Betsey, I can't figure out your M. Wonderful, this MLC stuff just defies all logic, he seems to have caught it worse that my WAW, ( see my latest post, long).
It does seem like you work very hard at Dbing so maybe its too much and he feels controlled? It certainly is not clear to me either?
Anyway to add some mystery to your R with him?, take a mystery vacation, leave him with the girls for a week? does he even get jealous?
Seems like your kinda stuck right now? I feel like that to sometimes and have decided to just " do nothing" for a while and have some fun, come to California and we will paint the town RED with fish blood!!!
" I am gonna have Fish dinner tonight !!!! " ( some shark?)
Of course this doesn't make sense, silly! We'd all be graduate level teachers in the subject if did... which I am most definitely not!
Yes, I work hard at DBing from the perspective of people on the board. But believe me, he can't feel controlled because I offer him little on that front (and I really try to allow him to TAKE control...). We have come infinitely far with my avoiding conflicting conversations.
As much as I would love to take a solo vacation right now, the money is not here to do that. CA... sigh. I think you might be in the Bay Area? We lived in Sunnyvale and were married in Santa Clara... we have lots of friends still there and my heart truly IS in SF.
Jealousy is a VERY sticky issue in our sitch. I have always had male friends, and at least one of them was a deep EA and nearly a PA. Part of him shutting completely down was to deny the jealousy exists/existed.
We were about to embark on this terrain in MC when he conventiently stopped going (I stopped going as well because I felt that the board and some private consultations with DB coach Laurie could keep me on track better).
In my opinion, putting a slant to give him something to be jealous about would be the death knell for our M. When I ceased contact with my childhood friend/POM, he disbelieved that I could or would do that.
I have to uphold honor here, because I am fairly certain underneath all this fluff is a guy who has felt insecure because of my friendships with men (which I see clearly now). Integrity and faithfulness are, in my opinion, the high road.
Besides, my D9 is on the same frequency with me. She would be very distraught if she knew that I was misleading him and would undoubtedly spill the beans.
He has NEVER demonstrated jealousy. Which leads me to believe that he suppresses any and all reactions to that little green monster.
So, yes, right now I am "stuck" (for lack of a better word). Plus I will add that I'm only in this position because it is a choice--for now.
I'm nearing the end of my tether with him. He's been avoiding thinking at length, and it's time for him to figure out which way he wants to go. I feel that I've given him plenty of time to think, most of which he has neglected to use to his or our benefit.
I don't feel as if I'm in any haste to make any decisions, but I'm hoping that he sees some urgency in attempting to do so. I promise not to push or force confrontation (DB for me, because I am a shark and thrive on conflict)...
So shall we just keep swimming?
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Oh, Spiderman, where are you? Oh, goodness, I didn't realize that there is a huge ball of cherry red slime on my desk, morphing into my crazymaking friend...
Here's an avenue for me to use to carry out this adventure and as a vent:
I was just invited to be one of 4 parents in the tri county area invited to attend a state legislative meeting to discuss the state position on disabilities. It's an all day event and will require me to schmooze with my own area congresspeople at lunch.
I guess they felt that I did such a good job at the meeting on a local level that I should attend the state level forum (next is the national level in June or July in DC).
So off we go! A purpose for crazymaking and a reason to get a good vent out. (And I do it eloquently, which is why I was invited... GO ME! )
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I'm sorry I didn't see this earlier! Didn't mean to neglect any replies to you.
Oh, please don't feel bad about bringing my quotes from previous posts to light here. Though I'm not sure how to draw a line between that reality and my dream, I'm willing to contemplate if you can illustrate.
I'm really and truly over that experience--I logged 8 months in counseling after I moved to CA. That one, along with my brother's jail sentence, sent me into a tailspin and I had to work through things.
I consider the discovery of my brother's body (fortunately alive) something sort of horrific and tragic. I no longer carry the emotions from that experience, but it is one I can never forget.
So please feel free to dig in here with me. The hurt is long gone, though the scar remains.
PIB, I've been reading your threads for the past month or so but have not commented. I see SO many similarities in how we deal with our mothers... this is a parallel path that I'm traveling with you.
Although I have not chimed in, I want to thank you for being so open about your family issues. This is one area I can use even more perspective.
So hugs back atcha and I'll look forward to hearing your POV on things.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Ok...I don't have a fully formed thought here...but it just hit me hard that you went into the basement for a soda...and found your brother attempting suicide.
Then in your dream, someone was drinking soda...and there was tons of soda in the fridge.
And you weren't sure what the significance of the soda in your dream was.
I think someone did tell you that the soda may represent self-destructive behaviours. Does this underline that idea? Or do we need to dig deeper? Is there anything else that it could symbolize as well?
I don't think I'm explaining this very well..but I just had this very strong feeling that the incident with your brother and the soda in your dream were connected.
Whacha think?
As for my openness about my parents...thank you so much for saying that. You've touched my heart.
Things are running very smoothly with my mom now. I try to tell her how much I appreciate everything she does for me. And I realize now how much she loves me. I always doubted that before...and now, that I can see it...it makes things easier for me...you know?
I think that applying the 5 love languages to my parents has really helped our relationship a lot.
His X was a massage therapist who liked to "finish off" his clients to make more money. This made my friend unhappy, because he felt a line had been crossed. Occasionally, his X would take payment from clients to go on trips and be more. Friend and I both agree that he was nothing more than a simple prostitute.
Geez...as a graduate of Massage Therapy school, I have to stick my nose in here and say: THAT'S TOTALLY UNETHICAL!!
Blech.
Btw, I don't have a massage business...but am using my skills to volunteer at the local Woman's Shelter. In fact, that's what I'll be doing tommorow morning!
Still trying to catch up on your old threads, although I think I found this bit in someone else's threads. I'm literally all over the board today! Lol!
Jerry--Of course I do my homework! I'm a recovering perfectionist and make sure that I get as good grades as possible!
I didn't move to the Bay Area until 1988--and left in early 1991 to move here. I was just getting to know the place really well when I left (damn Mr. W.). A Sharks fan!!!
Well, I left before they got the team, but I have to say I like them a lot. But we got Teemu Selanne (yay! )
Right after I moved there, they had the big Morgan Hill quake... of course, THE BIG ONE happened the next year. MH just keeps growing, doesn't it?
One of my dear friends grew up in Modesto. God, I just realized that you live in MEDIA CIRCUS USA. Poor you.
PIB--Wow, I had never thought about the soda angle. To tell you the truth, my earlier years were spent indulging in soda when I eliminated my "need" to self medicate in alcohol.
I now drink everything in moderation (though I could stand to increase my water intake more).
I'm going to think about that association some more, and thank you for bringing it to light.
Oh, and yes, I agree that my friend's SO's behavior as a MT was very unethical. He had big problems with it, as well as the fact that he was in a committed R. UGH is right!
What helped me in dealing with my mom was to remember that she was acting as a person and not as my mother--it forced me to think of her as a human with faults and issues. While we both have different crosses to bear (so to speak), it makes her journey different... not better or worse.
Often I find myself in the position of teaching her. I find it overwhelming sometimes. But teachers come in all sorts of packages, don't they?
I love my mom so much it hurts. I just think it's a shame she doesn't love herself as much. It's easy to be empathetic when I think of her in a compassionate form. This is particularly helpful when she's judgmental and critical of others...
JMO.
Big hugs back atcha. I'm glad you do something as worthwhile as what you're doing for those women. The world needs more compassionate people. GO YOU!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
