Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Unlearning conflict avoidance 7

First of all, is what she said true?

Second, DO NOT ask her to not talk to you like that. Be assertive. And say that she will not talk to you that way Period. How did you use to discipline her when she was young?

Now she's turning into your W.

Hello Mr. Bond,

Yes, we have plenty of hot sauces. I was going to bring home two more and then mail them to my son, who has requested them, but it would it fact be cheaper to send them from here.

I am bringing home salsa, already bought, as we do not have any and the Swedish version is awful.

Okay, I was not sure how hard to push back language-wise. This:

daughter name - I am your dad. What you wrote is bossy, impolite, and disrespectful. I will not accept you talking to me that way. Pa

Yes, my W rubs off a lot onto her, for the worse IMO.

Luke

I was thinking something along the lines of:

D, If you would like to ask something of me then do so in a polite tone.
Demanding will get you nowhere.


Don't state the obvious, don't justify yourself.

"The last time I checked, I don't take orders from 15 year olds. I love you and can't wait to see you soon!"

Don't justify your child's disrespect by explaining yourself.

-PM

You don't need to justify why you're bringing hot sauces. Just be upfront with her and tell her that she is not to talk to you like that again. Use her as a starting point to how you act to your W.

Hi Luke... I am starting off on assertiveness training too. My IC suggests to box it *PNP* (positive, negative, positive)... maybe like this:

D15, I love you, I will not tollerate disrespect, I can't wait to see you.

As Bond suggests, use her as your starting point on how to demand respect from your wife. Do not allow this behaviour, it breeds further disrespect. Lets start standing up here!!

You and me... U in?

Magic

also,... gotta LOVE what PM wrote:

"When you are working on you, as in this case, focus on your actions, not so much how others react to your actions"

AWESOME STUFF ^^^^ right there!!

Magic!

Hey Luke, most 15 yr old girls are not the least interested in sauces from other countries. However, if you were to buy her something that teenage girls like.....it may be more appreciated. Even a T-shirt from that city/country would be more appealing to her.

Don't ask her what she wants. Surprise her. If she doesn't act excited when you give it to her (in person), then you need to look in her room to see what her interests are. Most times, you can just stick your head in the door and the room quickly tells you what she likes. Know what I mean? Who is her favorite celebrity? What singer does she like? What's her favorite color? What does she have on her bedroom walls?

Hola MM,

Yes, I am in - and pleased to meet you.

I had an interesting talk with T about daughter's mail, where he said that using an I statement would be good (she can't disagree with my feelings) and then taking it from there to the larger "you shouldn't boss people around" principle.

Gotta go to work - later - L

Okay, incorporating T's advice to say how I felt (d cannot disagree with how I felt, and using "I" makes it direct):

"XXX – I felt sad and irritated by your mail. Irritated because I felt bossed around, and sad because you were telling me I couldn’t do something - completely insignificant - that I wanted. I am bringing home some salsa (which to my knowledge does not harm you) just because I want to. Yes, we have plenty of hot sauce. I think you will find that being polite when making requests produces better results than what you wrote. "

Sandi2 - this was not intended as a present for daughter, but as a kitchen supply. Swedish "salsa" is horrible, tasteless, goop. D is getting dried cherries and almond M+Ms, which she adores, and which you can't get in Sweden. My love language is gifts.

Luke