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Today I learned that one of the OW works at the gym I train at. :-/

I'm just so confused and hurt. This is not the man I once knew. He once was a good man, a man of positive influence and high moral character.

I'm expecting a call from H sometime today. He texted and said that he wants to share something that is on his heart, something he feels I deserve to know. In case he comes cleans about the OW whom he has been dating for about 2 months and is in love with (found love letter), how should I respond? If he says something about filing for D, what would be a good response?

I would stay calm (break down later if you need to, scream and yell at your pillow). Listen and empathize, you do not have to respond to anything immediately. You can let him know you do not want to respond right now you want to think about it first. Come here and post what is said before reacting.

OK, so you're feeling dignified, respectable and detached, that's great!!



Oops! OK, not so detached after all How is is that knowing OW works at the same gym has made you question your H's integrity? Is it because knowing she works there has now made her more "real"? Regarding H's integrity, it's very likely he's not who you thought he was. All of us are sinners, some sins are small and some are great but we all do wrongs. Some of us can put up amazing facades that feign high moral character, but behind that facade is just another sinner. I'm not trying to justify his affairs, I'm just saying you may have had a false perception of who he was and now you see him for who he really is. The question you have to ask yourself is can you love and remain married to the flawed person he really is.

AS, you're right. I did/do have a false perception of my H. My H's career was built on family and our faith, in fact he is well known in the Christian community for his "unique" talent. In hindsight, I see that I too believed he was perfect and became self-righteous when he fell short. I CAN love and remain married to someone that is flawed and that my expecting perfection is so false and also I can't behave as a junior Holy Spirt. I see now that I expected way too much from my H and grew bitter and unforgiving anytime he fell short of what I believed a good Christian H should look and behave like, ie "a good H would come home from work at a decent hour not 10pm, a good H would call his W to let her know he is running late, a good H would not need to be partying at bars until 2 or 4am." You get the picture. I'm not suggesting that I should tolerate all of my H's behavior, however the way I responded to it was not appropriate. I fought, argued, nagged and wore him down with guilt--I can see why he was looking for an escape from that contentiousness.

subguy, so far I haven't heard from H. I've thought this over and considered the following responses:

To admission of OW:
"Are you happy? I just want what's best for you."

If D is brought up:
"I'm disappointed to hear but I do share partial responsibility for the failure of our marriage. I trust you will do what's right. Regardless, I'm here for you."

I need to listen to H, empathize and stick to script repeating it over and over.

Why ask that, he's not happy he's faking it? Can you think of a response that validates but does not sound condescending?

Acknowledging the other woman without blowing up is probably enough for the first admission(not accepting just acknowledging). Are you going to set any boundaries about other woman and if so are you going to bring them up? What are your boundaries going to be?



Again that sounds condescending, just acknowledge his feelings. He is hurting and realize he is in a crisis. It sure makes it easier to deal with them. When I look at it like a crisis it makes me to no want to chicken choke her lol. jkjk!!

I think AS uses the squirrel analogy. When trying to feed a scared squirrel do you ran at them throwing food or do you sit patiently waiting for them to come to you? It's tough work, you'll need a lot of conviction and backbone but you can do this.

Spoke with H last night. Conversation began light as we discussed my upcoming birthday plans and Easter. He expressed that he wished he could be here.

Then he changed gears and shared that he wanted to be honest about something. He admitted to dating when we initially separated and that he has been "talking" to someone for about a month--in reality, he has been seeing OW for 2 months (my H is a celebrity and I've seen pics online to prove it and I've read a love letter from her when the kids and I last visited him). I thanked him for his honesty and acknowledged that it's not easy sharing this kind of news. One issue my H has with me, is that I often dismiss him when it comes to discussing challenging things, I basically do not give him a safe place to be heard or accepted. No wonder he ran looking for validation with other women, and there were plenty available because of his line of work. Throughout the call I listened and empathized with him.

Another issue H has with me, is that I often react in an unreasonable retaliatory way to things that he does that hurt me. For example, I turned off his credit cards once when he was traveling when I found out about an EA. Did I have a right to be angry, absolutely. But, I should have handled my reaction in a better way. H shared that he was concerned I would withhold the kids from him after learning this news. I empathized with him and explained that it wouldn't affect him visiting the kids.

All in all, the call ended well and I can sense he was relieved and taken back by my calm and pleasant reaction.

Today, H texts the following and I have yet to respond:
"I just wanted to thank you for listening to me last night. I know it wasn't really something you wanted to hear and it was really hard to share...But I feel like the more honest I can be with you, the better we can be. I still don't know what the future holds but I really appreciate you."

I have yet to respond because I don't want to appear too eager because "I've let go" and I haven't found the right words. Thoughts anyone...

Just respond.

"You're welcome. I understand why you're doing what you're doing and that you have feelings for this other person. I just hope that one day you'll have those feelings for me again."

And end it. Then don't pursue or make it seem like you're "waiting" for him.

Hi, I've been DB-ing successfully for a few weeks and seeing improved communication between H and I. I learned earlier this week that he is going on vacation with OW next month. Today, he invited the kids and I on vacation to Disney World in June. My family is of the opinion this is a bad idea, in their words "how can he miss you if you're available whenever he wants". Thoughts anyone?

Just a reminder of our sitch, H lives in another state for work at the time and does not see myself or kids often, about twice a month.