ssmguy, what about having hand jobs re-instated. This way she doesn't have to feel "violated", and she can show you she simply does not want to spend any time on your physical pleasure, it's not important to her...
Way too little too late. I'm interested in adventure, role play, imagination, fantasy, erotic communication. Having just this one very limited activity as the only likely sexual activity for the rest of my life is really absurd to even contemplate. At this time, the best solution for me is friends with benefits.
ssmguy, what about having hand jobs re-instated. This way she doesn't have to feel "violated", and she can show you she simply does not want to spend any time on your physical pleasure, it's not important to her...
Way too little too late. I'm interested in adventure, role play, imagination, fantasy, erotic communication. Having just this one very limited activity as the only likely sexual activity for the rest of my life is really absurd to even contemplate. At this time, the best solution for me is friends with benefits.
It is a limited situation to allow for HJ's. But it would also show that she is completely willing to do anything, even if it doesn't violate her. If she is willing to do this it is a step in the right direction.
ssmguy, what about having hand jobs re-instated. This way she doesn't have to feel "violated", and she can show you she simply does not want to spend any time on your physical pleasure, it's not important to her...
Way too little too late. I'm interested in adventure, role play, imagination, fantasy, erotic communication. Having just this one very limited activity as the only likely sexual activity for the rest of my life is really absurd to even contemplate. At this time, the best solution for me is friends with benefits.
It is a limited situation to allow for HJ's. But it would also show that she is completely willing to do anything, even if it doesn't violate her. If she is willing to do this it is a step in the right direction.
"it would also show that she is completely willing to do anything, even if it doesn't 'violate' her"
should read:
[/bold]"it would also show that she is completely UNwilling to do anything, even if it doesn't 'violate' her" [/bold]
you've come here for help. Everything we have offered has been shot down or reasoned away.
I'm sending a 2x4 .
You say you are looking for ways to ignite your wife. She is willing to do this...it IS a step.
Take it for what it is, a gift of love. It seems as though no matter WHAT she does or doesn't do, you are not satisfied.
If that is the case what is the point for her to even try? You know she too can pick up on your attitude, and I'm feeling one here.
You have vented you want all these things sexually , you can't have it with her, so now you want to go outside the marriage. Do you ever think that she has been so turned off by you, that she feels she can't win?
Do you ever think that your attitude IS a contribution to this whole situation?
If you haven't , wake up! You ARE 50% of this situation! Whether you believe it or not!
I've been in her shoes, not as far but pretty darn close. My husband had NO clue. Still doesn't in my opinion.
It is very intimidating to have someone as needy in this department . And she may be perceiving you as needy here. Whether you have discussed this or not lately, there IS a huge amount of pressure on her. Because she knows you want this, need this, and she doesn't know what to do about it.
What have you done to make yourself more attractive to her? What have you done to make her feel safe? How long have you done these things? How long have you stuck with your changes?
Formerly Workinprogress H :55 M :over 29 yrs. Together : 33 D : college D : adult BD and left : May 2013 Separated Experimenting/Replay
This isn't ssmguy's thread and I don't necessarily think he solicits help, I think he's here for the discussion.
In the spirit of discussion, I think Ambivalent's post is a great list of things to think about so I'm going to jump in!
Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
Take it for what it is, a gift of love. It seems as though no matter WHAT she does or doesn't do, you are not satisfied.
I will jump over the fence here and argue the other side. This does seem to be an SSM theme, that the LD partner believes the HD partner cannot be satisfied, so what's the point in trying? i.e. if I give a little, there will be another ask behind it, and then another ask behind that one, and I'll never see an end to it. Who wants to jump in that hamster wheel?
From my perspective, this is a trap that grabs and holds marriages and rarely releases them, where you have one dissatisfied partner, and one partner who feels inadequate.
That's a tinderbox waiting for a spark -- either the dissatisfied partner leaves to have their needs met, or the inadequate feeling partner leaves for validation from someone else.
I've spent quite a bit of time on this dilemma -- asking the dissatisfied partner to lower their expectations or give up their needs is hopeless. That might work for a little while, but generally they're just kidding themselves. Asking the inadequate partner to step up to what the dissatisfied partner wants also seems to be a non-starter because there is too much fear and frustration there.
The *only* way I've seen out of this is compromise, where the two people have to work together to figure out a way where the dissatisfied partner can have their needs met truly and completely in a way that does not feel like a hamster wheel or violate who the inadequate partner feels they are.
That may involve looking at *why* you want what you want, and seeing if there is an alternate way to have those needs met, and the inadequate feeling partner needs to be willing to step up and give compromise a try.
I feel this is where many marriages meet their doom is that the inadequate feeling partner simply will not step up at all and instead digs in and becomes recalcitrant.
The unmet needs therefore deepen the dissatisfied partner's "needs deficit" and raises the bar. If at one point they would have been satisfied with twice weekly sex, they now want to have a trapeze and a unicycle involved because they are so repressed, which makes the wall even higher for the reluctant partner to climb over.
Therefore, I don't see that returning to HJ's is going to solve anything, I don't think his wife is going to want to give them, and I don't think ssmguy will be satisfied by them in any kind of convincing way.
Originally Posted By: Ambivalent
Because she knows you want this, need this, and she doesn't know what to do about it.
What have you done to make yourself more attractive to her? What have you done to make her feel safe? How long have you done these things? How long have you stuck with your changes?
None of this will do anything unless she gets over her current stance and is willing to engage. She's entrenched, and without a motivating event, he's just setting himself up for frustrated expectations. She won't feel safe until she's open to feeling safe, no matter what he does.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
MWD's prescription for this is that both people need to "pay it forward" -- the LD partner must step up and agree to a "sex anytime you want it" policy, and the HD partner must figure out the LD partner's love languages and start speaking them, regardless of whether or not sex follows. Requires both parties to be ready to pay it forward.
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Everything we have offered has been shot down or reasoned away.
That is the nature of a problem that has existed for so long, and for which I've tried things for years. Lots and lots of things have been tried. Doing something again just because somebody else thinks of a suggestion doesn't make it new in OUR relationship. So I think that's a sensible reason for "shooting down" a suggestion. Otherwise, it's the definition of insanity.
