Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Who is this woman & what has she done with my wife

Wow, thanks for all the quick responses!

Ok, so we have narrowed it down to two or more reasonable reactions. But mostly; Do not send pathetic email:

* The first plan; decline the invitation with an allusion to other plans already made. Throw in a "some other time, perhaps". Explain the decisions I made regarding S16's school issues. Ask what the other "business" she wants to talk about concerns. In my opinion, business matters are best handled in writing. Don't want to get in an argument. Don't want to discuss "business" or son's school plans at a pub.

* Second possible plan. Go meet her at the pub. Be charming, and personable. No game playing, which is not my style, or even necessary because I am a desirable, attractive, physically fit man with an active social life and plenty of interesting stuff going on in my life. Let her "catch up" in order to see that. Allow her to do most of the talking and get her fix. Keep the business talk to a minimum. She really wants this meeting in order to see me.

Something to consider; she just returned from 11 days out of town. She has not seen our kids in 13 days, but the first night she is home, she wants to go out for a beer with me. She will see the kids first tonight, but still ... I think this must mean something, but what to do about it is the big question.

Hi Thx!

Just keeping up with your sitch.

My H pursued D latter half of 2012 and I had opportunity and did both of your options, while D papers were sitting in the lawyer's office waiting to be signed by him.

The worst was when I would go and have a beer and then he would say something unexpected that I couldn't handle emotionally and I broke down. This had a very unpleasant ending.

Another time, two weeks before expected signing...it was very pleasant and jokey. Why? I had resigned myself to D, knew I wasn't going to be "best buds" afterwards, and knew I wanted a great R with him as ex's. We laughed about us getting D. I looked great and he said so. He even took pics of me which was uncommon.

So, I know you'll do your best either way. But it may be a little early to go and risk showing your hurt in front of her specially after having a couple of beers or if she says something you don't expect.

Just my two cents.

I would do plan 2, personally. But only if you are certain you can hold yourself.

Play it safe... send in a stunt double. If she's really in MLC she probably won't even notice.

Did you guys have much contact when she was away?

After 11 days apart I'd wanna meet up just to gauge where she's at. But yeah, you gotta be strong. You're the catch she's throwing away.

Lol! Lol!

Very wise, thought out decisions THX. And seems true to your self.

lol@FY - I'd like a stunt double to deal with my H! If only...:)

Good news! Brad Pitt is doubling for me. (Joking. It wouldn't work - I'm better looking than him - and a better actor.)

*********

Actually, I have had no contact with W in over two weeks, other than one email I sent informing her of S16's poor progress report from school. (S16 has ADD.)

I have a lot of patience as well as self control. Also, I am learning that I am a much stronger person than I realized before this krapfest started. I guarantee I would not break down, get weepy, say ILY or anything like that.

I might, however, be tempted to imply that I know she is on the pill, and having/had a PA with guy(s) from work. Yeah, I know that would be a bad idea, but it is driving me crazy to not confront her about stuff I know is going on.

I mean Hell, this whole thing svcks, my wife is having an affair, and I don't even get to let her know I am aware of it?

You can confront her if you want. How do you suppose that would play out?


Also, you better have proof if you do bring it up. But still, will this bring you the happy ending you so desire?

That's why the DB advice is to ignore it, and concentrate on the things you can control.

Yup, THIS ^^^^^, is what you need to hold yourself on.

The early stages were best dealt with this attitude:
-She is a friend with issues.

Try to re-frame it like that, though she is your wife, she is a free human being, free to make her own choices, good, bad and ugly.

My other two SOPs are:
-"Aloof,yet available"
-STFU (they "tell" you so much more when you do this).

Good luck!!

Ha! I'm doing plan #2 tonight. I'll let you know how it goes. I've reframed everything in my mind:

- My W no longer "loves" me and that's just fine. (not sure what "love" even means to hear nowadays, thus the quotes)
- I don't want a D, but she's free to move forward with that anytime and I certainly won't fight it. W is one of many options in life.
- I'm having a great life with or without W. W doesn't dictate my happiness
- Life is a great teacher and I'm going to learn something from all of this no matter what happens
- I can still have a great time with W even if we're no longer M. We were friends before we got M and I don't mind going back to that state, though she won't be my best bud anymore.

ETC