Let me ask of you what you think about staying dark and n/c
Well I just posted a similar response in HWA's thread, but I think we all need to reevaluate where we are now and then as MWD suggests in DR, and keep doing what works and quit doing what doesn't work. When we try new things we have to give it time to work, but if months of being totally dark hasn't produced any improvement then I would think maybe it's time to try something different. I've always felt that going completely dark is more for the LBS then it is for the WAS. I don't think a WAS is going to learn to miss the LBS if they don't ever have any contact with them. With zero contact, it's too easy for the WAS to visualize the LBS as a monster of their making. But if they see the LBS now and then and see their PMA and GAL in full swing, then they may start to question their negative image of the LBS. They may start wondering what they're missing.
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Did you experience such a time with your WAW where there was a serious lack of contacts and or cold responses?
We've never really gone long without contact, mainly because of the kids. W is a bit unusual in that texts/ emails are almost always ice princess stuff, but in-person interactions have remained quite friendly ever since BD. I've always strived for the "friendly neighbor" interactions with her.
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I think I read how you were surprised that she left or was leaving you. My thing is I had no idea what was about to happen and how everything was seemingly normal only to all change in a matter of just a few hours. To this day 6 months later I am still bothered by this.
I did feel completely blind-sided too, but after reading DR I've just accepted that there was a lot going on inside W's head that I didn't know about. Like she says, when our W's decide to quit trying and therefore stop the nagging, we think it's a sign that things are getting better. So BD comes as a huge shock, because there are no signs. You've probably read my storm analogy before, about how the WAS looks cool and calm on the outside but inside there's a violent storm of emotions taking place. Wind-whipped waves are smashing against rocks, and black boiling clouds overhead are shooting out blinding bolts of lightning. The WAS's words and actions are being flung out of that storm like debris shot out of a tornado. We don't see the storm inside, just the words and actions. And we wonder why the words and actions don't make sense. But if we spent 5 minutes in that storm, we'd understand and quit trying to make sense of it. The trick for us is to have the patience to wait for the storm to pass.
Yes AS, I understand...What are your thoughts on the fact such as in my sitch, W is living 900 miles from me so there is no chance of seeing each other in person. As Cadet has mentioned if she is indeed in MLC she would be called a vanisher. She has however initiated limited email contact but nothing more.
Still cant say MLC or WAW for certain but W does seem willing to just move on without any discussion. I still have a hard time dealing with that...
What are your thoughts on the fact such as in my sitch, W is living 900 miles from me so there is no chance of seeing each other in person.
Well that makes things difficult for sure. I remember reading an old sitch on here where a woman was separated from her H who was overseas, and she asked the same questions about how she could show him 180's and PMA when they never saw each other. If I recall, I think she was told just to keep up her GAL and PMA and word would get back to him through the grapevine. They did end up reconciling and she credited her DB'ing, so it can work even long-distance.
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Still cant say MLC or WAW for certain but W does seem willing to just move on without any discussion. I still have a hard time dealing with that...
There are some things in life that we will never get satisfactory answers for. If you think about it, is there anything your W could tell you that would bring you peace about her leaving you? Probably not, because your response would be "but that can be fixed!!" But we fix those things and they still don't want to come back, so then we want to know "why" again, and so it continues. I know it's not easy, but we have to accept things as they are and quit asking why.
I understand what your saying AS, Sandi said the same awhile back. I have quit asking why but, still have a hard time dealing with why. I try wording it that way whenever I get stupid enough to bring it back up again. It's easing though and I know I just have to move forward as such.
I'm planning on staying n/c until thanksgiving then as you stated on HWA's thread maybe just peek out momentarily. That will be 2 months of n/c unless of course she does a surprise email...Or in my case maybe I should just stay n/c for sometime. I really am not sure what I should do. So the old saying when you dont know what to do, do nothing might hold true here...
2old, I will be having a talk with the DB coach this Monday. Will put up any options I have been given with regards to both N/C for how long and to peek out or not, and also how to deal/cope with distance away. Remember I move nearly 1000 klms away in 8 weeks time. No options, it is happening. She will be staying here for at least 1 more year minimu. No options for her either.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Thanks HWA, would be nice to know what they have to say cause i'm confused about it. I understand As' point about peeking out a little occassionally to not let them put u out of their mind completely. But, then you also hear how u should stay n/c and see if they will initiate contact.
Whatever the decision, like you we all have to move forward regardless. Something I am feeling better and better about. Hopefully in another 6 months (a year in)should things remain the same I wont be as concerned about "peeking out" or not....
And my move back to the great smoky mountains of tennessee is also fast approching.........yeaaaaa
A step forward towards moving back to tennessee today. I was formally offered the job over the phone a little bit ago. Job was already mine but HR had to make it official. Next week should be moving there and me and my 2 little girls (family dogs) will be home again. The W and I got them both while we lived there a few years ago.
So back to the Smoky Mts soon yeaaaa...Really think this is what I need to continue moving forward. And just for the record for those who follow my sitch, as of today still nothing filed by W. Cant imagine why but as many have said no expectations..........
2old, like me I think you need to move to move forward. It is bloody hard to make this decision, we have had to do, but we do know in our hearts and mind, it is the best decision.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
