Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Wife moved out, won't come back home

Sounds like you've made her believe you want to replace her with someone better. You are not only saying it, you appear to be taking action on it...at least based on what she sees.



How do you think it's supposed to start? She may not know what she wants right now...but she knows what she doesn't. The things she is saying you did wrong, are you addressing them? Are you working on them? It doesn't sound like you are taking her seriously.



What exactly do you think she should/could be giving you right now? I think you need to check your expectations.

Now is the time to focus on you. Work on you.



That all sounds like typical WAS talk. She is unhappy, so is projecting that on everything.



Wow, you really have high expectations. Do you always only do something nice for someone with the expectation of something in return?



Again, that's more of the same isn't it? When will you do something different? At what point will you stop thinking she is the problem and work on you?



Ya think? Is there something more important than your marriage? It doesn't matter what you say....what matters is what you do.



How so? How are you addressing it?



Every single one of these is about her. I think what Bond is asking you is what are the things YOU should/could be working on...complaints your W has about you. What don't you like about your role in the marriage?



You seem to have an awful lot of anger, especially for someone who admits to having relationships outside of the M. How are you addressing this?

Have you read DR yet? If not, start there...and back off the pressure on your W. Give her space for now and start digging into you. When you finish DR, check out The Five Love Languages.

djhartm, this is hard work buddy...and it's gonna take a fair amount of time. I'm not trying to bash you, but you do need to look at things differently. The way you have been going about things does not work. The way you think about how your M is supposed to work, clearly does not. So get to reading, and keep posting.

Your list of everything that YOU perceive is HER problem.

I haven't seen you really take responsibility for the things that you may have done to get the two of you into this position. It's not all her fault. How about being completely honest and detail (not just certain instances) how you have contributed to the M breaking down?

Be honest. In a way I can see why your first M didn't work out. If you read and really understand the message of DB/DR, you'll see it's about affecting change within yourself. Pointing out the faults of your W isn't going to help because the only person you can change is yourself.

And for the record, we can tell when someone is trying to minimize their contributions to the relationship failing, so if you want to get some real help in not only getting back your W but also having a truly fulfilling relationship to last a lifetime, you have to be completely honest.

Solid advice and comments; thanks to all.

Such a difficult spot to be in.

I will articulate what I feel I have done to contribute to this mess is a forthcoming email. Needless to say, I do take responsibility and know that change on my part is required for this, or any future relationship to be tenable.

It is just very difficult. Sometimes she will text and call me to share parts of her day, then ignore me/go dark. I'm trying to just focus on me * I told the counselor I was going to stop asking her to move back home because she always responds with a 'no'. But she won't talk to me a) on a regular basis (she said something to the effect that she wants to see what life is like on her own during the last session, and b) seems to avoid talking about how we go about fixing this. Yet, and this I don't understand, accepts my gifts and goes to therapy with me.

A week or so back she told me she was entitled to half of my home in CA. I checked with attorneys and that is malarkey. Should I tell her that at the session tomorrow or just put it under the rug?

<sigh>

It is hard...and its going to take time. But dig in and do the work....its not only the only way to save your M, its the only way to save you.

I would stop asking her to move back in...that's pressure. She's not ready to fix it....so focus on you for now.

And I wouldn't talk about anything regarding the D. What's the benefit? If it gets to that point, let the attorneys handle.

Really thinking on bailing on the therapy session today. I feel like I am chasing my tail like a foolish dog; making all the effort while she sits there 'checked out'.

She doesn't seem to know what exactly she wants, particularly with regard to our marriage/relationship, and for the last 3 sessions we've made zero forward progress.

She can't seem to decide if she wants to work on the marriage or if there is hope (though I *think* she said she thought so when the therapist asked).

She doesn't want to do anything with me and what communication we have is all topical.

How difficult would it have been for her to text me after her massage to say 'thanks'?

[censored] this.

Are you sure you read DB? You still make it all about her when there were issues that YOU had to cause all of this. Just judging from what you've posted here, I understand why she doesn't want to respond to you, yet you don't. Where's your list of faults from your side?

If you want to F this, then you might as well file and get another W with whom you'll have the exact same issues with because you fail to understand THEIR point of view. She is entitled to it and is perfectly in the right to ignore you. You can't control her which is what's driving you nuts.

Really listen to what Mr. Bond is saying here.

You cannot base your decisions off of your W's reactions right now. If you hang your every move or feeling off of her reactions you will never be happy. MAKE YOU HAPPY AND BETTER FIRST, the rest will follow. She does NOT want to see the same old you, which is what I see with your latest post.

Maybe you should choose individual counseling (IC) for just you, to sort out the you problems, huh?

Sounds advice MrBond.

Methinks I need to chill.

She did text me & thank me for the massage & said she will see me at the therapist this afternoon.

Also, the therapist said by not showing, I send the wrong message. She said the process is going to be slow going as the W needs to rebuild trust in me.

I just need to chill & focus on improving myself, which is very difficult because I am very uncomfortable not being in control of situations.

Thanks pudmuddle, great advice from you as well.

I will follow.

So start by writing down your list. That's a good place to see where you need to improve.