Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife moved out, won't come back home

Give it a rest djharm.

You "forced" her to kiss you. She said in C that she felt pressured by you. She didn't want the kiss. That's molestation.

The issue is that YOU find these things positive when she doesn't. You're still being selfish and thinking only of yourself. That's what you don't get.

But hey if you'd rather argue and insult the people on the boards who try to help you.

"You heap so much self-guilt on yourselves that I guarantee you, no woman would want such a feeble, self-doubting man so devoid of self-confidence and direction."

That's you being an @$$.

"And 8k posts, my God, what in the world do you have time to do outside of posting here? Are you even still married?"

Yes I am still married and it's still to my FIRST wife. This is your second right? And yes I've read your past and you're still just as egotistical as ever. I've spent the time helping others and paying it forward from what I and others have learned. You want to spend the time insulting those who try to help you, well that's your right. It's not going to save your M though.

dj, i was also going to add that MrBond and Jon are only offering a way for you to see a different view, other than what you are seeing. Seeing things from a different perspective can be invaluable. It doesn't always mean you had to agree with it either.

You don't have to heed their advice, of course, but no need to be harsh on them either. They are only here to help.

Dj, are you coming here for help, or just to vent? If you are coming for help, listen to the folks who are trying to help you. If it's to vent, find a different place.



A piece of paper doesn't give you the right to exert your will on another. While it doesn't sound bad, kissing your wife, her resisting and you forcing, certainly does.




Really? You think it's self guilt? Or do you think we're all at fault and those of us who have taken the time to see our faults are in the wrong?




Yes, clearly you do...because everything you have stated says physical contact is your LL, and you'll push as far as you can to get it. But what is your W's LL?

Here's a hint...it's not physical contact.

Hmmm, well based on what you described it doesn't sound like your W was very receptive to any of this. One of the DB'ing principals is to remove all pressure from the WAS because pressure usually makes them push away harder. It encourages them to take action whether that's S or D. Applying pressure comes in the form of pushing for physical contact, coercing them into MC, trying to get them to talk about the M (which is inevitable in MC), trying to get them to talk about a future together, saying ILY, etc. So what you're describing above is pressure. Don't get mad about the advice you're getting, at the end of the day it's totally up to you whether to follow it or not. If we're all honest, most (if not all) of us did not get into DB'ing willingly. DB'ing goes against human nature. We want to pressure and pursue because it feels right. But as has been proven over and over again, pressure and pursuit never works with a WAS, and that's why we have DB'ing.

That said, if you want to keep doing what you're doing then that is your prerogative, just monitor your W's reactions and if the reactions are negative, consider trying something else.

As a female reader i thought it was outrageous that you forced a kiss a rubbed her leg in counseling. It seems extraordinarily insensitive to her feelings about you. Unwanted pda is very off-putting. Just wanted to add my take in case you didnt believe it coming from mr B.

How is it that your lack of communication was caused by a house 'she just had to have'? You are placing 100% of the blame on her with this statement and it clearly is not realistic that all of your problems were caused by a house and her choice to live in it. Considering it is your second M, have you entertained the thought that you may have some growing to do?



Afairs, as in multiple?



Your wife gave up trying because you were drinking and cheating and this made it very difficult for you?



Things weren't OK, she had simply given up. If you wanted desperately to be close to her why would you tell her you were going out to meet someone who 'really wanted to be with you'? Especially when she knew you had already cheated?



Please do not try to blame your problems on your wife's depression. Of course she is down (this does not mean she is clinically depressed), she is living with someone who drinks too much, gets in alcohol fueled rages and cheats on her. She probably has no idea what she wants. Even if part of her wants to remain with you she is probably afraid to even try.



Why were you disappointed? Do you think this will fix all of your problems?



You have cheated on her and abused her and you are upset that after 3 weeks of being a 'new person' she isn't giving you anything?



You have to be willing to look at yourself and work on your own issues if you want a decent R with anyone, not just your W. If you 'get back on Match and be through with this', it is only a matter of time before you are here again.



From what I have read, you should be grateful she is still 10% in.



She left you or she left to take care of her dying father?



I have no idea why the C is trying to get her to come back already when you haven't accepted any responsibility and don't appear at all inclined to change. Do you understand why she doesn't want to come back? Do you realize that as the one who cheated it is mostly your responsibility to show her the changes and get the M back on track? You are waiting for her to do it and that's not going to work.



As opposed to how easy it has been for her to live with your drinking and cheating?



Ummm, do you have any issues to work through or just your W?



Which effort are you referring to? You haven't wanted to show up, you have blamed her for everything, you are upset that she isn't ready to come back home and you want to be done with all of this and get back on Match.



3 sessions doesn't even begin to scratch the surface. You have hurt your W as deeply as possible with multiple A's. You have to make it up to her and not wait for her to make it up to you. Do you understand the damage you have done? I am not saying it is 100% your fault, however, to read your statements and cavalier attitude toward her 'lack of effort' and your 'lack of progress' it appears you are either downplaying the impact of this to almost nothing or you are in complete denial about what you have done in your M.



You would be 100% in control of your own self improvement



Ewww. I would be completely disgusted if my H MADE me kiss him when we were in your position. What were you trying to prove? It shows a complete disregard for her feelings and it makes you a bully.



Why should she be forced to go on a date with you when you haven't shown any interest in working on yourself. Again you are ready to give up and walk away because she isn't where you want her to be. Do you have any idea how long this is going to take? You have to become a different person and then prove to her it is real. This is going to take a lot more than a few weeks if you want to gain her trust and have a better M from here on out.



Double ewww. Squeezing a boob is rarely a turn on for women unless it is in the right, playful context, and it clearly wasn't. Please refrain from doing that again because it will not help you in any way. Also, why should she bother to resist when you will just force her to kiss you anyway. Based on the C session you had where she was resisting going on a date, do not take this as a sign that she is turned on. From a female perspective I can say that is highly unlikely.



Again you are making her out to be the bad guy in this scenario. She tried to 'shade it as that' or this is something you have done before and you know she doesn't like it? She probably thinks you are going away to be with someone else.



Exactly


This may all sound harsh, however, reading it from an outsiders perspective puts it in a clearer light for us than for you. Unless and until you can truly look at your own actions, learn from them, grow, and develop some patience, it will be futile to go to C. You need to read these posts objectively and imagine it is a strangers M; what would you say to the H who is in complete denial about his role, is upset that his W isn't willing to come back after 3 weeks (even though he cheated more than once,and became very aggressive when drinking) and who was forcing physical attention on her?

Still around?

I honestly hope you're still on the boards. lovethehub has a number of great points and I hope you listen to them. But like I said it's your M, not ours.

I agree with Mr. Bond! lovethehub made A LOT of great points.

djharm, what is the point of you trying to save your marriage when it seems like you already are looking for the next wife?

Just my opinion, but it would do you well to seriously ponder why you want to be married and how you can work on being a better YOU.

And, the vets on these boards have great advice with perspectives that we can't always see ourselves when we're so close to a situation. Their insight is invaluable.

If you don't want honest advice, don't look here.

And, from a woman's standpoint, the physical stuff you did to your wife was WAY over the line.

Still around.

Eating crow.

Apologies for emotionally charged rant.

Too embarrassed to post.