Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My Wife is an Alien and its killing me...

Something I learned about dating a while back. Never put yourself in a vulnerable position when asking a girl out.

Back when I was dating, I was taught (by someone wiser than me) to phrase it like this:

"Hey, I am going to see a new show at the art gallery tomorrow night. Afterwards, I might eat some noodles at that funky place by the railroad. Would you like to come along?" It should be clearly implied that you are going either way, and if she doesn't want to go it will be her loss.

Then, if she says no, go alone, and have fun. This works for Getting A Life, and it makes you seem independent, stable, and interesting.

I'm in a bit of a spot with that scenario. With S10 and S12 in the house, my deciding to go somewhere and invite her along could be seen as "more of the same." Especially if I commit to going without her. I don't have the luxury of being that independent. If there is a date planned, I would have to arrange for the kids to go somewhere. A little more difficult, but I'm thinking through scenarios in which I could make it work.

Hard to be very positive today as last night was a step backwards. S10 and I were watching a movie and W decided she was interested for about 5 minutes then retreated to her room for the next 3 hours with her phone. I presume she was busy messaging her BFF or someone else. I was completely ignored when I turned in for bed as she continued to text/message and we both went to sleep without a word. She knows this pushes my buttons more than anything. Trying to push out negative thoughts today and act "as if" everything is rainbows and unicorns. I skipped my exercise last night as well, which contributes to ill feelings.

Worst part is, I'm not even sure I want to date her at this point. She has become one of those self absorbed narcissistic people that I cannot stand to be around. She has no regard for the people around her unless they are giving attention to her. This is so far from the selfless, giving person that she has always been. Do I need any more confirmation that she is in full blown MLC?

Side note:
I had a great talk with a close friend who just went through the same sitch with his W of 16 years about a year ago. Great therapy for us both to just talk and commiserate. They were separated for over 6 months. When I asked about the great moment when she finally owned up to her actions and took responsibility for her path of destruction, I saw a big strong man brought to tears. He recalled the night that she crawled up into his lap and cried for 2 hours because he had stood for her while she destroyed his life and their family with her actions. I was reminded that there is hope for us all.

That last part is some powerful stuff. I know personally that I have broken down more in the last two months than I did in the 30 years of my life prior to this. I truely wish you the best of luck in this. Living seperated from my W is very hard, but I think living with her still might be worse right now. My W is always on the phone texting who knows who and just opened up a face book account under her maiden name a few weeks ago. You must be strong to have to witness that all the time because it really bothers me.

Hi jfun

Stopping by our thread to catch up. It's a bee-yatch living in the same house with your spouse. You've seem my thread. The constant up down up down of emotions and reactions is bizarre for sure.

You seem remarkably grounded and strong. I know it's extremely difficult. My H doesn't seem to spit much venom, thank goodness, that must be even harder. But still he doesn't talk a lot either so it's hard to know what the heck is going on.

Keep up with the exercise, I know that has been my savior at times. You are doing well in a super tough sitch.

Terrible night. I come home after a football game at 1am. (My job). I'm dtanding beside the bed when the home phone rings at 1:10 am with OM on the line. Huge blow up and R talk. Everything from her leaving to "she's not in a MLC" to "I've checked your phone" to "you've been acting too happy lately" to "you are just trying to get closer to the kids so you can use them against me."

So much hateful venom that I can't even remember it all. I stand begore her and assure her that my changes are for me and my boys, not to impress her. Every positive change that I have made in the last 6 months was thrown up in my face as some sort of thing I was doing to get at her. I also set the boundary that if she must talk to OM it cannot be in our house because that is disrespectful.

So frustrating. I have tried so hard to be better for myself and my children and try to protect them from all of this. Every positive thing I've done is turned against me. I feel like ripping something apart or crawling in a hole right now. I'm trying not to give OM any energy but it's hard when he calls when I'm standing next to the phone at 1 in the morning.

Gonna be a long sleepless night for me...

I also took the opportunity to request that she help me around the house. I asked in a nonconfrontational manner. She said that she would do more around the house.

She just kept spitting at me that I was condescending and I was just better than her. I've been as supportive as humanly possible. She's accused me of telling all my friends because one if them won't talk to her now. She accused me of bring weird around her BFF. I calmly assured her that BFF and I probably didn't really know how to act with each other since BD. That was our problem. BFF and I have always gotten along famously until this.

Back to square one. Very bad night.

Ugh Jfun, I am so very sorry for all of this ugliness. She is seeing your very positive changes and thinks it is all for the evil side of it because that is where she lives, in the evil.

This will be extremely difficult but you have to stay positive and ignore her venom even more now.

I am so sorry, I feel your pain. I hope you were able to get some sleep.

My H still isn't home from last night, I didn't expect him to be.

Ouch, that's some tough stuff you're dealing with there, Mr J. I'm so sorry.

W see's your changes, and that's good. Saying it's too little too late, or that you're only doing it to spite her etc, is standard script. She feels bad about her life right now, and has to blame it all on you. You have to try to understand this from her shoes.

Keep in mind you weren't the perfect H either, and keep working on yourself.

Only time will convince her that your changes are real, and for you. Stay on course regarding your changes. Showing is better than telling. She'll be watching.

Show her that you accept and love her for who she is, even now. Don't try to change her. Hold to your boundaries, as this protects you and actually makes you more attractive. May the DB gods be with you sir!

If you ever wondered what this is about, this is a huge clue and it's not you. My ex was similar like that. Reminded me of Edgar Allen Poe's 'Telltale heart'. She once accused me of stomping around the kitchen to get her attention. LOL.

Basically, FY is right on. Keeping things in perspective, you must do the things you need to do for YOU. It's on her to accept those changes and figure herself out. She's mad because you are doing so well and she feels like hammered horsesh*t. She notices. You are a bright light. And her world is dark and dreary and depressed.

Her anger may be directed at you, but it's not about you. She knows what she is doing is wrong. She is looking for a reason to explain it and you're not giving it to her. Watch that. They have a way of making stuff up, so don't give her a reason or even a partial reason she can use to jump to a conclusion. It's a time thing. The longer you do you so well, the more she has to look at herself. And that's a good thing.

I suggest you follow FY's advice and accept her as she is, even now. Don't give in on your boundaries, but be careful how you choose them - be sure you're willing to "die on that hill" to protect the boundary you set before you communicate it.

And she will continue to watch. I know mine did to the point she couldn't take it any longer and left (twice, but that's a different story for another time.) I know it still bothers her even now, years later as she continues to process her actions. Her issue then, and her issue now.

My IC once told me something interesting. She said I'd be long done and gone before my ex would be done. I may never know when she was finally "done". But from what I've seen, my IC was spot on the whole time. It just took me time to get my perspective back after the BD.

Last night's blowup? That was yesterday. It's her issue, and you caught her at it. She's not happy about being caught and she'll fight it and blame etc. Is what it is, but it's not about you.

One way or another, it all works out and you'll be glad for the changes you make for you. You'll be glad you tried to make things work and were the man you are now. Give her the safety, time and space to figure herself out. And live your life the way you want to live it - time is something you can't get back.


Peace,
AJ

I cannot tell you all how great it is to have positive support today. This community is awesome! I have felt so great about myself for the last month or more. Lady night was a great night for me until 1am and everything blew up again. I wonder if it would just be easier to not be here. I wonder if it would be easier for her if I wasn't here. I refuse to give her a blank check to ruin our family. I have told myself that I wouldn't leave my kids and I would stand and fight. I will not leave my family, no matter how painful it is to be here.

The hill that I am willing to die on is my belief in the sanctity of marriage and the importance of having a mother and father for children. I see teenage kids every day with broken families and I cannot stand it. Our children get the idea that relationships are disposable. It makes me sick.

As far as DBing, if W is no better than she was 6 months ago, should I shift gears and try another tactic? She is noticing my changes, but I certainly am not getting the desired reaction from her. MWD suggests trying something different.

May be time for me to go dark in my own house... Being cordial and not pursuing has given her the space to continue her EA with OM. I'm very lost today.