Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis "homework" from job - Hi Job, thank you

More from our convo...

(I am not good at remembering word for word like most of you)

H: Have you given any more thought to the finances?

M: No, why, is someone asking you for money? Are you spending large amounts of money?

H, with quizzical look: No. why?

M: I haven't thought about it because I still believe in you, us and our marriage.

He sat down and stared at me.
*****

Pudmuddle, now is the time for you to really get GALing and start building back your PMA. Can you plan to get out tomorrow night and the next? Maybe plan something fun with your S?

ETC

I don't know if I can etc. I am so broken up I am shaking right now. I want to ask him now to move out.

If this is the life he wants to lead, then he must live it.

It pains me to see him destroying the family and his S because of his selfish needs.

P, just remember that your mind is really a changing system. Right now it's going haywire because it's so hard to process all of this. Give it some time to settle. You don't want to make any impulsive decisions. Give yourself time to heal.

Can you go do something to relax right now? Take a walk (dog?), take a shower or bath, watch a TV show, pray? I wouldn't pursue him at all until you're in better shape emotionally and I know for certain that you're going to get there. It just takes time for everything in your being to get itself together. Give yourself time to get collected.

I know you'll do great no matter what happens. This is all temporary and only by letting go can any of us make any progress in our lives. Let your H go on his journey so you can focus on yours.

ETC

Thanks for being here etc. It's kind of late here, so not much I can do at the moment.

But...it's too late. Because I just can't his selfishness anymore. I walked to his bedroom and flipped the light on. He awoke with a start and said "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought this up so late"

I said "it's ok, it needed to be said".

Then I sat on the edge of his bed for a moment.

Here is what I said:

I think if you want this separation then you need to move out.

If this is the life you want to lead, then you must live it.

It pains me to see you destroying your family...all for your selfish needs.

Find someplace to move out.

He was looking down at his bed the whole time. very quietly I hear, "ok"

And you know what? I feel better, sure for the moment of the emotion, but in my heart it felt like the right thing to do.

Now I will go as seriously dark as I can.

I'm just tired of him, as they say here, having his cake and eating it too.

He needs to see what it is going to be like without all of his stuff. Maybe he will be happier and can move on without me.

I sincerely just want him to be happy again. But I can no longer support him.

I agree with ETC, do NOT make any decisions right now!!! You are upset and coming from a place of emotions. Give it some time for you to think on it.

We both know that if you give it some time, you'll probably feel differently. I agree with ETC that you gotta let him go, metaphorically....but, you need to be absolutely sure that you want him out of the house.

I am struggling with the EXACT same thing, sweetie!!! And it s*cks big time!!!! But, I KNOW you'd tell me to sleep on it and be sure!

I am SO sorry that this happened to you today.

Wow! You go girl! That was great how you did that. Lately, I've been trying to totally cool down before getting into a talk like that, but you did well. Basically, you laid down a boundary that said if H doesn't want to be M, then he needs to get out of the house. This is understandable. I think the plan of going dim (dark will be impossible with your S) is a good plan. Your PMA will definitely improve in time.
ETC

Oooops. Your stuff posted after mine did. So, I'm too late, too.

YOU are the only one who knows that YOU need to do. If you feel peace, then you did the right thing for YOU...and we will all support you in that.

I already did it Ang.

Gosh I wish I could drive over to your house right now. lol