything in to pack and he usually piles it up in the dining room.

He had a large suitcase that he brought back (empty). It was in the garage and he brought it in when I wasn't around and packed it when I wasn't aware. When we got to the airport, he pulled it out of the trunk and I remarked on how big a bag he was taking back with him and that seemed like a lot of stuff. He said he had a mattress pad in it and it took up a lot of room.

I didn't think much of it at the time, but I remember him taking a mattress pad back a couple of months ago, so now I'm wondering what was really in the bag. I know there are a lot of sweaters missing from his closet.

He also told me he needed to take some cash back for living expenses. He said he was taking 10K. I saw at least 5 of it. He is scheduled to be back on 11-6 (although he indicated he may change that). There is no way he would need that much money for 2 weeks.

Now, the doubt has set in. I don't know how much is genuine and how much is BS.

Currently, I am the only one in the office who can do the bookkeeping, write checks, process payroll and pay bills and taxes. At some point in our conversations, he remarked that I should teach his brother (who he hired to be his replacement when he's not here) everything I do in case something happens to me. I don't think I'll be doing that.

At this point I'm not quite sure how to react to his contacts. Should I be friendly and accommodating or go back to being a little distant?

He keeps texting that he his glad we are "friends" again. He indicated before he left that he had a lot to think about and didn't know where we would go from there.

He also keeps thanking me (over and over) for being willing to talk and try to rebuild the friendship.

The next time he does that, I am thinking of replying that he doesn't need to thank me ... that I consider him a friend and he needed to talk and he needed someone to listen. That I would do that for any friend.

Thoughts?

I know he "needs" me in his life business-wise. I just don't know how I will be able to tell if the "wants" me in his life is genuine.

I think that if he truly wants you in his life and it's genuine, you'll be able to tell by the way he talks to you, looks at you and the body language may be a bit different. Just keep in mind, that it takes a while for all of this to come together, so you may have some touch and gos for a while w/this. He may come closer for a bit and then flit away again for a bit. Eventually he begins to remain close for longer periods of time. Observe his body language because that will tell you more about him than anything else.

Today was not particularly good. I couldn't get this stuff out of my mind. I just kept thinking about him being back over there, in the apartment he has set up for himself, comfortable and "finding himself" and the more I thought about it, the more depressed I became.

He called and asked how things were going in the office. I told him fine and then talked a little about some issues I had with the alarm system at the house. He told me he was in a "good place" and asked if I was. I lied and said I was .. that I was doing fine. He then said he was glad we were "friends again."

I thought, "I don't want to be just your stinking friend. I want to be your wife!"

My gut just keeps telling me that he is stringing me along because he needs me in the business. If I walked away tomorrow, it would all fall apart. The bills wouldn't get paid, the employees wouldn't get a paycheck ... it would all fall apart in no time at all.

Job, I understand what you say about reading body language, but he is half a world away and I have to rely on what he says ... and I know how deceitful he can be if it suits his purposes.

I want so badly to believe he was truthful with me when he was here, but now that he is gone, I am back at square one.

I am trying to dig down and find the patience, but it is so hard. I am fighting the urge to send more destructive emails ... so I'm here instead.

I did go on Amazon today and ordered some books that I think will help me overcome some of my weaknesses - like lack of assertiveness. So, at least that is a positive for today. I'm also looking for some online courses that will just be fun to do, like, I don't know, basket weaving or flower arranging ... anything that will fill up the empty time around this lonely house.

Sorry for the downer post. I guess I just needed to vent.