BKS, I am so sorry to hear this. I am not a vet DB-er but if she said she has retained a lawyer I don't think you can afford to do the "believe none of what she says" thing. Because next thing you know she will "show" you by serving you and you will be completely blindisded.
There is NOTHING wrong with knowing your legal rights -- even if she hadn't said that to you and you were still DB-ing 1000%. (Knowledge is power). Also you can still DB 1000% until the divorce is finalized (many jurisdicitons have a waiting period for finalization of Ds). I read DB and Michele says you can DB after Ds are announced or even while pending.
Many lawyers offer free initial consultations and many muncipalities offer free legal clinics, if you do not feel quite ready to hire an actual lawyer or if you wish to wait and see if she has. I do agree with PP that you do not have to necessarily tell your W you have sought counsel/retained a lawyer.
Good luck and so sorry again.
Me 35 H 34 DS- newborn 8/13 T 8.5 M 7 H's EA - 10/11 INILWY 5/13 DBing 6/13 Don't know WTF to do 1/14
I'm sorry you're here BUT you must protect yourself. My H hired an attorney, after I told him that I would not help destroy us, and I had to also hire an attorney. I am waiting for H steps but I have found someone that will protect me, and my children, because ultimately we need to ensure we are OK.
Take care
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Wed. the 7th, I received a letter from W attorney indicating that I should have my attorney contact her to come to an amicable resolution.
I have talked to a few attorneys but have not retained one yet. I may just wait until I am served papers. I will speak to another attorney on Monday regarding this.
Other than that, I am still cycling up and down with acceptance and right now, I feel saddened by the fact that W is taking away and breaking up our family. It seems so selfish of her and she seemingly could care less.
I still keep a PMA around W and we even played badmitten together with the kids on Thursday. Its a very strange and surreal situation.
W can be very nice at times and then she just does a complete 180 when she doesn't get her way. She becomes mean spirited and hurtful towards me. I am getting better with letting the hurtful things she says to me roll off my back. I don't react much to her when she is being this way and, as of late, her antics are not bothering me as much at the moment.
She keeps accusing me of not wanting to let my son do his sporting activities. I would love nothing better than to play all the sports he wants. When my W asks me about paying for the sporting activities, I tell her that we should be saving as much as possible right now. My 45% pay cut has not arrived yet but it will soon.
When that happens, we will not be making enough to pay for all our bills etc. so we will have to rely on our savings, which are minimal. The majority of our savings are going to the attorneys with little left to pay for utilities, food, insurance, taxes etc.
She doesn't seem to get the fact that we will not be able to afford much of anything when the pay cut occurs. I am saving all the money I can right now to pay for the divorce, taxes, food and our other bills. She is not happy about his but, I feel that a roof over my childrens heads and food on the table are more important than sports at the moment.
I have also taken over paying for my own credit card. She has been paying the bills up until now but has recently stopped paying off the credit card balance at the end of the month as we always have. She has shorted it 3 months in a row, $400.00 each month. She did make up payments for the first 2 months, but not last months bill. If I don't take over the payment of my credit card, I feel that she will stop paying it all together and I will start paying penalties on it.
W became upset a couple of days ago with me regarding our Sprint Online acct. I was getting paperwork together to take to my attorney and I wanted to start getting copies of all our bills. I started with Sprint because its in my name. I believe she changed the username/pw because I could not get in with what I thought was the correct user/pw.
I asked her for the user/pw and she would not tell me what it was. So, I called Sprint and gained access to my acct. In the process, I had to change my user/pw. When she came back, she kept asking me why I wanted the user/pw. She was not satisfied with my explanation of getting paperwork together for my attorney.
I found out that she was trying to ascertain the names of the people's phone numbers that were incoming and outgoing from my phone to try and find out what I am up to. Basically, she is snooping.
She later tried to log on to our account and could not because of the change in user/pw. She asked what I had changed it to and I said I would give it to her after I changed the pw to a different pw that I didn't mind her having. She was not satisfied with that either and kept pestering me to give it to her. In light of her snooping, I am mot so inclined to give her access to the online account now.
Anyway, the night was less than fun with her. She was in a sour mood and was being hostile and antagonistic towards me. She told me to stop being a "prick" and that "she was going to take me for everything I "don't have". Meaning, that because she sees me as having nothing she will make sure I pay long after the divorce is final.
Wife asked me yesterday how long I intend to live in our house during the course of our D. She told me that there are many places I could go rent an apartment and that I should go now and find one so I could move out. I told her that this is my home and this is where I live right now. She asked, "why do want to stay living together with someone who doesn't love you and doesn't want you here?" She asked if I was comfortable living in our house, considering our pending D.
I calmly replied to her that this is my home and this is where I live. I said that if she was not comfortable that she could leave if it made her feel more comfortable.
She is becoming increasingly hostile and antagonistic and her alcohol consumption is increasing.
I'm not sure I have any advice, but you seem to be handling things as well as you can be. In my own situation, my wife lives separately and said she does not intend to come back. As I don't know where she is at with separation/divorce, I decided I did not want to be surprised. I am in the process of scheduling an initial consultation with a few lawyers as I really don't know how to pick one. I really don't intent to hire until she has made a move to hire legal counsel. At this point, I only want to know my rights; what I may have to do to protect myself; and what I can expect if the worst happens. My research suggests most charge for the consultation because the consultation creates an attorney-client privelage and some people seek multiple consultations to "poison the well" (i.e., block the spouse from hiring a particular attorney).
I will hold out hope that things may yet change for you and your marriage.
BKS, that's a great response, and a great way to not let it escalate.
I went thru same thing for a spell, I kept in the back of my mind, believe none of what you hear and half of what you see.
Listen, validate, 180, detach and GAL! It took a couple of months, she burned thru the alchohol/freedom, it wasn't so much fun after a while like she thought. Its guilt. Let her own her own guilt, you cant speed it up, and making her feel more guilty will only come back and bite you.
You know your wife, her expressions, her body gestures. If you see it starting to come on. GET AWAY.
Let her live in her own misery. Once my wife finally started burning thru, or slowed the running in my opinion, had to face some of the music. It slowly starts to click again. They think they're running TO the answer, they soon (ok some not so soon, some not ever) discover they're running from the answers. Theres absolutely nothing you can do, help, speed up, slow down, or have any input on the self destruction. Its a journey they must make before the fog clears. Sometimes its rock bottom, for others its not as far to fall, but they all fall at some point before they can "get it" again.
Its hard not to take on a personal level, but that's exactly what u must get away from, and Detach. Its not that you need to move on, its not that you need to give up, its just that you need to remove yourself and move along. I have an aunt that's been married to the same man 6x, not kidding, 6 times.
I understand checking out the attorney, glad your keeping it in the mindset of having options in front of you. It doesn't need to be anymore than that unless she's draining accts, hiding money, making it impossible for you to live. I don't know the circumstances, but its good to just cover your bases.
Don't move out, continue PMA and DB'ing. You can say "This is not what I want, but I will not stand in your way if you feel it is what you need to do" (regarding divorce)
In her head, when she filed for D, she probably thought that would resolve all the feelings she has been having, for you are the cause of everything. it didn't so now she is on the next step...if you move, that will make her happy. It won't.
She just does not realize it yet. Stay your course, I know it's not easy. Get out, do things etc. GAL
She is getting frustrated that none of this has resolved her problems or her feelings. We can still have what I see as "nice conversations" and then she flips a switch and is hostile and antagonistic again. This IS the "Roller Coaster Ride from Hell"
I do keep my PMA and composure when she is being negative towards me most of the times. When I cant keep my composure, I just excuse myself and tell her I don't care to talk about things right now.
Regarding moving out; I wont move out unless I have to.
