Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Pregnant h wants a divorce after deployment

What would you normally do in a situation like this?

What kind of results would it bring?

LOL, sorry to be the 3 trillionth person to suggest that.

When I read it, it had some really good ideas on things you could do to progress the kind of closeness you are looking for. As your H is a bit more responsive than mine, I think it might work for you.

Ask your C the same question you asked here. I have an appointment with a C today, so I am nervous too!

Good luck.

Goals- go HERE



It's not a Catch-22 but you are mind-reading and fortune-telling. Work on that, don't let your mind allow you to believe things that aren't facts.

In the scenario you poster, you're assuming you know what he's thinking. You don't. And if he thinks you no longer care and lets the marriage go, it wasn't going to happen anyway.

What you can do is, be different. Don't talk about the R. Every time you bring up the R he has to once again, think in his mind, or tell you why it's not going to work. The more he says it, the more he believes it.

Let go.

I would attack him, the other woman, try to make him see we had good times, make him believe he needs to reach out. It would yield more of the same.

I wrote what I want to say to the counselor and although sort of embarrassing to share here, and maybe a tad intimate, I was hoping you guys can give me feedback?

This is what I want to bring up to the therapist:


I'm here for three reasons today:

1) I don't know how to convey to him that I am willing to forgive and forget what happened. He doesn't believe me. He also thinks I don't love him because of the things I keep saying to him about all this. And honestly, my warm feelings for him are somewhat dormant right now, but I believe they are still there.

2) I know he may be mad about what I'm about to say right now. He will accuse me of not listening. I did listen to everything you said last time and have thought a lot about it, but I'm having a hard time UNDERSTANDING why you were dissatisfied with this relationship because a lot of the conflicts you mentioned here were usual conflicts of spouses with a newborn, especially the first one. When I talk with my girlfriends, they go through similar things and feelings, so I'm thinking its something deeper than that, and that's what I'm trying to figure out.

Which takes me to number 3
3) I think that a big part of the problem we have is the way we fight. Our fights have a script that never ends in a healthy manner and I believe that this is actually what is making us both resentful.

My perspective, since we started dating, is that whenever he is in a bad mood because of stress or go through one of his lower moods (whether it is his work, or issues with his ex wife, or anything external to us), he takes it out on me, and maybe that contributed to my own resentment. I feel like we had a lot of fights throughout our relationship that I didn't deem were necessary. There was tension when there was no need to have tension. At least that's my perspective.

Now, having said that, my part in this is the way I respond. Initially, when we first started dating, I let it roll on my back and not take it personally. I was actually able to see the forest for the trees and think, ok, he is having a bad day or a bad moment. This has nothing to do with me. But with time I started to react, and my reaction is to get very angry and at the same time reason with him. This is where I start to talk and don't shut up until both of us are drained.

So I understand how I don't make those seemingly silly fights end well.

However, recently, in the last year or so, I've tried not to react to these moods, but I guess we are so used to this fighting script that I feel like there will be a push until there's a strong reaction from me.

One thing that is unhealthy in our relationship, and maybe this is why we have those unimportant fights that escalate out of proportion, in my perception, and he has mentioned this to me more than once, is that he thrives on conflict, that he feels this is more familiar to him than having harmony. My view of his perception of life is that he is always waiting for [censored] to hit the fan (I'm sorry for the French), and he will even admit to it, so instead of waiting, he throws the [censored] on the fan.

I feel like that there's a lot of sabotaging of this relationship and harmony of the relationship. Whether he does that from childhood trauma or because of low self esteem, Im not sure, but this is a pattern that I noticed: when things are calm between us, they don't last very long. I was actually surprised we had gone through so many months without fighting and waited for something to happen while he was in Afghanistan.

I'm not saying I don't contribute to it and we don't have some other issues to work on. When we clash over small things I take it VERY personally and make things worse. And because this has been the pattern of our relationship, when a real issue arises between us, maybe thats why I fail to see the importance of it. I go into defense mode and I think we both just end up wanting to be right.

Good luck today, pudmuddle. Where is your stitch?

[quote=labug]
It's not a Catch-22 but you are mind-reading and fortune-telling. Work on that, don't let your mind allow you to believe things that aren't facts.

In the scenario you poster, you're assuming you know what he's thinking. You don't. /quote]

You are right. I don't seem to think I know what he is thinking.

Ok, got it. Goals.

Here are some:

- stop talking about OW as if she is the center of our problems.
- stop talking about OW, period.
- stop pursuing by trying to convince him to stay ---- THIS IS HARD
- be pleasant to be around
- continue to GAL
- be more rational and level headed when discussions of divorce present themselves (not losing it in tears and threats)

Hi Preggo,

My sitch is in newcomers called A Fresh, New Day. I have LOTS of posts since I was here in 2007 as well and am back, much to my dismay. So when you need to distract yourself or are completely bored, read my sitch!

Nice job on your goals. I knew you could do it! I can see you are a strong, grounded woman. Take care.

Ok, vent time. Maybe I'm just hormonal and spending way too much time thinking about this, but the more I think about this situation, the angrier I get. I think H is lying about how long the affair was and when it started. He says it happened by the end of his tour. I think it started right at the beginning. I just have a feeling because no man would plan on leaving everything in his life for a two week fling.

Also, he says they were "reprimanded" for their friendship while in Afghanistan by some Air Force colonel. I'm tempted to contact him and report the woman.

Cool your jets, girl.

How is this in alignment with your goals?