Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My Wife is an Alien and its killing me...

Thanks indigo. I feel for anyone in this situation. The feeling of rejection every day from a woman that I have given 20 years of my life to is the hardest thing. The anger about her online EAs is fading and I can find the strength to forget and understand her confusion. The hurt of rejection is harder. Even when we have nights where she is friendly, there is zero hint of intimacy or love. We have never really been ones to fight and scream. We have had our differences, but have always acted as adults. What I wouldn't give for a hug.

W and I have zero intimacy too, for almost two years now. Yet she is still here. Why? Must be something there, even if it's just confusion.

My W left this morning on a 4 night vacation with my sister. Sister hugged me goodbye, so I then hugged W goodbye. First hug in many many months. It felt like nothing.

That is the worst part for me. I am a major physical touch person. I live for hugs, sitting together, subtle touches, etc. What really eats at me is that she will hug others in my presence. I have seen her be more affectionate with plenty of friends male and female than she has been with me in 10 years. I know she will not leave. She loves the house and she would never leave her children. She has told me that. I have invited her to leave if she is that unhappy, but I know she will not do it. Just as MWD says in DB and DR, single women cannot enjoy the same lifestyle and W knows it. She continues to say that she doesn't know how I can continue to live with someone that doesn't love me. There are lots of things that she doesn't understand at this point. She is so confused. I truly feel for her in her fog, but I will not let it dictate my every move. Rambling now.

Roller Coaster does continue. Great day at home with the family yesterday. Grilled steaks, watched football. Standard American Sunday afternoon. Strangely enough W decided she was interested in the games that me and the boys were watching. Asking questions and acting like she was interested. It's been years since she showed any interest in sports on TV. Used to be something that we enjoyed a lot. That was the ups for the day.

Down of the ride was when W and S12 have an argument and somehow I wind up being the one that gets the venom spit at me. W says to me that she is always the B#@ch with him and he just loves Daddy because he plays ball with him all the time. Spits venom at me because I have gone to great lengths to try to improve my relationship with both my sons since this crazy ride began.

I used my best DB techniques and exercised control. A situation that would have been a fight in the past became me being understanding and telling her I was sorry that it seemed that way to her. I also had a nice talk with S12 about being nicer to Mom because her feelings were hurt. My supportive nature caught her off guard as she anticipated a fight. She just retreated and really didn't know what to do.

So as I see it, one of W's greatest complaints during the Bomb dropping was that she was like a single mother and I was never there and was very distant from our kids. Now that I have realized my mistake and have taken initiative to correct this situation W resents it because my boys love me being around and involved. Lose/Lose. Guess that's the story of LBS in this roller coaster that is the MLC.

I can relate to this as well. W commented on how its nice to see me being a real father to my D during this. If I'm off I take her by myself all day which is something I never did before. Mostly because if I was off we would do stuff together or W would take D and I would play golf or something. I was not as supportive as I should have been thats for sure. I feel alot more connected with my D now having spent alot of alone time with her.

Great job avoiding the argument with your W. That probably really threw her off.

Weird couple of days. W has been very cold in actions and words. I usually leave for work before her every morning. Have stopped saying ILY and kissing her cheek because I know it makes her feel bad. Still tell her goodbye and to have a good day. Cordial. She left first this morning and didn't say a word. Have sent 2 texts today about S12's game that I have to miss today. Have received immediate 1 word responses both times. I just want my loving beautiful woman back. Days like this make the anger and resentment for her transgressions creep back in. Have to fight hard to keep those dark shadows of negativity from clouding my purpose.

That's normal behavior for them JF. They can't have us thinking they're getting close to us when they're not feeling it. You have to mirror her coolness, (no pressure) but in a pleasant manner.

I'm glad you stopped the ILY's and cheek kisses. Things will get better, but not for a while.

Some of my W's common greetings:

"Hey"
'grunt"

I still say "Hello" "Good morning" etc.
She always goes to bed w/o a word.

Many emails are responded to with "k"

You have to find your own happiness right now. No counting on W to meet your needs/wants. The good news is you can do this.

JFun,
Your sitch sounds really tough - a lot like FY's sitch. You both have to deal with this MLC stuff every day.

In contrast, my wife moved out five months ago. In some ways, this made things easier, because I am never walking on eggshells in my own house.

I am the master of my domain. I have the luxury of deciding when and if I see my wife at all. And when I do see her, she is happy to see me. She hugs me.

On the other hand, she filed for D, so it becomes more and more likely that she's never coming back. Which makes me sad a lot of the time. And lonely.

**********

So, it is tough for me to try and help you. But what do you think about trying a 180.

Have you two been out on real date lately?

Why not try something totally new, something that you have never done before? Go out to breakfast (without kids) and then to the art museum. Or go to a weird old foreign movie and eat after at an all-nite diner. Anything that is outside of your typical comfort level. An art gallery, and a then a cocktail at a hipster bar.

Something you can observe together that is outside of your normal existence will give you something neutral to talk about. It might also make her think there is something to you she doesn't know about yet...

Love the advice THX. I actually was writing down goals last night while reading DR and one of my short term goals was for us to date each other again. We have an art gallery in town that shows old classic movies in a small theatre for free twice a month. Thought we might could do that. Maybe I'm on the right track after all.

Tough being in the same house. I hafta see her constantly. Giving her space to work things out would be easier if we were apart. I don't wish that, though. It's one step closer to divorce.

As far as the dating, it just depends on where your W is regarding the M. I wouldn't suggest initiating any "dating" unless she does. If she's not up for it, it won't be fun or beneficial in any way. Just more of that tough uncomfortable feeling together, confirming in her mind why she's "done".

If SHE enjoys going out with you, then by all means do it. Build on your connection.



Agreed on both counts. Living together can be tough at times, but it also prevents total disconnection. Notice that when a spouse who moved out comes home, it's always viewed as a positive step.

My W is often cool and distant to me, but has slept in our house every night. That means a lot to me.