Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis You'll think of me....

Especially since Oct 2 was almost 3 weeks ago!

Sounds like they are both deep in a hole.

Shove them back in and let them do some more baking they are not ready to come out yet.

Thanks everyone for your input in this difficult time. My H just came down to talk to me, and looked like he was reading this over my shoulder. Uh oh. Busted. Actually I'm not sure of how much of the screen he could read as he needs new glasses.

Job "He's not ready to see her and his situation for what it is...oh, I do agree that if given the chance, she'll take him for everything and most likely leave him in debt. I can't even imagine wanting to leave a nice home and spouse to begin a new w/this type of person and someone he's hardly known...but they do it all of the time."

This makes me feel so sad Job. My poor H is so confused and is in so much pain, it breaks my heart. I love him and would miss him horribly, but would say goodbye and wish him well in this new life if being married to RT would really make him happy. But it won't, their "love" is based on lies and deception, and it appears that some part of him knows it.

I tried explaining to him (useless effort right?) that he is infatuated, and asked him to remember how he felt about EA1 and all the short EAs he had. He added a couple of names I'd forgotten about, and agreed they were infatuations, and said that he loves that "in love, getting to know you" feeling. But this time it's different. You're right Job, he's not ready to see her or the situation for what it is.

Bright "Sure, he was feeding her the negative stuff about you, no wonder she doesn't understand why he has such a hard time making a decision. "

This is so stupid Bright, but I find myself wanting to defend myself to RT. To list all of the lies H has told her about me, our relationship, and himself, including his financial situation and his previous relationships. Our love, our fabulous intimate relationship (well, up until BD2), all the fun and trips and joy over the past 38 years. But, since I don't really believe that she loves him, I believe she tolerates him because she is keeping the prize in mind, it probably wouldn't mean a darned thing to her.

In fact H suggested that RT and I should have "a talk." I don't know if he thinks RT would straighten me out, that I would extricate him from this situation, or if he just likes the thought of two women fighting over him.

Bright "I am with you on this one. I was the main breadwinner for a number of years, and if not for my income we would not have the vacation home. And now H wants to live there with some Mexican girl, telling her that his marriage was over long time ago. Really, I guess he just put such a brilliant act to keep me believing that we had a future and common dreams
together."

Someone said not long ago that these MLCers deserve Oscars for the fabulous acting job they did during their entire married lives, pretending to love their spouse, pretending to have a future and common dreams.

Maybe it's that breadwinner thing that has gotten to our Hs. Although RT would have to be the breadwinner in her marriage if she is stupid enough to marry my H. I wonder how that fact would sit with her?

Thanks for this very thoughtful and comprehensive reply Ellie. "1) Number one is taking care of yourself.... You may or may not decide you want him if and when he wakes up, he's leaving a mighty big trail of damage that he would have to work hard to repair. But right now you don't need to worry about that - you just need to worry about making YOUR life interesting and exciting for YOU."

I guess this option is the essence of DBing, but it's been 4 years and I don't completely have the hang of it yet. But I'm learning. A couple more kicks in the teeth like this and I should be good and detached. Done, maybe.

2) Number two is looking after him. After all, even if you decided you never wanted to see him again, he has been your spouse of all these years and I know you really don't want to see him taken advantage of and ruined by RT, even if you do end up divorced. Dragging things out may take care of this on their own, as she may grow tired of waiting for this particular gravy train, or one of her other suitors may come through. He is reaching out a little bit through the fog, and you have to be careful how you word things, so as not to provoke a response in defense of RT - but you do need to plant the seed in his brain, that she doesn't have his best interests at heart, and that she will take him for all his money and leave him. Some small rational part of his brain must be left that thinks this himself. You might suggest that marriage counseling would be wise before leaving a 38 year marriage (I'd love to hear what a counselor would say about RT).

Or - you could take the aikido approach - roll with your opponent in order to throw him - start showing H a spreadsheet with the financial reality of his choice, show him the citation which shows that he won't have enough income to sponsor RT's green card, offer to "help" him get better employment so he can make enough money for RT (which, of course, lets you off the hook for some of that alimony, nicely).

The aikido isn't necessary. He already knows that he does not have the income necessary to sponsor a green card.

The problem as I see it is that RT doesn't know. H says that he confessed that he is not able to work, and that RT called him some rude Russian name meaning a man who lets a woman support him. He says she then came up with this new plan to start drawing on his IRA. But the INS would not consider the IRA income, because it could disappear in one fell swoop of the stock market. But he says he did not tell her.

I asked him to go to marriage counseling with me, but he refuses. If he seems to be taking steps towards D, I will ask again. I'm all for dragging it out, and refuse to file myself. If he wants it, let him do it.

3) You have to let go - you do the best you can to protect him from her, but in the end, he's an adult and you can't always protect him from himself. He may just need to have this terrible experience and it may not be in your power to prevent it. And you may find it remarkably freeing to live a life where you only have to worry about YOU."

I guess it might come to this. I think it WOULD be a terrible experience. It's just that he's so sick Ellie, you understand. Between his lymes and MLC he's a mess. He was just making an appointment to see his surgeon about his hernia, and could not remember when he had his parathyroid adenoma removed, and did not remember having a CT scan of his belly a few months ago.

But you're right, he is an adult and needs to make his own decisions and mistakes in life. I do love him so much, but he already has one mom.

DMR "Bright and kml broke it down and covered everything so well, I'll just say ditto to all that. From the outside, it looks like such an obvious scam to get over here. Marry a friend to be with him? Geez, bad movie plot right there! Did you ever see the old Eddie Murphy comedy bit about the mail order bride? As soon as she gets here.... "Half [expletive deleted]. Half!!!" Hope he figures it out before total ruin. But you know you hav to focus on you no matter what!"

No I never saw that comedy bit, DMR, I'll have to youtube it! I could use some cheering up, thanks. Thanks for your good wishes.

Rose "Great song Linda. Detach and become strong in yourself. We'll do it together :)"

Thanks my friend, I do need help, thanks. We CAN do it together!

Heather "Why October 2nd? I just think setting a date like that is weird. And, why not Oct. 1???? "

Complicated "I agree, that is a weird date....I have to believe that someday your H is going to "wake up" and wonder how in the he!! he could have ever gotten caught up in RT's web. "

Well I thought about this, and October 2nd was the day he returned from Moscow. So RT demanded that he tell me that he is divorcing me before he got home. I was wondering why he stopped emailing me every day, sometimes several times a day, a week and a half before he returned. He told me it was because he had gotten his tooth extracted, and was sick in bed the whole time. But maybe it was because he had decided to divorce me and marry her.

I am so grateful that he did not send me an email me informing me of this fact. I bet she was on his back about it, poor guy. This is so unreal to me. I still cannot get my head around the fact that he is thinking about marrying this woman. I hope and pray that you are right Complicated, and that he does wake up. And that it does not take marriage to the Tramp to get him to that place.

Complicated "I posted to you on my thread but hopefully MIL comes through for you. I'm curious now that you said H was all happy when he came back. How has he acted toward you?

I'm like you in that I'm still standing after a few years just hoping they see just how unbelievable all of this is. I'm hoping and praying for you RL that your H at least can see that RT is up to no good and to let that deadline come and go.
Hang in there RL! You are doing much better at detaching. Much better than I am!!"

I called my MIL this morning. I told her H told me that he is thinking of leaving me and marrying that tramp. I did not ask her to break his confidence nor did I ask her what she advised him to do. She said that she is H's mom and cannot talk about him with me. She always says that, then proceeds to tell me exactly what she thinks.

She said that H is very confused and that he cannot see that this woman is trying to use him. She said that if he starts drawing on his IRA, he will take a big financial hit in taxes, as he is only 60, and also that half of that money belongs to me. She said that half of the proceeds from selling the house would go to me. She advised me to let him do all the work and file for D if that is what he decides to do. I told her I don't think he's up to it, and that he told me the only way he was able to go to Moscow is that RT made all the arrangements.

I told her that H does not even seem to like RT and told me that he does not trust RT. She said that H wants someone who will boss him around and tell him what to do, and I am too laid back for him. I started crying and she said that I'm so negative. Then she said that she cannot tell either one of us what to do. But knowing her, she told him exactly what she thinks. But I still have no clue.

Complicated "Hope the eyes are doing better each day and H is being good to you!"

My right eye is great thanks. My left eye is still blurry but with reading glasses I can see pretty well to read and things far away are clear enough to make out, thanks for asking. No pain anymore. But I still have to go to the eye surgeon once a week.

And H is being fine. He is acting strangely normal, his old friendly talkative self. Right now he is at Lowes to buy some more fencing, so he can complete the fence he started putting up this summer. And he is talking about replacing the living room flooring again. And says he still plans to sell his piano, even though it is "the only thing he missed while he was in Russia." Sigh......

Nero "it sounds like you were supportive but standing your position - the detach thing is a wierd one. i'd think you both feel glad and sad about it- every time i notice i'm not actively "bleeding" - i feel a little sad that i'm becoming "hardened" about it- and wonder if, at the end of the day, i will want to know this man anymore. that's a sad thought totally- but it also makes me realioze at some point our self-preservation kicks in i guess- and we take outselves out of the line of fire .

i notice you're still feeling like hopeful about him - maybe getting to some better place in his head and all. i hope so- i find it hard to totally let go of hope too. it's a wierd thing also- this part of one's personality that keeps you and me "invested" , however small a bit, in this long long part of our lives. i think it's just our age (congrats on birthday by the way) and our dashed "plan" in life - well, expectation i guess. i thought the same things as you- at this age we'd be free and having a great time..."

I missed you Nero, and am so glad you had a nice trip with your H. Sorry about the lack of S-E-X I would even appreciate one of those <pat><pat> hugs right about now.

Yes, I do still feel hopeful. I am not sure if I am delusional or if I am having a Pollyanna moment (a Pollyanna 4 years?) but I DO still feel hopeful about my marriage. My H said a lot of things that really made me think he might be starting to peek out of the tunnel. But sometimes I just feel so sad and worn down.

rH "Wow, RL, I read your post and some of the replies. I'm astounded too at the vibrator comment. Never heard of that being unfaithful. Inclined to LMAO too!

You've got some great advice up there from other posters. Just wanted you to know I read where you're at and think you're so sweet and kind. Hopefully H will wake up soon. Is there chemical imbalance in his brain? Have you already discussed this?"

The worst thing about the "unfaithful" comment is that H gave the darned thing to me, rH. H is pretty sick physically, besides being struck down by MLC He has neurological lymes disease, and that makes him slightly nuts, as well as a bunch of other physical problems. So he could have a chemical imbalance. The problem is that he needs to take him antibiotics to keep the lymes under control, and he hates taking them. And RT does nto believe in antibiotics, and so he follows her advice instead of his doctor's.

Thanks for your kind words. I keep trying to think positively about things, and thinking about your sitch helps, but sometimes this is all too much for me. I read what you wrote about your H being lonely in his apartment, and that is what helped him to realize what he lost. But that won't help those of us whose spouses are still at home.

But I'm still standing (yeah yeah yeah) and am more detached and still am sane so that's something. I still trust in the process. And am hoping that all of us are where you are now soon rH.

Hi RosaLinda... just following along. Unbelievable the amount of time this takes. I am struggling with patience too.

UGHHHHHHH....

((HUGS)) Magic!

I think I can speak for all the H's here when I say I hope my W is only "cheating" on me with a vibrator. LOL!!!

H is trying to pin the blame on you, Rosa. Don't accept it! (well, not all of it anyway)

Good morning all! Thanks for your constant friendship and support. I have had sort of an epiphany about my H, and would be interested in hearing your opinions. I think it's due to really starting to detach, to step back and observe his words and actions without letting them affect me and rip my heart out.

Yesterday afternoon, I went up to tell H I was leaving to go to the eye surgeon. He was skyping and doing a search for apartments at the same time. The top of the page said Trulia $1200 - $1800. I figured that H was looking for apartments, and was sending the listings to RT on skype.

After the R talk last week, then going in to talk to his mom this weekend, and now looking at apartments together - I felt that he had really decided to move forward with the D, and just hadn't gotten the courage up to tell me yet.

I decided to look online when I got home to see where this town Trulia is that he and RT plan to move to, it sounded Spanish or Italian to me. H had told me he thought that RT would willing to immigrate to Spain with him. But when I got home, I talked to Alba Marie about it, and learned that Trulia is the apartment search website, not the town, and that it only lists apartments in the USA, not internationally.

Then it struck me - my H may be in a MLC, but he is playing a game of pretend, and knows it. He may delusional about many things regarding our marriage and his relationship with RT, but is aware of the cold hard facts. He knows RT cannot get an immigration visa to the US, not even if they got married. He knows he cannot afford to rent an apartment for $1200.

So my conclusion is that my H is playing a game of pretend. He knows damned well that he is not going to leave me, but for some nefarious reason is pretending that he plans to leave me and to marry RT. He does not want to lose me and his home and family, and he does not want to lose his OW. Cake eating. I was right when, during our R talk last week, I said that RT is the same as all of his other EAs, that she will give up and be gone in time. And he was telling me the truth when he said that he does not understand why all these Russian women take his flirting so seriously.

If this is true, then it helps me detach even more, and also helps me stand. Because my REAL H would not do something so mean to RT, and to me. (not that RT doesn't deserve everything she gets, but in my heart I feel sorry for her. She is just trying to escape her miserable life, and I pray she finds an unmarried man of her own.) So I figure if I can wait this out, H will eventually wake up and wise up. I decided to stick to my boundary though - H is out of our home if he goes on any more conjugal visits with RT, and also, after RT is history, there will be no more OW.

So, what do you all think? Is my reasoning faulty? Am I giving too much credit for thinking, underhanded or otherwise, to my MLCer?

How are you going to enforce this boundary?

And why are you waiting until she is gone?

Hi Cadet. I told my H that if he goes away with RT again, or if he gets another OW after she is gone, he has to leave our house and not return, and that is how I will enforce these boundaries. He said that I cannot stop him from having friends. Well, there are friends, and there are OW, and he knows the difference.

I am waiting until RT leaves because of my DB coach's advice and because of something I read in Divorce Remedy: "It is very important to give your husband space. He needs time to think, feel and experiment, even if part of the experimentation involves another woman....There may not be much that you can do right now to make things better, but there are a ton of things you can do to make things worse, like interrogation and issuing demands....."

I love him. I know that he is cake eating and has a great set up to live like his selfish self right now, but I am doing my best by him. To give him time to get over this MLC, and to support him in his sickness. Maybe this is putting his needs before mine, but I get a lot in return from him living in our home. Besides his friendship and caring, he does a lot around the house. It's like having a wife who also fixes the car and cleans the boiler. So I have decided to give him time to get over RT. I really think I'm right, and he is leading her on. And it will be over when she gets tired of his lies and tired of waiting. I can wait her out. That is my choice right now, and I think it will get easier as I get more detached.

AGREED!

thanks! how are you?

Hi RL,

What your H is doing brought to mind something that my W told me on our anniversary "date" and her choice of movie (the choice was a feel-good middle aged type movie, or a fantasy epic type)...that she was "not into reality right now, I am into fantasy". She said as much a couple other times since then. And it kind of fits in with her online OM thing (wherever that is at these days).

So, you may be on to something, and it's as good a working theory as any with these mlc'ers...

Hang in there!!