She still wants full custody and says that I agreed for it. I wanted to see if she aggres to be together. Looks likes he made up her mind and wants to move on. I cannot aggree to 100% custody and joint custody with she being primary is resonable. This whole year she has been so inconsistent with every thing
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
Yes, she texted me the other day saying what's in her heart.she said she was shocked and did not want thing to go this way. I went to her and knocked her door she didnot open. I waited and went back 2nd time , texted her that I love her and want a happy family back.
Did you interpret Her Behavior, (not some vague wording) to mean that she wants to be a "happy" family with you?
I think she's suprised that things got heavy perhaps...but MAYBE you are projecting your wants onto her.
You assume things b/c you want to believe those things.
And you are pressing her for more than she's ready. Even when there is progress, you jump the gun.
She may well be confused, and maybe it's b/c you made changes that cause her to second guess her choice to leave (which is the best you can hope for at this point in time)
but she's clearly not ready to reconcile and "be a happy family".
Can you describe when you THREE were happy together? Big bruce said once the baby came his wife was "obsessed" with the baby and so bruce detached from her "bad demeanor"...
Since you named me in the thread title as if I know you, but I don't recall this "Brahim" name, & you chose to post on Big Bruce's thread (& you sound so much like Big Bruce) I can only assume that you are him
OR you are not and therefore I can only go on these few posts here.
Please provide more info AND at least try to answer the questions I ask or there's no reason for me to be here. No offense, but it's just reality.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
She still wants full custody and says that I agreed for it. I wanted to see if she aggres to be together. When a woman says she wants full custody, it may not be reasonable. But for sure it's NOT a signal for you to "see if she agrees to be together."
That's what I mean about you projecting your wants and desires onto her. She's NOT giving you the signals you think she is and you are pursuing HER instead of just trying to be a good father.
YOUR GOAL was to show that your son was THE target for your love, b/c you respected her choices (instead of constantly asking her to change her mind and forcing her to defend those choices) and do as we've repeatedly said, which is "fight for your son and show her the new you"'
not the same old guy who makes demands the second he sees his w reconsidering, or seeing him in a new light. That's the OLD you, that;s
the manipulative pretend to care about the boy--- so she cares about ME" kind of man, that no woman trusts with her heart, or offspring.
Looks likes he made up her mind and wants to move on. I cannot aggree to 100% custody and joint custody with she being primary is resonable. This whole year she has been so inconsistent with every thing
might she say the same about your inconsistencies? And even if you don't see it that way, surely you realize that the more you pressure her, the more you push her away.
Just be the good guy you ought to be, WITHOUT making demands of her.
Is that really so hard?
I think it would pay off tremendously in the fight for your son. And it's the right thing to do.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Yes, she texted me the other day saying what's in her heart.she said she was shocked and did not want thing to go this way. I went to her and knocked her door she didnot open. I waited and went back 2nd time , texted her that I love her and want a happy family back.
Did you interpret Her Behavior, (not some vague wording) to mean that she wants to be a "happy" family with you?
I think she's suprised that things got heavy perhaps...but MAYBE you are projecting your wants onto her.
You assume things b/c you want to believe those things.
Quote:
You are right
And you are pressing her for more than she's ready. Even when there is progress, you jump the gun.
Quote:
I did want to save the marriage
She may well be confused, and maybe it's b/c you made changes that cause her to second guess her choice to leave (which is the best you can hope for at this point in time)
but she's clearly not ready to reconcile and "be a happy family".
Can you describe when you THREE were happy together? Big bruce said once the baby came his wife was "obsessed" with the baby and so bruce detached from her "bad
Quote:
We were happy when we moved to a new town, 2 yrs ago, we both had jobs , we just bought a new house. We were sharing finances, we took trips out of town, I work over night calls, shealso worked overnight calls. We shared stuff like husband and wife. Its the arguments and disagreements that go ballistic. Small things, I was planning to start my own business, which I think her mom did not approve. She had hard time teloing me not to do that. That was the huge fight, when she said you need to leave my house. She wanted to go to brazil with her mom. I said we will plan it and time it. She takes it as diapproval and goes on a tangent saying, u don't like my mom.
One thing I have to admit , I did not have a good relation to he best friend, emotional support and confidente, her mom. It's like I was competing with her on any decision, to name her mom suggested her to seperate and see how things will turn out, now she is one who is supporting her divorce. Her mom had been disrespectful many times to me. I choose to not make her as big but reality is she has huge influence on her.
They grew up taking vacations 3-4/ yrs all life, no savings just live in the moment kind of, I respect that life style. We did take long trips with in our means.
Since you named me in the thread title as if I know you, but I don't recall this "Brahim" name, & you chose to post on Big Bruce's thread (& you sound so much like Big Bruce) I can only assume that you are him
OR you are not and therefore I can only go on these few posts here.
Please provide more info AND at least try to answer the questions I ask or there's no reason for me to be here. No offense, but it's just reality.
Thanks for reading my post , I think she has no intentions coming back. I have to let her go
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
When I open up and her that I care, she assume that I aggred for sole custody. I said I would be interested in joint custody with her being the primary care giver. She says you had to disagree , so much to love.
Any thing I do she find it wrong, but i need to focus on son.
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
Its over , I just got divorced, she agreed for joint custody and did not want to reconcile.
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
If you had answered my questions so I could recall your situation earlier I might have said something more useful. I simply did not remember enough soon enough. Then Found your thread.
Anyhow, here's the deal. You are hurting and you are sad and that is NORMAL and will pass!
But hey, a divorce is a piece of paper. When your wife sees you becoming the best FATHER you can become and taking more interest in the child, as you seem to be doing, she will be moved.
No mother is unmoved by that. It's deeply touching.
But do NOT pursue her. The more you question her or pursue her and argue about her choice, the more she defends it.
Don't challenge her choice to leave anymore b/c it's done. If she feels sad about it, and tells you, do NOT tell her "she made her bed now lie in it"...
don't show the anger
but it's okay to feel a "sad resigned acceptance" like you know SHE is LOSING as much as you are. Not that you are always going to be alone OR that you want to punish her but that is a tragedy. YET you will survive and be alright. That is how to accept this setback like the man you are and the man you want HER to see you as.
AND
Please
Drop the mother as an issue. Drop her. She's like a crazy homeless person saying mean things to you. If the comments are not true, then the data is not real. And crazy lies from someone with a chip on her shoulder about men, are not something you should waste time on. Plus, you have zero control over the mother in law and therefore she gets dropped from your brain and heart as soon as possible. No more energy goes her way. Make sense?
Focus on the life YOU are going to start creating.
Btw, what NEW activities are you doing to Get A Life?
Please let us know the CHANGES in YOU are taking place. What's New and different about YOU and how YOU resolve conflict?
You must model that for your wife, instead of telling her that "there are better ways" SHOW HER.
Don't give in and then resent it...that teaches her you are weak or too lazy or uncaring to fight for what you want, and she gets to have her way if she is pushy enough. MODEL GAL & HEALTHY COMMUNICATIONS FOR your wife, without pointing it out. She will notice that. Trust me there.
Many women stay with their h's solely b/c the man is a "good father and provider". So please put your daughter ahead of all else for now.
AND Hey, I have two family members who divorced and later remarried their former spouses. So yes It happens.
They each (all four people in the two couples) continued to grow after their divorces, and they saw each other now & then b/c of the child.
Each seemed to work on themselves. I am not sure any of them thought or intended to reconcile early on, but they did.
And yes, it was better the 2nd time around.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Tears keep flowing, it's like hole in my heart, it's not the stupid paper, it's the loss of loved one. The total shatter of your dream , the disappointment , she was very unhappy at the court, I could see she was struggling with the choice , prolly moaning in pain. I didnot even make an eye contact. Her mom was the witness and she just took her away from my sight. I felt so bad for her , that I made her make such a horrible choice for her own family. 25 thanks for the encouragement, I am working, starting my own business, will start working out, I need to spend more time with my son, my life line ... I need to be better human, ee work shop I will go this November, keep my self busy , I need to take a mission trip to people in India , I have to release myself .. I will plan slowly , I need to get my mojo back, I know I always go through these troughs and heights all my life, funny my lawyers was so sensible, he said take ur time it's hard for highly educated guys to accept defeat , it hits the ego and failure elements of guy brain. I was hearing Jobe from bible on radio talk show and about suffering, it made my heart literally break into peices when I learnt about him, humans and suffering they say if you love and care,there is suffering attached with it ...
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
The shatter of your dreams and plans to grow old together. I know the feeling. I'm sorry you are going through this but it will get better. I promise. But only if you want it to. Keep living and it will happen.
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
I am on a treck for 2 days away from all noise , needed some lone time, reflect and imbibe this event, still up and down, how do I communicate with her , we just text and i made 2 calls the day before the event.
M - 39W- 38 M - 4 yr,Date-4 mths Son - 2 yr day care S - 9/12 Divorced- 10/10/13 Visits with son other week Working on myself & son,co-parent,change,assertive,alpha/beta, entrepeurneur,care,heal,centered
