Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Pregnant h wants a divorce after deployment

Yes borderline is pretty serious, and most people I know of with it refuse to get treatment, get divorced, blow up their lives.

The bottom line is that YOU cant FIX it.

No matter what his diagnosis is you do the same thing.
Basically follow the goals that you set out for yourself.

Good job on those, now just live it.

This evening was tough. Counseling was really really hard.

H is still convinced that he loves OW and that our marriage was awful.

The counselor tries to show him that our problems were just mundane problems and that OW was not a real relationship.

H got very defensive a couple of times and the counselor did a few exercises on getting us to try and listen to one another because all we do is try to be right.

H says he was shocked when I acted nonchalant about the whole divorce thing on Saturday and that it bothered him.

It seemed, throughout the session, that H is still set in divorcing, but as we parked, I asked him, "why are you going to these sessions? Is there a part of you that still want to work on this?" And he said, yes, but with a very closed expression on his face.

- HIS MAIN CONCERN: that I will never forgive him and that our relationship will get worse, and that so many of my friends and family know about what he is doing. He is worrie about what they think and how they would interfere with our relationship.

- MY MAIN CONCERN: that he doesn't love me anymore and never will again, and even if he does, will I be able to get over all of this?

I can't sleep. I keep thinking my M is a lost cause because of H's feelings for this woman. I feel like he is slipping through my fingers. Is there anyone here with a stitch similar to mine that has reconciled. I need hope and advice.

Preggo,
I would be careful about diagnosing your husband in his current state- he's in the fog of an affair, and even the most level headed person acts insanely in the fog.

BPD is something you would have felt in your relationship from the off. BPDs have a very hard time with real relationships because they don't feel emotion the way most of us do. They tend toward risky, unhealthy, behavior, feel that the world revolves around their issues, and generally leave a trail of strained relationships and broken promises behind them. Is this how you've always known your husband to be?

Don't distract yourself with diagnosing your husband. Work on changing yourself back into the woman that he thought he was marrying. Keep yourself focused.

-hs

Im confused about divorce busting. I have read the book, but am not sure if acting nonchalant is the best for my marriage. Did I get the wrong idea from the book? I keep reading Sandi's rules and think that in our case, I need to spend more time, not less, with H, since he was gone for 6 months. In therapy yesterday, he mentioned that while in Afghanistan he felt that that became his reality and that he is slowly coming back home. I feel that I need to make him feel more at home by being more available and doting, but it goes against a lot of the advice here.

Anyone could clarify this for me?

You have a lot of things going on in your sitch.

What I did read in your post above was that your being nonchalant (and I'm not sure what that means to you) "shocked" and "bothered" him.

Sometimes it takes realizing what we are about to lose to make us wake up and smell the coffee. There's a whole board full of LBSs here who can attest to that.

There's so much emotionally and physically going on with you guys right now it would be great if you could both agree to not do anything, including talk about R, until after the baby comes. I know I keep saying that but I think it would be so helpful.

I think you can be nonchalant (acting like everything is fine) and still spend time together. You still live together so some advice won't apply.

You can ask him to do things together, it's just important that when he declines you go ahead and keep living life whether he comes along or not.

Right now you want to take advantage of any time you can spend together showing him how enjoyable it is to be with you. Be fun, happy, (smile like its your job), don't get into relationship talks, etc. show him that he can be around you and not have to feel guilty abt the mistakes he's made.

Also it sounds like you have excellent chances of working this out if you can show unconditional love to him right now. Who cares what he says about loving OW? If he's worried about you and your family not being able to forgive him it sounds like he'd like to move past this but doesn't know how. Plus he's still spending time with you and is open to counseling. This is why everyone says not to believe anything he says... Because this man is not done with you. He's just a little lost right now

Hang in there!

Thanks, ladies. This is so hard. I have been crying since early this morning. H, of course, saw it. He kept saying, I hate this. I hate seeing you like this. He just stared at me as I cried. Finally, he said, I'm late for work and can't talk right now, I'm sorry. And I just said, ok, go.

It's hard putting up a happy face when I'm falling apart inside.

Labug, we still have 26 days until the baby is here. I don't know if I can keep my mouth shut, but I will try.

I keep worrying about things that may or may not happen months from now and then get myself all crazy, imagining how it will be when ow arrives in town. She is not here yet. Apparently she is moving here next year.

I know I should focus on now, but it's hard.

Slow it down - I wish I was strong like you. Where do you get the strength not to talk about ow?

It is very hard Preggo. And probably for you extra hard because you have major hormones flying around too. I'm sorry this is hard day for you. {{{hugs}}}

I still find my mind spinning and spinning at times and it feels just awful. I don't talk about OW because it just doesn't feel good and when he defends her it feels even more awful. So I choose not to talk about it at all. I still have moments where I am tempted to snoop, question or look at a fb post, but when I remember how absolutely lousy it makes me feel afterwards I really do not want to do it. Why would I want to make myself feel any lousier? this is already tough enough!

The more you can focus on how you see things in the future as a positive, the easier it gets to remain in the now. What I mean is envision what your M would look like if it was happy and what you would be doing when it is in a good state. Keep that picture in your mind to keep you going. I think Ghandi said "Be the change you wish to see" (to paraphrase here).

Stay strong Preggo, you are a very strong woman. I admire that.

Here's my only concern for you preggo. He's showing so many positive indicators and still shows concern for you... But if you are upset when he's home and he knows its his fault he's going to feel guilty and start avoiding being home to avoid feeling that guilt.

Acting upbeat and not showing your pain right now may be the hardest thing you ever have to do but you can do it.

I never bring up OW because it will not bring us closer and she's irrelevant. Part of the allure of the OW is how it makes our men feel about themselves. They don't nag, or cry or make them feel guilty. They fluff their ego's, make them feel manly etc. Its our job to find ways to make our H's feel good about themselves even when it feels counterintuitive.

When you catch yourself thinking about OW try visualizing a stop sign and force your mind to think about something else. Also look for other things to occupy your mind right now. For me that meant reading books (fiction, not relationship books ) and I started acting like a tourist in my own town going on tours, trolley rides, etc. These things gave my mind a break from thinking about my sitch and gave me some non relationship things to talk about when I did talk to my H.