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It's just not the same though is it. I'm bored of even looking at my 'box of tricks'

I've just spoken to my counsellor again and calmed down a bit. I'm seriously down at the minute and feel like I'm struggling to keep this brave face on. I truly deserve an Oscar for today's performance. Minus crying in a supermarket......oh the shame.

Oh man, the first few weeks I was a blubbering mess. One day at work, I went into the walk-in cooler and just burst into tears while I was getting pickles. Luckily, no one else came in, and I quietly composed myself. But, yeah...I was a mess. I found it helped me when I kind of buried myself in something comfortable and familiar for a little while. As an example, I was feeling particularly down one evening during those first few weeks, so I sat down and watched "Murder She Wrote" on Netflix for about 3 and a half hours. Not because I was ever particularly a fan of that show, but because Angela Lansbury reminds me so much of my grandma. It sounds strange, but it really did help pull me out of my funk.

Forgot to mention, he had his wedding ring back on, and called me baby again. Both need noting. As does the fact I didn't get too excited. Maybe I'm detaching?

That's good, CC - baby steps!

Yeah I only seem to want to cry when I'm alone but in public. It's horrible. If I'm at home I can't cry but the minute I'm somewhere were people will think I'm insane, I want to cry. Aaaaaaahhhhhhh

He's just text me thanking me for a 'nice afternoon with the girls'. I think I'll text him back in the morning, I don't need to be too available.

Remind me why I love this man again???

CC,

It gets better. Its the phrase you will see a lot, fake it til you make it. It gets easier as you practice a PMA. Before my sitch I started trying to have a PMA to be happier in life. I set a smile reminder in my Outlook calendar. I would stop and think of something to make me smile, just for a second. Your brain releases chemicals when you genuinely smile, so you can force your body to work for you. Eventually you won't need the reminder and will just be happier in general.

Keep up the good work.

Ok happy reminder will be set tomorrow.

This evening has seen a backslide like no other.....

My H came to look after the kids while I went singing. He turned up with my laptop that he's been using for work. I needed to print something so plugged it in. That's when I found he's wiped it. All documents all pictures gone. 6 years of kids pictures gone.

I cried like I've never cried before. Hugged my 6 year old sobbing.....I don't cry. Realising I was upsetting the kids, I composed myself and went to a friends for advice.....and to cry more. Thankfully a computer tech took the laptop right away and is looking into retrieving the data. But I was also upset that whatever he was hiding was important enough to delete everything.

I asked him calmly what he was hiding, when he said nothing, I told him I thought he should leave. He got aggressive, so I asked him not to and told him I'd get the kids to say good night. They were so upset but I had to set a boundary.

I'm devastated. I'll cobble together pictures from various sources but I'll never be able to understand how anyone could do something so hurtful and deceitful.

I'm not looking forward to the computer tech retrieving whatever he was hiding. I'm shaking at the thought.

Did you ask him why he deleted everything?

He was 'fixing' it. I don't believe a word he says.