Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Confused about detaching!!!

And I will hold your hand Angela!

I am in the exact same place, wondering too much and wanting some acknowledgement. Trying not to pursue or let his emotions affect mine.

Release, let go, and as AS told me YOU = HAPPY, no matter what he is doing. DEEP BREATH.

I'm with you!!!

Thank you, JonF and PM;

During lunch I went and looked at his Facebook page....BIG MISTAKE. He's deleted me again for no reason. We were getting along WONDERFULLY. Then, for some reason, he deleted me overnight while at work and now won't answer his phone.

I am so frustrated and confused.

But, yes, I just need to let go. No expectations.

All I want to do is put my head on my desk and cry right now.

"won't answer his phone."

Why were you calling him? Was it to ask about the Facebook deletion?

I called him once this morning, after the first text, to see which of us is picking our son up from football practice today.

Wish I hadn't contacted him at all today. He's obviously upset about something. Or needing space.

Angela - that's fine to coordinate kids, it's unavoidable. Just be there to pick up your son, then take the kids out for ice cream or something?

It's seriously hard to do but give him space. If he doesn't answer about the kids, then just be there to pick them up. Be happy (I know but put on a :)).

Pretend for now his moodiness doesn't bother you. <--I wish I could follow this too!!!

Thank you JonF, PM, MrBond for helping me out today!

I re- focused on myself and the kids, got out of the house this afternoon , and am much better this evening. H didn't talk to me one time today, even when he was home this evening . But, after he left for work, I realized I was okay with that.

Seriously, thank you all for reminding me about DBing stuff and encouraging me today!

Ok, I REALLY need a smack to the head! And some advice on a couple of things! I'm FAILING miserably at DB'ing this week!!!!! HELP!!!! I need a life jacket, I'm drowning!

Having your spouse at home is really hard, sometimes! I am thankful he's still home, as so many on here don't have that....but it makes interactions very painful, too. It's like I'm too close to the situation.

Quick recap: H told me he loved me last weekend, then completely pulled away on Monday and stayed that way all week, until our boys' football games on Thursday. We had a really good time at the games, lots of flirting and laughing, etc. Friday, H asked me to come straight home from work so we could hang out before I went to my school's Friday night game. So, I did.

I got home from work, and he was gone. A friend had a truck break down and H was over there helping with that. He finally came home and preceded to ignore me. Then, he got mad when I left for the game because we hadn't spent time together yet.

We had a massive "texting" fight that I SHOULD have known better than to participate in!!! But, things eventually got better, and he came home from work this morning, instead of going to have a beer with the guys.

Here is where I need the first bit of advice. I'm uncomfortable talking about sex on here, but need some advice from others who still have their spouse at home. We have not stopped being intimate through any of this. To date, I have no proof he ever had a PA, and he still lives at home, in our bedroom so things have continued in that area. We can still be affectionate, at times...and we both feel closer afterwards. So, sex has continued to be a regular thing for us.

He feels like I am "punishing" him or not attracted to him if we don't. Plus, I haven't felt that conflicted about it. It's fun, I enjoy it, and it has seemed to help our R. BUT, today, after he came home from work, we did the deed, and he promptly got up and left.

I thought we'd spend the day together, especially since we didn't get to yesterday. He informed me that he was spending the rest of the day at a friends to watch football all day for a "Guy's Day Out" (his words). Then, he's going straight to work.

This is where I "failed" a bit. Instead of encouraging him to spend time with the "guys" and letting it go, I threw the mother of all hissy fits. Then, I told him I felt "used" and to never touch me again. So, he's been gone for 5+ hours with no contact....and he's super mad at me.

So, guys, out there. Is he using me? I've had a few people on these boards tell me that we shouldn't be having sex. But, for out sitch, I feel like that is important to our reconnecting. Am I being stupid? Should I cut off sexual contact with him for now? I feel like he'll see it as a slap in the face. He just told me yesterday that the one thing he is insecure about is when I say that maybe he should move on, etc. because he feels like I'm not in it for the long haul and that he feels like I'm not attracted to him. Which totally isn't true but that's how he sees it.

Okay for situation #2 that I need help with. And, I know some of you are not only going to hit me with a 2X4, but maybe a bag of bricks!


So, H cut off contact with his mom 3 weeks ago. She, along with a couple of others in her family, have continued to hound him by text and on Facebook. He asked me last weekend (on the "I love you" day) to please talk to her and make it stop.

So, I emailed her on Sunday and gave her some links to MLC because she just doesn't believe H is in one. She thinks the more she tries to talk to him, that she can talk some sense into him. This is just making him cut her off more and more, to the point, that right now he is claiming he will never talk to her again.

I used my home email, never dreaming that H would monitor it!!!! He's NEVER done that before (that I know of). But, on Monday, when I couldn't figure out why he'd pulled away so severely and quickly, it was because he read my email.

And, now he is FURIOUS with me about the whole MLC thing. He says that I am painting him as a monster and that it's all a lie. He says that I've hurt him beyond repair, etc. He also said that "he'll show me a monster" and make that email "true". I apologized and tried to validate him. And on Thursday, he even joked about it, and we were fine.

However, today, he kept bringing it up and telling me to "fix it". So, how am I supposed to fix this??? I KNOW we aren't supposed to discuss stuff with other family, etc. but he asked me to. I also didn't realize he'd read my email. So, how do I make this huge mistake better?????

For the past year, a huge obstacle is that he refuses to forgive anyone for anything. How am I supposed to fix it if he won't forgive me? I didn't mean to hurt him. I was trying to get his mom to understand so she'd leave him alone. For one thing, she just makes it worse for our marriage when she tries to "help". For another, she keeps encouraging us to get a divorce so that "everyone" will be happier.

For every step we take forward, we take a million back because I keep backsliding. As for GALing, well, I sometimes I'm good at it, and other times, I just want to bury my head in my pillow and cry and cry and cry. Today, is one of those days.

I wish I was stronger....

I'm new to your sitch, but I wanted to share some thoughts. First, I would give anything to be able to ML to my W. I do believe it can help maintain an emotional connection. For me, I never knew our last time might really be our LAST time.

That said, it does read a little like he is using you, getting what he wants, but maybe not all that you want. I don't know how it was with your R before, but I know in mine, there needed to be more leading up to ML or certainly afterwards. I don't know that I would go cold turkey, as that could create more emotional distance, but I don't think you should feel the need to if you are not getting what you want. I would be clear about what you need to feel comfortable about ML. Let him decide if he is willing to meet your needs. That makes it his choice and potentially avoids blaming you. Of course it doesn't matter what I think or anyone else thinks, you should do what you feel is right.

First, DH, I'm sorry about your sitch. I try to remember that I'm pretty fortunate that my H is still around...and still ML to me. My heart hurts for you, and others, who don't have their spouse around.

I guess my H and I cycle with the ML thing. He has tried a few times the past month to be more affectionate. It almost always leads to ML, but he keeps telling me that it doesn't have to. When he's not spewing and mad, he tells me that he is trying to do more of what I need (more of the affection stuff). Maybe today was just an off day.

I felt used and got angry and crazy and emotional...but I'm thinking now, hours later, that I probably over-reacted...and he ran away fast to his friends to get away from the "emotional" me.

And, thanks for the reminder that I need to do what I feel is right for me sitch. It is quite different when the spouse is still at home, still physical with you...and yet, running away every few days. It's confusing. You know?

Thanks for the advice!!!