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I agree that she won't experience the new F if they never have any contact.

I do think in some sitches that the LBS will be missed at some point whether they are there in person or not.
My W is going away for xmas with either OM2 or her parents. I don't know for sure but I am fairly confident that at some point she will wonder what it if I was there. OM2 isn't their father and has no idea how look after S4. Similar for her parents. They might help out every now and then but they aren't getting up every day when the kids rise.


When I said:
"It's at times like this where certain ideas clash in DB."
I was more meaning the idea's on this board for what works and should have said as much.

Right now F is following Sandi's advice as much to the letter as he can.

Fartiltre, Hope your doing well. Still on moderation, so more when I get off :-)

Received an email from W this morning

Hey you
I hope you are recovering well :-)

Will it be all right if I put the Ds appointment’s in your calendar? – also when they stay with me?

I think it will be nice for you to know what they are doing/have done when they are here.

Have a nice day
Autosignature at bottom
(She also put two appointments in my calendar.)

According to my last posts from yesterday I am thinking about an answer something like the below, but I am afraid to pi$$ her to much off! I need the Christmas and money issue solved now but the rest can wait and if I wait a month it will make no difference to me. So I am wondering if I should just get it all done at once or only address the urgent matters.
Thoughts, comments, advice???

Hey

Thanks for mail! I am better and next week the stiches goes out :-)

I don’t think you should put appointments in my calendar when the girls are at my place so please drop me a mail instead. I will be great if you send the appointments to me but do not expect me to accept them. I don’t want my calendar filled with appointments that I am not attending. I would very much like to see them so the thoungt is super – I want to know what happens in Ds life.

Also please avoid signing up the girls for regular stuff like gym or scout when they are at my place – without us talking about it first. I don’t think we should disappoint them unnecessary and if stuff can’t be done there is no need for them to know anything about it. I do hope you agree.

And then a few practicals – we can also take these on phone but here they are:
I need for you to move your exchange account to another place in near future, so I can shut it down in here. Please let me know when you are done moving it.

X has billed us and it should be paid now. Will you transfer half or should I just deduct the amount from childcare?

There are several items out here that belongs to you and as I go through the place more will come. I will bring a little every time I drop of the bags and just put it in the shed. All your stuff, including the things in the barn, will have to be gone before spring so please prepare for that.

You have some of my items that I would like back. Please look into this.

Finally a little about Christmas and New Year. We haven’t agreed on this and it is properly best done on the phone but here’s some thought’s that we can talk about next time we talk. I would like this planned rather quickly.

I would like for the girls to be here when S10 is. That means that I hope they can be here for Christmas and at your place for New Year. Next year we switch. It is my opinion that girls shouldn’t switch place on Christmas day (dec. 24) and first Christmas day (dec. 25) like we have discussed it around S10 and I think the experiences from S10 should also count for the girls.
The girls are at my place from the 18. December, but if you would like to see them a day or two before Christmas that’s totally understandable and we can work something out around the 22. and/or 23. December.

Then we can switch back on second Christmas day. (her birthday) That will give you a birthday morning every second year and a birthday evening every second year – I hope that’s all right.
If you get the Ds second Christmas day, then according to schedule, they will come home on the 1. January. If you have any plans we can talk about this and if you would like for the Ds to be with me on New Year just let me know.

That’s my thoughts
Talk to you soon

F

What does she mean putting appointments on your calendar? Does she have access to your mobile/electronic calendar?

Wow!

Sandi,

She does!

I manage an Exchange server for employees and made an account for W. Totally smart when together but not anymore.
I have locked her out so she can only see her own calendar by know but I don't feel like managing her mail account and calendar. Moving this account won’t be that pleasant for her but I don't want her in my company's server anymore! It can wait but it will have to be done!

What are your thoughts on my letter?

Fist of all, I think you need to break your email into two separate ones. I wouldn't bring up the subject of Christmas in your answer to her putting appointments on your calendar.

BTW, did I miss the part from her wanting to put the dates the girls would be at your place? Anyway, let me "attempt" my version of an answer to her.

Hey

[b]Thanks for mail! I am better and next week the stiches goes out :-)


I prefer you not put appointments in my calendar when the girls are at my place. I want to know what happens in D's life, however, I don’t want my calendar filled with appointments that I am not attending. It would be super if you would notify me by email. Also, let me know in advance whenever we need to discuss possible future activities (such as scouts, gym, etc.) that would take place when they would be staying at my place. We don't want to disappoint them unnecessarily by not being able to get stuff done. I hope you agree.

And then a few practicals – we can also take these on phone but here they are:
I need for you to move your exchange account to another place in near future, so I can shut it down in here. Please let me know when you are done moving it.

X has billed us and it should be paid now. Will you transfer half or should I just deduct the amount from childcare?

There are several items out here that belongs to you and as I go through the place more will come. I will bring a little every time I drop of the bags and just put it in the shed. All your stuff, including the things in the barn, will have to be gone before spring so please prepare for that.

You have some of my items that I would like back. Could you look into it, please?

Thanks
Talk to you soon

F

She most certainly should not have access to your calendar! In fact, I'm hoping this might be a little eye opener for her.

The only parts of your letter I changed is italicized.

Wait until you get a response until you send one about holiday plans. She doesn't need to get all that at once.

Much better wording, thanks! It is hard with the translation but I get your points! Thanks!
I will sleep on it and properly send it tomorrow.


I am not sure I understand this question?
The GS was arranged before she moved out but after BD. Few weeks ago she signed up D4 for gym but afterwards D4 told that she didnt like it and stopped. Gym was on wednesdays and thereby every second time in "my" time and she W didnt ask.
Is this what you mean?

When can I bring up the Christmas stuff - I would like to get it done so I can speak with neighbors.
Should this be done on the phone instead?

F

Did not see your second post until now - I will do that!

After I reread what you wrote, I don't think I understand my question, either. No problem, just pretend I didn't ask it.

Yes, I remember how she signed the girls up for all that and then expected you to take them on your time. Very controlling of her, I must say. Your answer (this time) will be nice and accusing (even though her wanting to put appointments of your calendar is controlling behavior). If she doesn't get the message loud and clear....then you can always say it a little stronger the next time around.