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I need some advice about how to handle the situation with my H and the kids. H moved out, but he still sees the kids almost every day. H comes over early a few morning to watch the kids so that I can head to work early (like I have always done) and then he takes the kids to school. He sees them every Wednesday and Friday night without me and then usually on Monday for baseball practice and then we sometimes do family stuff on the weekend. We have dinner together as a family as well(never just the two of us).

Our times together as a family are awesome. We have so much fun together and our conversations are great. We laugh, talk a little about work (not too much since OW is involved with his job), friends, etc. H makes sure to mention that we are only getting along because the kids are "buffers" which is frustrating. I believe that he says it to continue to justify OW.

I have been ok with this set up because it was giving us some time to connect in a good way and it allowed the kids to see H since they have no idea what H moved out.

It is getting harder to have fun times together and then constantly watch him walk out the door to his "new life." I know that he is still involved with the OW. I dont know if the EA has transitioned into an PA, but I am trying to act as if it has.

I am getting concerned that H is just too comfortable with this situation. H hates having to get up early to watch the kids, so I guess that is forcing him to do something different. But it still feels like he is getting the best of both worlds. He is getting to choose his family and the OW. H has no reason to do anything other than continue to live in the two little worlds that he has created. I know for a fact that he does not think I will leave and can always come back if he wants because he has told me several times.

Do I need to make some changes? I don't want to be angry or vindictive. Any advice??

Hi 3boyzmom, I am right in this sitch too only my H is still at home. I ask many of these same questions every day too. I almost asked my H to leave the other day, but realized it came from pure emotion and probably would not be handled well. So I"m not sure I have any great advice on this as I am in the same spot and still struggling with it as well.

I have read over on the Mid-Life Crisis forum often as there are some women in the same situations as us. It helped me to read their posts and the responses people gave them. Their post names are Tina825, LoisB and wishing, hoping. Maybe that will help you some, until some wiser vet here can post some advice.

Thanks so much! Off to read.

You haven't been S'd long, I suspect the above is going to change with time. In my case W continued doing "family stuff" with us for a while and having lunches and dinners with us, but that slowly tapered off until she quit completely. Now she does stuff with the kids and I do, but never together.



Ours were too, but it didn't change anything for her. I think things like this give LBS's false hope, we tend to underestimate just how "done" the WAS is.



I think he says it because he believes it. He thinks the extent of your R now is coparenting. And he will think that for quite some time, probably until OW is out of the picture.



And that's fine as long as you don't have expectations that it'll fix things anytime soon. It's like the DB coaches say, you're showing him what he'll be missing some day.

Hi, 3boyzmom! Boy, is your sitch striking a chord with me - a lot of similarities. In my case, though H's affair only lasted a few weeks, but he is in that same "I don't know what/who I want" area. It's a tough situation to be in, and I strive to handle things as well as you. I think you are doing a great job! Keep it up - one day at a time!

I had an interesting conversation with H this week. It was the first "real" conversation we have had in months.

I have been avoiding conversations about R and the future the past couple of weeks and was doing a great job. But I knew that we were going to need to have a conversation because of an opportunity that my husband had been presented with at work.

We were talking on the phone about logistics with the kids and he brought up the investment opportunity. H had previously said that it was not a viable options (which I knew was not true) or always had another excuse. I told him since the beginning that I thought it was a great opportunity and I will fully supportive, even about BD. This conversation was different. He admitted that he wanted to do it. He also admitted that he was frustrated because he felt like he had worked hard for the opportunity and I was only out for his money.

For the first time ever, I was not defensive and validated his concerns. I said that I could understand that given our situation. I then asked why he specifically felt that way. He said that I told him months ago that since he ruined my life and our family I would ruin his life and if he took the kids I would just quit so I could see them. When he was finished talking, I validated again (small victories). I then reminded him that I made the comment on the same day that I confirmed his affair, the worst day of my entire life. I told him that I understood why he had felt concerned but asked him to look at the type of person I have been for 15 years (I seriously hate conflict and have never intentionally hurt anyone). I apologize for the statement that I made out of anger and pure grief, and reminded him that by actions since BD have been the complete opposite and that I can done nothing to seed revenge or ruin his life. I told him that no matter what happens, I have no intention of hurting him despite what has happened over the past year. I told him that I did not care about the money and that I had only hoped that he would include me in the discussion about the opportunity as a courtesy and not just go behind my back. I also explained that if I ask questions about finances, it is not because I am trying to secure money but simply because he was always in charge of our finances. He apologized for his frustration and for pushing me away. He said that he knew in his heart that I am not that kind of person and said that he was sorry for basing his opinion on a comment I made when I was in shock and so much pain.

Accomplishment No. 1 - I think that I opened the cage and he now knows that he is free to leave if he wants. This conversation could have potentially given him the green light to leave, but now I know that we hopefully wont be in limbo forever based on his fear of revenge, etc. For some reason, it feels freeing to know that.

We continued our conversation after we determined to move forward with the investment opportunity. We got onto the subject of the issues that he had with me during our marriage the past couple years. I have done a lot of soul searching and spent weeks/months focusing on me. I had been toying with the idea of writing a letter to H apologizing but I was waiting for the write opportunity. For some reason, it felt like this conversation was the perfect opportunity. I started by telling H that I was sorry for the current situation we were in. I told him that I was so busy demanding that he apologize to me for his actions that I never apologized for my part in the downfall of our marriage. I went through everything that I was sorry for without giving any justifications. I apologized for not appreciating his hard work. I apologized for not fully loving our family and my life (I complained about my job, wanted more kids, longed to have a baby girl). With tears in my eyes, I said how could I expect H to love me and our family when I did not appreciate and love with all of my heart). I told him that at the time I had reasons for each of these things, but in the end it did not matter. I knew that it was wrong, it hurt our friendship and marriage and I was truly sorry from the bottom of my heart.

My H listened as I talked and I could tell that he was crying. My H has not cried since the day that he moved out. H has showed no emotion since other than frustration and anger.

When I was finished, H said that if I could not tell he was crying. He thanked me for the apology and said that he could already see how different I am and how much happier I seem. He said that this was a really good conversation. We said goodnight and our conversation ended.

I am not sure if this would have been recommended by DB, but I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I apologized from the bottom of my heart, but no expectations that my apology would change my situation. I knew that when I saw H the following morning, it would be back to business as usual. But I was ok with it. I have come so far since July. I know that if our marriage does not work, I will be ok because I am a much stronger and happier person. I know that I cannot depend on others for my own happiness.

I am trying not to mind read what is going on with H. I know that H has been focusing on me during his IC. I hope that his gives him the nudge to start focusing on his own journey. Our interactions have improved since Tuesday night and there seems to be a little less tension in the air between us. I will take what I can get




I had been thinking about this apology for months

H was at a work event with OW and they were drinking (H left me on his work automatic emails so I kept getting the evite and reminders even though I knew I was not welcome). I had responded that I had a work event so could not attend (which was true and I just wanted to stop getting the reminders that I had not replied). A definite improvement for me since I previously would have told H that I was upset by the situation. I did a pretty good job of keeping busy and not thinking about it. But man does this situation suck. It is tiring working to be a better person and standing for my marriage.

Hi 3,

I think your apology was beautiful. You did not apologize for your actions, but the actual HURT you caused and that is a very powerful thing.

As far is it not being db'ing, you have to gauge the timing of when things are appropriate and I think you did this at the very time it was needed. I think you handled all the conversations remarkably well. I am impressed.

Now, let your H sit on it, as he probably needs to absorb what you have said. Keep doing the great things you are doing for yourself. Your happiness is showing!

Thanks Pudmuddle. I was hoping that the timing was ok because I knew in my heart that I could apologize without expecting my apology to miraculously fix our situation. That would not have been the case a few months ago.

I am finally off of moderation and can start posting in real time!!

My life sunk to a new low today. I finally called and made an appointment with my doctor for a physical and std test. I kept putting it off because H has sworn up and down he has not slept with OW. I have wanted to believe him but I know I can't. I need to take care of myself especially because I know that OW's H has slept with prostitutes in the past (lovely I know).

Today I HATE H. I hate that I can't believe him. I hate that he had but me in this position and I am embarrassed beyond belief. I hate that he could care less about the destruction he has caused.

Now that I am done ranting I am off to play with my kiddos before heading to dinner and a movie with my girlfriend.