Thank you, slow it down. My mom and dad say the same thing. They think talking about the ow puts the focus on her. My jealous and hormonal mind wants to ring her neck and use some choice words to talk about her to H.
Remind me again why bad mouthing her is a bad idea?
Yesterday the therapist asked H whether he could stop communicating with her, at least until the baby is here. He said he didn't want it and the therapist said something along the lines of, "why are you afraid to cut contact with her for now? If she is really that into starting a life with you and your relationship with this woman is that strong, she can wait for you to do the right thing, which is to take care of your wife now."
H didn't say a thing. I think he gets it that this relationship is fragile and that without contact it would die, but he won't admit it.
The therapist did some listening exercises with us because we kept talking on top of each other and we are both horrible listeners. H had never even heard of the term "validating someone's feelings" and then rephrasing what is said. He was like, what's the point of validation of feelings? Huh???
So then I asked him on the way home, what do you think she was trying to say about ow. He kept dancing around the answer and finally said, "I guess she was trying to say it is a temporary relationship"
Anyway, H just called to see how I'm doing because yesterday I had so many contractions. I asked whether he'd like to go out to our favorite restaurant tonight and he said a cheerful yes.
Very odd evening, in that we were our normal self, minus physical affection.
H got home while I was folding our clothes. He helped me bring them upstairs. When I was changing, he entered the room and, I don't know why, I got a little embarrassed and said I was naked (btw, if I weren't pregnant I would totally have used it to my advantage, and he would have forgotten about ow a long time ago, but right now I look like a balloon). He lingered and started changing too, which I find a little intimate for two people who sleep and shower in separate rooms.
We went to our favorite restaurant. S1 is teething and is a little monster, so I knew that the restaurant would be an adventure. Last week H got irritated with everything and acted like a jerk when S1 was acting up.
Today he sat next to me and when I told him to go sit somewhere else because the sun was in his eyes, he said he wanted to be near S1 to help.
Throughout the meal we talked, entertained our son and he even walked around with him, because our boy was so fussy.
After the meal I suggested we get a movie at red box. That was always our thing on Fridays and I thought he'd say no because it would be too familiar, but he agreed.
At home he played with S1, bathed him and we sat down to watch the movie. He sat very close, so close that our shoulders touched, but after a while he went to lay down at the other side. I asked him to rub my back because its been a real mess with this big belly and he did it for a while.
Throughout the movie we cracked jokes at each other and made comments, just like the old times.
He asked whether he should paint the master bedroom tomorrow. Btw, I still don't know why he is taking on so many house projects. He has been on a mission to fix everything in the house and, no, he doesn't want to sell the house. He wants me to continue living in it, even if we separate.
He fell asleep, so I turned off the movie and came upstairs.
btw, if I weren't pregnant I would totally have used it to my advantage, and he would have forgotten about ow a long time ago, but right now I look like a balloon
Oh c'mon...don't sell yourself short. I didn't find my W less desirable when she's pregnant!
M35 XW34 D5 D4 M 6years T 10years Bomb 5/2013 Joint Petition signed 6/2013 Moved out end of 8/2013 Court Hearing of Joint Petition 9/2013 D finalized in 3 months - no news yet
Planet, I seriously think that my belly is what scares him in this relationship. Everything it represents scares him, so I don't think he sees me as a sexual person right now.
I'm screwing this up really badly. I just don't know if I can put up with all this.
S1 has been really fussy because of his teething. He is crying non stop all night and all day. It's giving me a headache and making me frustrated.
H and I tried finishing watching the movie this morning, but S1 just cried, no matter what medication I give him.
We went to lowes to pick up colors for the master bedroom and S1 just cried. At the check out counter, the lady asked me when I was due because I sure look like I'm about to pop and when she saw how fussy S1 is, she said, "you've got a lot of work ahead of you. Good think you have daddy here!" And I said, "yeah, hopefully he will be around"and both people at the check out counter stared at H, and she said,joking, "yeah, hopefully he is not going anywhere"
At home H was in a bad mood and picked up his damn iPad to go talk with OW.
I said, "you're going to go talk with your girlfriend while your pregnant wife deals with your screaming kid?"
He didn't look at me.
"This is what both therapists said: you want ice cream because you can't deal with real life. It's like a cigarette. You want something without kids and mortgage because its easier. Are you proud of yourself right now?"
"No, I'm not," he said angry.
"Then man up and stop!"
He then said he just doesn't want to be with anyone and want to be alone. I said, "that's a very easy way out of real life"
He said something along the lines of,"I'm here everyday, all day" and I said, "but you checked out emotionally and are planning on leaving"
He stormed out with his damn iPad and I screamed COWARD
Was it right? No, but sometimes things just need to be said. And you my dear friend, have a lot of extra outside stress as well. Not getting any sleep and then having a crying baby does not help anything at all
I'm so sorry sweetie. I wonder sometimes too for me, when I might pop. I have so much I want to say and I don't have my best friend to say it too.
Is there someone who can help with your son? Maybe take him off your hands for a few hours so you can sleep or do what you need to do to recoup?
Keep journaling here too, it will help some.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
He did come back home, of course. With a lost puppy face he asked, is this what you really want? And I said yes. I told him this is too toxic for everyone and that I need space and time to heal and truly focus on the new baby.
He said, then you need to sign the separation agreement. I said, I will and then you will leave. Then he freaked out. Of course he was just threatening.
He says, "you just want to get rid of me"
Me: no, you know what I want
H: you want me to stay on your terms
Me: what other terms are there? We either live together as a married couple, working on their marriage, or we get divorced. Divorced people don't live together. Why do you want to stay?
H points at S1's room and my belly.
Me: and what do you think divorce is? You are in denial.
H: do you want me to be gone today?
Me: no, I need months to heal. Not just a day. I feel abandoned by you and it hurts me too much to have you around, but not have you.
H: you've abandoned me!
Huh??? And he left the room. He is probably sitting downstairs. I don't get him. I just want peace and be alone for a while.
He also said he wants to stay here until the baby sleeps through the night. Heck, my 22 month old still wakes up crying. Does he think he can keep living here and have another relationship on the side?
A part of me thinks he wants to have a home or resemblance of a family, while having the excitement of something new.
Another part of me thinks he has doubts if this is really what he wants.
And another part of me thinks he wants to have some control over me, in case that other relationship goes no where, and to make sure I'm not seeing anyone and going anywhere.
