Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Walk-Away-Spouse 6 weeks on

She left without warning, but the signs were there. I knew something was wrong in April. She was distant and brooding. There were glimmers but I knew she was mad. Fast forward. She wants a divorce. I get to see my daughter without too much headache. I see mental health and find this forum. I am not optimistic and she has proclaimed to everyone she wants divorce. All I care for is my child. I'm talking to a coach and will apply what I am learning, if only to regain self-respect from weeks of doing all the wrong things. I know I tried my best and it was her that destroyed our family. I have read so many similar situations here, but I get no hope from them. She is gone and I won't facilitate her desires. She is a new and ugly person, not the wife I know. The hell she has caused throughout my family is unspeakable. I can't see her reintegrating. The wound is too deep. I would be willing to go back, but only for the child. She claims to be a Godly woman and a church-goer. I don't know who she's fooling. I know I've made mistakes as she gleeful pointed them out ad nauseum. Old garbage she never put in the dumpster. Of the 4 years of marriage, 2 of them were pure hell in her mind. Why she had IVF to make our child is beyond me, though her motives are mostly selfish. As I said before, I am giving this system a try. I know she has painted me in such a negative way, any good I do is a shock. Example, I brought her a large box of diapers which caused a confused expression on her face. It gave me satisfaction to smile and then walk away. In this whole fiasco, I've struggled to understand her point of view. In the 2 years of her "hell", she never hinted at leaving. Things seemed normal. There were a couple of verbal fights, nothing too serious, but we always kissed good night and never dwelled on it. My shrink says she had an agenda regarding having a baby, then dump me. Perhaps. The fact we have no assets together makes things easier, says my lawyer. The horrible shame of it all, thats what bugs me. A new child coming into a broken home. A catholic woman who attends church regularly who does even apply the Word. Its all irrelevant now. Going forward, I'll use my new skills to try to salvage my marriage. Wish me luck.

She wants an civil divorce. I don't want a divorce. I love her. Thats why I proposed to her. What am I going to do. I've used the 180 techniques my coach recommends, but I am not confident they work. My wife is stubborn. When I try to reason with her, there are glimmers of hope, but then she retracts. Help.

Sounds like you need to work on YOU!

Welcome to DB.

Looks like you have 10 more posts that need to surface.
I will wait to see what those say!

First, there is a lot of anger and bitterness in your posts. You have got to get past that and own YOUR part in the marriage failing, not just if you want a chance at reconciliation, but to save yourself and make yourself a better person. This is NOT all your W's fault. People don't walk away from wonderful, fulfilling marriages. They walk away from broken marriages because they feel like it's their only hope of surviving. Dig deep and find out what you contributed to making the marriage miserable for her, and do 180's on those things. Sure she contributed to the failing of the marriage too, but you cannot change her. Work on the one thing you can control- you.




Why was she mad?



This is typical, all WAS's say they want a D. That doesn't mean there's no hope, plenty of M's have been saved against some really overwhelming odds.



Why would she want to reintegrate into a miserable marriage? Your goal isn't that, it is to become a new you, a spouse only a fool would leave. Maybe she'll be attracted to the new you, and then establish a new M with you. Neither of you should want to go back to what you had, it didn't work.



What mistakes did you make? What 180's have you done on those mistakes?



Wrong attitude. You need to take her concerns seriously and work HARD on correcting your mistakes.



And yet right above you declared her view as "old garbage she never put in the dumpster". It doesn't sound to me like you're trying very hard to understand her.



50% of marriages end in divorce. Surely you know many divorced people, do you think any less of them for being divorced? Of course you don't, so why would you feel shame over something that half the married population has gone through? Focus instead on YOU and what YOU can do to become the best possible person. Lose the anger, lose the scorecard, find your way to happiness. Get out. Get a life. Exude PMA. This is the DB'ing path. Have you read DR yet?

Thanks for the excellent points. I am reading the book now. My coach is excellent. My sitch is an LRT. She's out of the house, she has a lawyer, she will only email. I am reocnizing my faults and do 180's. This BB is a God send.

I liked what was said about being a spouse only a fool would leave. That would be an excellent goal. Thankfully my wife told me what she wanted me to improve. It just feels like its too late. What she was mad about and what I think she was mad about are different. I thought is because we were looking for a house. She said she was suffering for 2 years due to my lack of emotion. Also, she had a list of my personal failings which was helpful for my 180's. But, like I said, she doesn't want back in. So, I'm working hard to do the right things in a short amount of time. As time goes on, I'm doing this stuff for me and less for her.

You are on the right track here.

You make the changes for YOU, not to win her back.

snafu, Well right NOW she doesn't want the you that is you. Nothing you SAY will show her that. You will need to show her by DOING (actions) things that show your improvement.

You are on the right track and you are lucky she has shared with you what you need to improve. I cannot get my H to share that with me right now, so I am doing lots of introspection. Very hard to do by yourself.

But also remember that she is not going to find anything positive about you right now, so make the changes for you to feel better about you.

Keep the hope alive, even when it seems so dire and unpleasant.

Thank you. Its tough, but I don't want to quit. I have the tools to at least make a good effort. This BB is amazing. Speaking as a guy, I wouldn't dream to leave my blessed family no matter what. Family comes first. A man who leaves his family isn't a man, IMO.

I'm in a similar situation right now, keep up the fight on your end! Improve yourself!