If W invites for coffee, etc, but there's no commitment to marriage is it useless? Is it the rule of accept some, but not all? I sorta feel like it's giving her cake and letting her eat it too. She gets to be buddies with me, and kids get to hang, so its like "Divorce ain't so bad!"
^^^Mindreading, it never helps.
What do you want to do and can you do it without expectation? That's the question, see how it focuses on you, not her.
And why would it be useless? How do you define useless in this context?
I once marked off days on a calendar to indicate my no contact with H. I didn't give myself a prize but it did help seeing the days stack up. It's like breaking the addiction of the emotional hit we get from contact, good or bad.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
The hearing is done. A whopping 15 minutes where I sat on a bench while attorneys went in. I didn't speak to W, just read a Hollywood gossip magazine, and realized I didn't recognize half the people in it. That either makes me old or awesome. Or both. W just sat with her hair hanging down looking the other way.
I honestly was hoping the trial date would get pushed back 3-4 weeks. It got pushed back three MONTHS, and that's just to start it. I'm beyond happy right now. Now the weight is on me to stick by my new fancy "dim" calendar. W called me three times this morning, and I didn't answer. She didn't leave a voice mail so it must not have been important.
No way, Pud, no flipping. I feel better than I've felt in a long time.
Partly because, after all of this fear about the divorce; now that it's officially kicked off I realized it doesn't scare me anymore. It's a phenomenal feeling. It has controlled me to some level or another ever since the BD announcement, and now I realize it is nothing as it pertains to our relationship.
Also, a lot of fear reduction because our attorneys walked out and talked about going to lunch together, and her attorney joked about not having time because he had to go to some cesspool of lawlessness, and my attorney just laughed.
D11 left her house key for W's place, and I almost chased W down to give it to her, and decided not to. I just dropped it in her mailbox, and drove away smiling.
This will be day one of being super dim - even though I saw W, I didn't speak to her or look at her. It is a good day.
The attorney thing rubs me wrong, I saw a lot of that at the court house after a couple of our hearings. It's almost like they are all in a club or friends, and we are all the idiots there paying for their lavish lifestyle.
They are a necessary evil I suppose. lol
Me: 43 W: 37 Together: 18 M: 15 D: 8 yrs old ILYBNILWY: March 2011 She Filed for D: August 2011 She moved out: Sept 1, 2011 Reconciled: May 2012 Divorce Case dropped: July 2012
Forgot to mention, W was REAL flirty with me, came up behind me and pushed her boobs in my back, and giggled. I put my arm around and squeezed her butt, and she waggled her eyebrows at me. We watched some TV and I laid leaning on her with my hand in her leg, and she just laughed at the show with me.
You truly have the most peculiar form of "going dark/ dim" that I have ever read about on these forums. Strangely, anyone else here would call this "pursuit". I've said it before Jon, but you can't have it both ways. You can't have contact every couple of days and call the day or two in between "dim" because you didn't reply to a text or two. If you think that's dim then you completely misunderstand the concept. At one point you said you were mistakenly saying "dim" when what you really meant was "detached", but you are not even in the ballpark of "detached" either.
Quote:
I got mad. I felt like I had been used the whole day.
That because you're still firmly latched into a car on the roller coaster. You have the choice of stepping off the ride FOR REAL. In DR, MWD talks about how we humans don't like change, we like to do the same things even when we know they don't work. So we put a different name on it and convince ourselves we're doing something different when we're really not. Your use of dark/ dim is just sticking a different name on the same old pursuing behavior. Remember the cheeseless tunnels!
First of all, thanks so much for input and thoughts. I read everyone and weigh them carefully. It means a lot.
@AS - I'm pretty sure you've said this to me 5 or 6 times, maybe more, and every time in my head I was ready to go! But I've figured out that I was ready to go to get a reaction out of W.
But this past weekend with all the positive interaction, laughs, hugs, kids playing, goofing off, the kiss - all of it reveals that W is out of reality and still deeply in a fog; so all my practice going dim, and tests of a few days have really done nothing except maybe improve W's outlook a little. Sadly, sometimes it takes seeing for believing.
But the real answer is this: until W is ready to work on the marriage, nothing is going to change. It's clear she doesn't really want divorce deep down, but until whatever is broken in her head/heart is fixed, she's going to bulldoze ahead. I tried what I've wanted for 6-8 weeks. A time with W with lots of touching, laughing, fun, kids, good times. It happened and W was pretty much the same afterward.
I'm ready now to go dim for ME. I'm very honest on here, so I'll definitely come back for the 2x4s.
