Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Who is this woman & what has she done with my wife

You sound very calm and rational discussing all this THX, I'm impressed!

You have to decide what you want first. What are your deal breakers? How much is your M worth to you? As you have learned, saving this could take years.

Realize the "talk" is her wanting to tell you she's (still) done.

Avoiding it when she is pushing for it will not help your cause.

Doesn't mean she'll actually go through with D though. Look how many of our sitchs drag on even after they've said they were done. Apparently we (and the M) weren't so bad after all.

Personally, I like to remain friends... until I'm done. Then the best buddies thing is done too. If your W wants to do things together, do it if that's what you would like too. Don't cut her off thinking you're teaching her a lesson. Just be your new self when you are with her. Let her SEE what she'll be giving up on.



Again, is this a deal breaker for you?

I'd tell my W there's no place for another man in our M, and then not bake her any cakes. That's new mans job.

bump

FY...that has GOT to be the funniest, yet accurate, response I have seen in a long time...lmAo!

And I agree with all the rest ^^^ !

ForeverYoung,

This OM thing is not a deal breaker for me. I realize that an affair goes with an MLC like jam goes on toast, and a PA might not last as long if I don't give a hot damn about it. Might even surprise her if I am somewhat indifferent. Of course that could backfire.

My sitch differs from yours since my wife moved out four months ago, and has also filed for D. If my W was still living with me there is no way I would tolerate an OM; so you and I are in great agreement there.
_______

Part of my ignoring her request for the "talk" is that I would have a very tough time being upbeat and charming right now. Another part is about preserving my own sanity by keeping some space and setting some boundaries. Boundary number one is if you file for divorce, I am not your buddy anymore. Tough love.

It also works as a 180 since it makes her pursue me for a change, since I don't plan to "talk" with her until she asks yet again. I do plan to respond next time, but I'll be pretty vague about when I might be willing to have this "talk". And so the goose must chase the fox for a turn.

It may be that the "talk" she wants to have means discussing terms of the divorce agreement. I am not ready to do that. Feeling much too raw right now, and I'm meeting my lawyer for the first time next Monday.

Anyone thinks this is a good/bad strategy, I'm happy to hear about it.

You are correct we are both in much different situations.

Your plan sounds good to me. I especially like this:



If I remember correctly, your wife, like mine, wants/expects to be best buddies after D. Ummm... sorry, but nope. You give that up if you end the M.

I actually had the opportunity to inform W of this on our 30th anniversary last June when she initiated a R talk. I basically said that if she demotes me from my position as H, I do not see us being best friends. She didn't like that. Since we have no kids, it would be easy for me to cut ties. Something else for her to consider before ending our M. Now if she could only figure out her stuff before I end it...

The svcky thing is how long this crap takes. Still, all the years we have in this is nothing to give up on easily, I figure.

T2, glad I made you laugh, my friend!

THX,

Like your plan, and I applaud it's togetherness, logic...but you did say you were an engineer if I remember correctly, so I get why it the way it is (I'm an engineer)...



Very wise here, and yeah, I got the opportunity to try it both ways (W has a 2 phase mlc going)...First time IC and I "got her to stop" in phase 1...but unanswered questions lingered, leading to phase 2, and phase 2 is much, much, much worse...this way is better, just let it be, imo.




Same here, and same reaction...but I did tell I would "always be cordial to her in front of the kids"...didn't like that either. Not sure why....

Ok, I know about the OM. She has not told me.

Question:
Do I mention I know about him, or wait for her to tell me?

She insists that she is not leaving for another man. That, "this D is not about that." Now that I know she is lying to me or to herself, should I bring it up?

As I write this, my W is at a Sports Bar watching a football game with her OM. She has not told me about him, does not know that i have found out, and denies that the D has anything do with another man.

I have a very strong urge to drive out and spy, or even to buy myself a beer and have a seat with them. Just to let her know that I know.

I am still on moderation on this site which seems absolutely insane, if not cruel. What do I need to do, improve my grammar?

I need support now. Not tomorrow morning.

Hi THX-

I know moderation is frustrating. It isn't permanent and has nothing to do with grammar and everything to do with following the rules that folks agreed to when registering.

Relative to DB board history, newbie moderation is new, and was born of necessity, we don't like it any more than you do.

Please be patient, it doesn't last long with a good posting history.

THX, realized that confronting her will piss her off and she will deny an A. (We're just friends, you jealous maniac!)

It will drive her to blame you for everything, and closer to OM.

Having said that, I understand the temptation to confront. If you're done, do this and prepare for what very well may be a bitter D.

Post often to get off moderation. Relax, you're gonna be ok.