Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife moved out, won't come back home

OK, update. Had another joint therapy session yesterday AM.

I sat close gently rubbing my W's back & generally let the flow occur between her & counselor, which to me seemed a bit topical, but I bit my lip. I've been working on trying to understand how women communicate & relate & see the world. Very different from us guys! We just want to fix things. Counselor said she sees progress, and while W was in the restroom expressed frustration at the slow going. I was told to be patient and patient with myself.

We had a great date that evening & I really focused on listening to her without trying to offer solutions. Just listening. Date ended with the best make-out session to date; I felt like a teenager.

I also told her to go shopping on my dime. She said she needed a pair of boots, and she felt bad because the pair she really liked were expensive. I enjoyed the texts and pictures of her trying boots on, while I did research on Michael Kors. In the end,I told her to buy them and I felt really good to see her happy.

We went out for drinks and a movie tonight & had a fantastic time. I've really taken her for granted and I'm discovering again why I fell in love with her.

I'm simply enjoying the time with her trying to listen, and see that she is happy, which in turn has made me happy.

I feel like we are slowly reconnecting and that feels wonderful.

OK, I did leave with her panties after the movie (Captain Phillips - Tom Hanks did a great job), but I had her consent to do so.

I'm going away this weekend to a dirtbike school, but I will take my relationship books with me. She is coming by the house to spend time with the animals. I am going to give her a gift card to her favorite store as a thank you and an expression of gratitude. I have been too selfish for too long.

And thanks to those whose wise and sometimes painful words of wisdom serve as a lighthouse of hope.

Blasting her with negative legal info would have been more of the same, my passive-aggressive toddler behavior that always backfires. I'm so glad I sat on those thoughts a while & finally put them to rest in the garbage pail where they belong.

My underlying fear is that if/when she comes home, what if I revert back to 'normal' behavior and start taking her for granted again/returning back to the place we were; two room-mates living unhappily together. I don't want that to happen, so maybe with sticking with therapy this time (as opposed to stopping when things seem 'ok') we can make it long term by working through issues and building a solid, healthy foundation. It takes work, commitment and growing-up, and I'm kind of scared, but I think she's worth it.

I am sure she is! To be sure you don't slip back into the old you takes time, practice and a true desire to be different. It sounds like you have the desire so the next step is to figure out why you did some of the things you did.

Why did you have multiple As? What do you need from your W in order to be content? What did/does she complain about the most in regards to your behavior in the M? How can you fix this?

Dj,

Wow, you are something else.

I simply can’t understand why on earth your W is wondering if she wants to stay in this marriage…

NOT…

From reading your threads, I see a man who simply can’t be happy without a woman in his life. And I don’t even think that makes you very happy most of the time.

Why do you need that external validation?




You found a new girlfriend and moved her in 1 month after separating from your first W. I assume your “saving grace” is the W you are currently married to…





So you weren’t getting the attention you needed and threatened to get it elsewhere. Because attention from a woman makes you feel better?

Why shouldn't she have believed you since you did it in the past.

Can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing she did.




Four years ago you weren’t drinking…

What happened to that?



She is correct.

You have a pattern of not changing and repeating your old behaviors.



I see your stinkin thinkin is still intact.

Yes, anytime you force someone into physical affection, it is tantamount to molestation.

Borderline abuse if it continues.

It is unattractive in any man. Just as this type of thinking is unattractive.

While none of them have said it because they are too selfaware to be bothered by the comments, I have to say I am highly offended for the men on this board.

None of the posters who have been here a while and have actually worked on themselves lack the selfconfidence and direction you accuse them of.

They are very attractive because they have self control, kindness, and a lack of arrogance.

Projection is a dangerous thing…

If things are progressing with your W as you feel they are, I hope you actually take the time to work on your issues…

Self confidence, self value, your obvious issue with alcohol, and your seemingly undervaluation of a woman as a person, with a brain and feelings, and not some feeble minded thing who NEEDS a man to be whole, regardless of how he treats her or views her…

Personally, I think she is giving you one last shot to really be different and that is more than you would get from a lot of the women here…
_________________________

"Counselor said she sees progress, and while W was in the restroom expressed frustration at the slow going."

Who was frustrated? You or your C?

I'm glad you are seeing positives, HOWEVER, I sincerely hope you're serious about making these a life change (listening and connecting with your W) and not just superficial ones to get into her pants. Would you still be doing the same if you didn't think you'd get any sex?

Still around? How's it going?