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FWIW, you said you wanted to get a dialog going. Reading the transcription of that text exchange, the only part I read a "jerky" was "All you had to do was answer the question."

I think the rest of it set you off because you were reading disrespect or disregard into it, and maybe you were right to do so based on your history with H and how well you know him, but as a third party at face value, I'm reading messages from a guy with some anxiety issues trying to cope with his anxiety over a misplaced uniform and missing money and not much else.

When someone is really anxious, they feel very unpleasant when things are "out of control" from their perspective, and regaining control becomes front and center, so he may seem to be treading on your emotions willfully when all he's really trying to do is beat back the anxiety dragon.

Accuray

Acc

Ad, just to clarify, I wasn't asking WHAT were you thinking? It was more like Hmmmmm, what was on your mind, what was your thought process?

Hope you got that.

When you described how H viewed you as an extension of himself it really snapped the anxiety thing into focus. I have a friend with an extreme anxiety disorder and in that context your H's behavior bears many similarities. If that's the case, he doesn't say and do these things because he thinks you're a moron or incapable, but rather that you are a lever he can use to combat his anxiety by telling you what to do

If you then don't do as instructed or worse yet argue it makes his anxiety worse and he gets disproportionately angry. Let me know what you think. The White Knight thing fits in this context as well. Let me know what you think. Not much you can do about it other than recognize it for what it is and that it really doesn't have much to do with you.

It is probably how he makes his world "safe." But as you say Acc, it's his to deal with.

Hi acc! You are correct, it was only that line that got me going, and only in a "what a brat" kind of way. I think the ensuing messages here make it sound like i took more of an issue than i did. The rest i recognized as his anxiety over what he perceived as a need to have everything just so when he left.

Which, by the way, is a bit of a trigger for some hard feelings too. I leave for a week each year to run a huge meeting, and i always came home the past 5-10 years or so, to his complete indifference. The house would be spotless and everything shipshape and he would make it clear that i was not missed, that everything ran just fine without me, and all of my contributions to the household were meaningless to him. The last return b4 bomb date he flat out said he didnt miss me. We were never intimate again since b4 i left on that trip. If you've ever heard of a wife considering going on strike so her unappreciative h would really see what-all she did every day, well, you can see how flat that would fall if i had tried it! I felt worthless to him. Oh boy were we broken beyond repair.

So back to now, i see how hard he must work to project how much he doesnt need me around. It caused a great deal of anxiety getting everything into place. Notice though, how the things out of place are still my fault, my responsibility? Even when im not there i am the source of disorder and discomfort to him. Anyhow, thats a big tangent.

Bug, i got lost in your question. I wrote what i was thinking as our conversation transpired, but if you were asking what was on my mind around that time, it was (1) cant wait to get home and see my kids!! (2) i'm dog-tired and (3) cant wait to read the last few pages of the book i bought for the flight home. I bought The Perks of being a Wallflower, and got 95% of it read on the plane. Good escapism after being "on" 3 days. I love travel and love returning home so i was tiredbuthappy. But protective of my happy.

In the text msgs i was actively trying to recognize and take care of my needs, thus trying not to drop everything and jump to meet h's need in the moment (if its not on fire or bleeding it can wait 15 minutes till i get home, right?). I needed some serenity, and to get my bags and me home, and relax a bit knowing i was overtired. I was nice to him, and even said "awesome" .

He is tricky though. This was a little bratty but explainable, and so was the driving thing, and so was the infamous son's-crotch-grabbing, and most everything mean that he does. It's very easy to reframe it all as me being unreasonable. Abusers make you doubt your own judgment.

Thing is, he could be perfectly 100% justified saying things to me like u could have just answered the question. But i don't have to accept that myself! No one has to think i'm reasonable but me! I get to decide what i am ok with.

Someday if he misses me and would like to try again, there will be no tolerance for even a little explainable disrespect. I wouldnt accept it from a match.com date and i wont accept it from my future husband. I do feel bad that he stresses himself out, but i dont need to bear the brunt of his stress. Not my job, since he fired me!

After I read my original post it sounded like I was asking in an incredulous WHAT were you thinking? way. You know, that thing people say when they think you've done something really stupid.

That's all. You answered it perfectly.

Oh, lol! I could answer it that way too if you like! (Smh duh i know right?!)

Got an answer for everything...

Acc, the anxiety thing is pretty significant. For me it was a sea change in counseling when i realized he wasnt as supremely confident as he acted. Youre right, a lot of my resulting anxiety went away when i realized the issues were his, not so much about me.

But when he's got the angry eyebrows, rolling eyes, sarcastic voice and chopping hand gestures going, its hard not to feel like he really does believe youre a complete moron.

Being a night in shining armor is an important part of his identity, but then after a while he resents and belittles the ones he rescues. Confidentially, one of his favorite jokes with the kids when they were young schoolage was to insist when he came home that he was really superman and his job was saving people. In addition, he took to wearing dogtags night and day, "because he's a runner" but almost like he wished to be mistaken for a soldier.

I just hope he ends up ok. I feel ok myself, usually. I STILL think now and then that he'll snap out of this and want to come home, crazy that seems.

The sad part is, he could probably be happy and have a great life he he would get good help. Illness of that nature is such a stigmatized thing and I would guess from what you've said in the past his job would be in jeopardy. We live in an upside down world.

Living with someone with an anxiety disorder is a tightrope walk.