Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Looking for New Options If H Wants Divorce

My negotiation for my lawyer:
• Required/Court Ordered Therapy for Spouse
• % Veterans Education Benefits
• % of Military Pension
• % of Civilian Pension
• Monthly Rental of Storage Facility
• Payment of 100% of my legal fees

I totally agree with Jersey. You need to give yourself some time to sort your emotions first. Emotional thinking isn't the smartest route - you're more likely to agree to something that you don't really want just to make yourself feel better quicker.

Yes, it seems to me that you are not that far along in this process... and should wait a while still, but be prepared for whatever comes.

Luke

I do want my M, but it this point, it is hopeless because he attached to OW, even though he tells me that he is not with her. The VAR says otherwise. He is empathizing with her crying because she is also married and telling my H things about her H.

He remembers all of my faults, never counts his own, and believes that he can have a life with the OW. Does she not have shortcomings? Does H think about the long term impacts of seeing someone at work? This is a pattern with him. Can he not ask himself why does he do this? Why does he lie to his wife and supposedly "best friend"? Why does he protect OW interest instead of mine? They have lustful emotions for each other. When that dies, what happens next?

I don't know how to get him to stop taking divorce. He says we need to talk about divorce and that he does not want to think about us, because he does not want to be married to me.

How can I fight that?

Realize that a lot of this is emotion and frustration and not rational on his part. Have you read DR or DB?

Luke

It's not hopeless. Lots of marriages have survived infidelity.



Standard WAS script. I know it's tough, but many others have been through this too, and a lot of those marriages were saved.



You'll never get satisfactory answers to these or any other questions about him. WAS's are in a fog and don't think clearly, they're acting on emotions and don't even know why themselves.



You can't fight it, and trying to do so will just make him mad. The best thing to do is to never bring it up. "Act as if" everything is fine, that you are perfectly OK with the way things are. He wants a D? You say "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand your position." Don't argue/ disagree/ fight/ negotiate. Just validate and leave it alone.

Well, I roped myself into a discussion (argument) with spouse. I tried not to respond. We had dinner and he is talking about work and then he asks about when we can have conversation about D. I said that I was sorry he felt that way, but he can talk to my lawyer if he wanted convo on D. Well, he got angry and said that if that is how i wanted to "play it" then either one of us could go for anything from each other in the D. He also said the D was going to happen whether I liked it or not.

Well I blew it and mentioned the OW and how he was a liar and a cheater. He is suppose to be a officer and that he had no moral values. (yes, I know it was wrong, but I was so emotional). I also told him that if he could not be honest with me about his affair then yes of course he would have been unhappy with me because he has been living a 2 life lie - one where he wants folks to believe and trust in his honesty and integrity and the other where he is bonking the OW and being secretive and dishonest in carrying on an illicit affair with a married woman with children. The OW H is also a state patrolman.

I was so upset with him, that I threw a shoe at him because he wanted to hurt me, so I told him not some closer so I threw a shoe.

He stopped and just sat on the couch and asked how much longer I was going to "lecture" him. I then quieted down - well we both did and he just hugged his knees and rocked back and forth a bit. This was probably the first and last argument heated argument between us, because I am done with his lying and cheating. He also has an issue with watching porn, but I have never exposed that. I told him that his OW was using him and that I have been a friend (not just a wife) to him for years on end. I admitted my faults but that he added up my concern and care for him, he would be able to see the difference. Well he told me he is happier being a liar and cheat because he didn't have to think about me or my feelings.

He has lied and cheated on me with this OW for the last year even after coming home telling me that he could not live without me. I feel so unloved and pitiful. I have allowed him to cheat and lie to me for months!!

He makes me feel like I am the most gullible woman on earth and one who didn't deserve to be truthful with. That is why I got so upset tonight, but of course his reaction is "see how you are acting!". But he was the ne who was threatening in that I didn't or don't agree to his every word, which I think I did by saying I am sorry that he felt that way and told him to call my lawyer. Well he doesn't want to go the lawyer for anything but an agreed upon settlement because of the expense. He then also told me that he would call the security department at his job and let them know that I may do something to harm him - not physically, but through defamation (sp??) of character. What? Is he kidding? HE is HAVING and affair and I am the one who is insane???? The A$$ho!e!!!.. He is never going to be able to see how he has treated me without warrant and how he has spoke to me with the most carelessness.

I am not sure what is going on, but he says that he now needs to make coffee at home in the mornings to save money. And the fact that he is pushing for me to by him out of the house is also troubling because I think he wants to take care of OW. She wouldn't be able to move with him or from her H without monetary support and he is willing to give up this house that he spent years building with his own hands. Baffling!!!

Well I was calm by the end of the conversation and h was just like a kid with his knees up and his head on his knees. I told him that I was his friend and apologized for getting upset, but we both pushed each others buttons tonight. He did not respond, but just sat that. I apologized again, wished him a good night and came up to bed to post.

So, I can take it......I reacted badly to him didn't I?

You know, I've had friends of my W come to me and say, "Wow, man, how in the world did you ever fall in love with this woman!?!?!"

That's exactly how I feel about the way you just described your H - what in the world?

That being said - you probably got mad in the 'best' way possible. I kinda like that you pretty much told him how it is. That being said, you've gotten it off your chest, and it's hanging in the air, regain your PMA, your calm, your GALing, whatever it is. Find somewhere to be, and something to do!

The friends that he does have think he is this great guy, but if they were flies on the wall of our home, they would probably never want to interact with him again. I need to not let him push my buttons. I need to forgot about what is going with him and find myself a life that makes me happy. He wants to live in his fog/fantasy. And he calls me child!

While I hated how I responded to H tonight, I think I have been harboring some deep "heated" emotions about his affairs and I forgave him last time... I guess I feel like an idiot for loving a man who continues to lie to me and himself.

I was reading a bible lesson on having balance between faith and conduct. When these 2 are out of sync, or unbalanced, you can never experience happiness. Well my H is living out of balance because his conduct (having affairs, lying, betrayal, and deceit) conflicts with who he project to the world.

And HE DOES NOW it. How shameful that he is too mush of a narcissist to realize it. Thank you all so much for the support.

THAT was the PERFECT opportunity to validate. "I'm sorry this makes you angry, that's not my intention. The only reason I'm involving a L is I can't think clearly on this and I need to make sure my rights are protected just as you need to make sure yours are. Rather than the two of us arguing about this let's work through our lawyers and let them argue it out."



LOTS of anger there. Anger comes from a place of pain, but as long as you let that pain convert into anger you will NEVER address the underlying pain. Instead you'll live constantly in a place of pain, always angry, never feeling better. You need to learn to process the pain, to work through it instead of ignoring it. Are you seeing an IC? If not you should consider one. Also try reading The Happiness Trap.



You were out of control, and now you want to blame him for it. Please see this for what it is- abusive behavior.



If you are done with him and want a D then that's certainly your choice, but these anger issues you're having still need to be addressed or they will follow you right into the next R.



99% of men watch porn and the other 1% lie about it. Sure it's a problem if he watches it every waking hour or at work or something, but if he just watches some now and then, well I hope you're not expecting to find some guy out there that doesn't have this "problem".



He's the one having an affair, not you. The guilt is his to bear.