It just seems as though he is really done. He words tell me so. He wants to get away from me and I haven't even seen him in 2 weeks.
He has hurt me beyond words for no reason. He has treated me like a stranger and not the wife/friend that cooked for him, cleaned for him, took care of him when he was sick, I was always on his team, and basically took care of his needs everyday. I am so sorry that he feel compelled to proceed with his life this way without closure. But I reviewed and updated the PSA. I meet with the lawyer tomorrow.
Am I crazy to still think and have faith in maybe a possible recon down the line? It is just difficult to accept that he is done.......He wants to be with OW and he is treating our marriage like it was just a business arrangement without LOVE having been a part of it too.
OLD THREAD: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380569#Post2380569
Me: 44 Him: 51 Married: 9 years Together: 14 years
This is still very much script - my XW1 and I have been separated/divorced for almost 8 years, and she is still miserable. She hates her job, her life, her time with the kids - she will literally call me in tears asking me to switch time with her. She has a guy she says she is in love with, but after 2 years, she's never committed to even living with him, let alone thinking about marrying.
I actually sort of like the boyfriend - he refs my S11's football games, and is a quiet dedicated kind of guy. But XW1 is still so messed up, she can't commit to him. Being divorced from me - the evil horrible bad guy - she is no better relationally than she was WITH me, and she's had 8 years to think about it.
She'd NEVER reconsider reconciling with me, and frankly, neither would I; after four years of DB'ing. But it goes to show, OP and "freedom" aren't what they're cracked up to be.
I just finished a very loud crying fit followed by an irate lash out at God and everyone of our friends for not intervening. I needed to get my frustrations and disappointment out. The conflict between right and wrong, between business and emotion, and hate and love. I was experiencing all of these during my cry/rant.
refreshing as it was to get it out, immediately I felt guilt and remorse for my tone toward God and friends. This is what THIS does to us. Makes us question our very "sane" sanity.
Well based on my prayer of forgiveness to God, I must work on settling my thoughts with peace when or IF I have to speak to husband. I need to develop the breastplate or armour so that none of my Husband's arrows or shots can ever reach me. Well, I am looking into renting a townhome. There would be too many memories here.
Thank you all for the continued encouragement.
OLD THREAD: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380569#Post2380569
Me: 44 Him: 51 Married: 9 years Together: 14 years
I hope you read my Long post to you, & gave it some thought.
Turning the focus on YOU is a two prong approach.
It's the best thing to do if the marriage really is over
And
It's also the most appealing way you can present yourself to him. So if there is a chance for a reconciliation, you're maximizing the chances of it... Always be upbeat w/ a PMA around him.
I KNOW Its hard.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
This is so hard. And I cannot do this - there are no answers to why. I give up.
Thank you, but everyday I cry, everyday I hurt and there is nothing but overwhelming emotion. We are suppose to seal emotion away and not all it into our heart. The institution of marriage is just a concept, an idea and the act of marriage itself is nothing more than an illusion, a mirage that is easily given up on.
The left behind party has no recourse, no help. Something so important that binds people because of a deep love and affection for the care of the one they love - I cannot have the love I desire, I cannot desire what I love. What point is there in anything. I give up - because there is nothing that my love can do to change anything.
OLD THREAD: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380569#Post2380569
Me: 44 Him: 51 Married: 9 years Together: 14 years
There is not more kindness no more love no anything left for me. Here is the email I received today... It is over.... cry
There is hope until YOU decide not to hold it in your heart anymore. It is YOUR choice to hope or not hope. WASs ALWAYS speak in absolutes, there is nothing unusual about him telling you he is done. There's a WAW lady that used to post here named Mandy that sat down and told her S'd H to quit waiting and move on because she was definitely NEVER going back to him. Her H did move on and shortly after Mandy started missing him and reaching out to him and wanting to work on the M again. The WAW became the LBS. She changed her mind, and your H can too. He already has several times before, so in your case there's a precedence.
Quote:
Life is over.
You had a life before your H, you didn't meet him until you were 30, right? Was it a bad life? I imagine not, I imagine you were strong, independent, self-sufficient, and happy! Those are probably the things that attracted your H to you to begin with. So why do you think now that you cannot have a life without your H? You did before and you can again. How do I know? Because I am LIVING PROOF. Not only have I survived BS and S and lead-up to D, but I am happier and more content than I've been in years, since well before BD. And you will be too, you just have to be patient.
Quote:
This is so hard. And I cannot do this - there are no answers to why. I give up.
You CAN do this. These feelings you are experiencing are very strong, but they are TEMPORARY!
Quote:
Thank you, but everyday I cry, everyday I hurt and there is nothing but overwhelming emotion.
Go see your PCP and get evaluated for depression. It's normal in our sitches to feel pain and to cry, but if you tip to the extreme, and especially if you're considering suicide, then it's not normal and you need medical intervention.
Quote:
The left behind party has no recourse, no help.
The LBS has complete and total control over their life, but it takes a while after BD to realize the truth in that statement.
This is so hard. And I cannot do this - there are no answers to why. I give up.
Well, I agree with the part where you said "there are no answers why", in the sense that it's pointless to try figuring out why. Is there really an answer that would satisfy your curiosity? I cannot imagine an answer that is painless.
Rather than repeating myself again, let's just remember that you have to make this about YOUR LIFE and living it well, with or without him. Yes, it's that simple. I said "simple", NOT EASY... but not complicated.
When you say that life is over without him, I would assume that it must have felt like a burden for him to be responsible for your life and happiness.
But surely you did not mean that literally. And you married rather late in life. Were you never ever happy before you met him? Remember who you were when he fell in love with you?
Go find that woman again. Let her resurface without the pain and FEAR I sense in you.
Thank you, but everyday I cry, everyday I hurt and there is nothing but overwhelming emotion. We are suppose to seal emotion away and not all it into our heart.
What does this mean? Why do you say you have to seal your emotion away? Who said that?
All we are telling you is that you CANNOT SHOW HIM your emotion all the time. He KNOWS how you feel.
What he does NOT know is that you can change. See, the only way a WAS comes back to the LBS is
if & when the WAS believes that marriage to the LBS
can be better/different than before.
Your job is to SHOW him that. Not to argue or plead or cry or emote or wallow...
but to become a different woman than the woman who is chronically dissatisfied with her marriage and h.
IF, and I repeat IF, you really have been as loving to him as you can be and he's still disappointed you,
then maybe he's NOT the man for you to be married to. I mean, if you were a wife with few or zero flaws, if you were super wonderful, then he's a fool and there's nothing you can do.
But if you have issues to work on, THEN DO YOUR WORK...and let the cards fall where they fall.
The institution of marriage is just a concept, an idea and the act of marriage itself is nothing more than an illusion, a mirage that is easily given up on.
MNS,
he THINKS he has tried. And what that has meant to YOU has been his adultery and your attempts at reconciling...and neither of you really forgiving.
Avoid making sweeping generalizations. Maybe marriage is merely a concept to him but what difference does that make to YOUR WORK? Really.
Aren't you wanting to become a woman only a fool would leave? Let's get to that part.
And the GAL and the 180s....what are they? I still don't know a 180 of yours. I just sense you spinning your wheels and getting more frustrated.
What are you DOING differently?
The left behind party has no recourse, no help. I completely disagree with this^^. In fact, I'm proof that it's false.
MNS, I probably won't post to you b/c I sense I'm not getting anywhere. I don't seem able to reach you. I don't know if you actually read the Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy books...I can't tell.
It's NOT a threat and I'm not angry. I don't even know you.
But I have posted LENGTHY pieces to you that were time consuming and from what I can see, I honestly doubt you read them. Not one comment from you shows an insight there...like you just want to keep telling him to come home b/c you "want/need/expect/him to."
Hey, I reconciled with my h. It was not easy. It took a lot more of me than I ever knew I had in me.
I am telling you that your best chance is NOT some magical sentence to SAY or one gesture to do. The "secret" to this, is letting go and still trusting that you'll be alright b/c you are worthy of that and willing to get yourself there. (That's attractive!).
Have you gotten any perspective on this? Come on, You're not a weak little girl. You are a strong smart competent WOMAN.
You need to get a grip on yourself. Stand taller in your shoes. Be a woman only a fool would leave. Act with dignity and strength in the face of adversity. That's a real life test. Pass it!
IN TIME, sure he will recall the good times. YES the loving memories will resurface.****IF YOU LET THEM...b/c
The more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend the choices. Stop that now.
Act as if you accept his choices, even if you don't. Read those "rules" again...
You want him to discover things on his own b/c you cannot force the discoveries upon him. You can't stand behind his shoulder to tell him where the puzzle pieces go. He has to figure this out himself.
Trust me, if you could "make" some love you, one of us would have figured it out and sold the recipe.
Something so important that binds people because of a deep love and affection for the care of the one they love - I cannot have the love I desire, I cannot desire what I love. What point is there in anything. I give up - because there is nothing that my love can do to change anything.
MNS, are you talking to a professional about this?
You sound profoundly depressed and hey, we all relate.
There's nothing wrong with getting help when you need it. Been there, done that. I took ADs too. I'm not ashamed to admit it and am glad that help is available.
The "crazy' thing to do is not get help when you need it. It's alright to reach out for it. But do make the call. You don't have to feel this way forever. We are here to say that regardless of outcome, things do get better.
You know,
The really hard thing to realize, the weird thing to accept, the concept so many find foreign,
is that in reality, all of it is up to US.
You will make the changes - when you make them.
Keep on keeping on
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have an IC and I see her tomorrow. I know that I have been going into my "pit" of refuge and that it is not helping. But I have also been a good wife, and I know not perfect, but then again nothing is perfect. I thought I was a woman that only a fool would leave, but the H doesn't see it that way.
I know that I can live without him, I just would prefer not to. I was very independent and growing in my career when I met my H. But I am older, he is older. He wants something different. He feels stale and that he should be happier than he is. He is not coming back he says so I should get use to it.
I haven't had time to GAL within the last couple of days because of work. It is the government year end and now the shutdown. I am heavily involved in both. However, I did GAL this weekend with meeting up with friends, getting back into baking and I attended church for fellowship with others (I have not done that in years).
I am very grateful for the advice I receive here and I didn't want anyone to think I am not working toward my OWN recovery of this situation, but it is hard and I backslide. It will be a long road, but I know that I can make it. Again, sometimes the "pit" calls me.
I started to feel better because I didn't look at his emails since Sunday until today. I received 5 emails within the last 2 days and I have not responded to any. However, I fear that if I don't respond, he will be MAD. The emails are related to the one thing I always asked him before he left was why he was doing this? Well his recent emails indicate that he does not want to talk about the relationship until after we sign a PSA. Your thoughts on these emails??
1st email: You must understand by now. I don't need to say it all again. After all the fights, the arguments, and even the few calm discussions over the past months and years, after everything I've said, time and time again, there's absolutely no reason for you not to understand - none of it should be a surprise - either you weren't listening to me all those times, or you've chosen to block it out. For the last time, I don't want to talk about the relationship or the reasons for the divorce. Let's get down to business, it's time for us to separate ourselves and our stuff, to come to an agreement on how to do so.
How did your discussion with the lawyer go today? What advice or recommendations did he have for us and/or the PSA? Let's work together to get this done right. Thanks.
2nd email: Once we've worked through the PSA, agreed and signed, because of our friendship, we can talk about it all, but not until then.
3rd email: please understand that it is not my intention to hurt your feelings or be adversarial to you in any way. Your lack of response to my last email appears to me to be intentional, and this kind of behavior points to one of the reasons why we cannot be together. My intent is not to be hurtful, but to be clear. We have to work together to get the PSA done. We have to decide what I'm going to take from the house to my apartment a week and a half from now. Once we've worked through the PSA, agreed and signed it, if you'd like me to explain to you again all the reasons why this has to happen, for the sake of you finding closure, then we can arrange a time and place to do that.
The reason I don’t want and have not wanted to rehash all the relationship history right now is because I believe the reason you DO want to discuss it is to try and force a different outcome, and that's not going to happen. I don't want to keep hurting your feelings over and over again with the same words.
I have been firm with you, because every time I’m not, I fear you interpret what I’m saying as an indication that there’s a chance we’ll reconcile. There is no chance of that, which is why I’m saying that for now, right now, we need to focus our energies on getting through this transition and getting the PSA done.
4th email: I just took a look at some of yours edits on the list of furniture and stuff at the back of the PSA like you asked. I see that you made a few changes, but not many. I hadn't done anything to that list since 2009 - when I had intended on keeping the house. The division of the furniture and such was predicated on that. I hope you didn't interpret that list to be what I intended now. With you presumably keeping the house there's probably more furniture that should switch sides in that list. I think there are some pieces of furniture that make sense to keep with the house, other not so much. You struck out a number of things on your side of the list but didn't write them in on mine - was that your intent, for me to take the things that you struck out on your side of the list? We should probably assign notional dollar values to everything on the list - to be sure we're being as fair as practicable. Your thoughts?
5th email: p.s., That last revision to the PSA cost me $518 with my lawyer. Neither of us can afford to keep going through our lawyers to do this - like I said - That will cost us thousands.... Let's get it the way we want it - mutually agree to it and then our lawyers can polish it up for us. Please work with me.
I am not sure how to respond. I just don't to come off as if I am ignoring him. Yesterday was a busy day and I did not get home until after 8 pm last night and went to bed. This morning I had to get up early to renew my car registration and then had to head into work. Need advice. frown
OLD THREAD: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2380569#Post2380569
Me: 44 Him: 51 Married: 9 years Together: 14 years
Explain that work is an issue right now and that there is nothing earth shattering that needs to be decided this minute. that your life no longer is contingent on his schedule. No one is going to jail if it is not resolved right now.
That is my two cents...
“Things turn out best for the people who make the best out of the way things turn out” ― Art Linkletter
TRY RESPONDING, so you don't get an ugly surprise.
"H,
I promise I do not wish to drag this out. I understand you want out of the marriage. Yes, if I had it to do over again, there are many things I'd do differently, but it seems to late for that now. I accept that you want this.
However, the PSA itself is something I'm working on with my L, and when my L tells me we are ready, legally, I will sign it as quickly as I can.
I hope all is well with you."
Of course I am presuming you DO have a L, right? And how long can they really take "perusing" the PSA?
You cannot stop the divorce. Slowing it down sure seems to annoy him. But fwiw, I have two family members who divorced, only to reconcile years later. FIve years later to be exact, but it was better the second time around. OF course in those two cases, both parties in each couple did a lot of work on themselves and really changed and did it without the goal of reconciling.
So yes, it happens.
Like I said, the more you challenge his choices, the more you force him to defend them
or in this case the more he refuses to discuss anything with you.
I think he sounds resolute. He sure seems to believes he HAS told you things you either "blocked out" or didn't believe.
Can you now recall some of those things? And is he correct in saying you two argued a lot?
From your own words, I sensed a lot of dissatisfaction expressed by you to him so I assume there were fights. Is that what he's referring to?
What would you change in yourself if you two were to reconcile?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
