Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers One giant leap forward! - Part 7

When she left, I 100% completely blamed myself. I looked at my behaviour and it was lacking.
At the same time we had an autistic 2 year old and a 6 month old baby who was still up through the night and was lactose intolerant.
W had just lost her job and financially it was hard.
We were both tired.

Over the last 12 months I have looked at it in another way.

After being on here I realized that I was 50% responsible and I always will be for the S.
I wasn't my best and neither was W.


I have realistically done what I can.

She wanted something that she isn't going to get. I believe she still wants something that I cannot provide.
A holiday every weekend.
An alpha male H does what she says.
Someone who stands up for her but not too her.

I could have done better. I have tried to be better and I still do.

T, don't beat yourself up, you did the best you could with what you had.

Great points, Gineen. We all had our role in the downfall of our marriages and eventually, it's just time.

Let me ask you this, if your actions caused pain to another but you didn't know about it, is what you did morally wrong? What about if you KNOW what you're doing is causing harm and you do it anyway? That is the difference between a WAS and a LBS. The LBS may have contributed to the M failing, but in almost every case they didn't even know it. And once they find out, what do they do? Scour the internet and library trying to find out what they did wrong and how to fix it. That's how we end up here. And we work HARD to fix ourselves.

Meanwhile, what does the WAS do? Nothing. NOTHING. Not only did most WAS's contribute just as much to the failing of the M, they are wholly responsible for the actual breaking up of the M, the bomb dropping, separation, and eventually divorce.

My W has driven us steadily towards D since BD. She bought the gun, bought the ammo and loaded the gun. I'm not going to pull the trigger for her.

I understand that some people have financial issues that maybe can only be resolved through D, but if that's not the case then I do not agree with you that it just doesn't matter who actually files. Maybe it means nothing to you, but it means a LOT to me.

But those LBS's who take that step, I don't hold it against them, every sitch is different.

I think some of us see as the trigger being pulled as different things.

For me, my W pulled the trigger when she decided to lie to me and left the piecing process after 3 weeks and started an R with OM2.

Friday when I was on my way to pick kids up I text W to say I would be a bit late because of the traffic. She thanked me for keeping her informed. A strange reply from her considering it means being late.

Saturday was a good day with the kids.

Saturday night I went out. The guy I was with is someone who sells things to the company I work for.
I met him about 7 years ago and speak to him every few months.
He was buying dinner too, through his company.
We had a good night. He has been going through a similar time to me with his marriage. They split for 6 months and then he went back as she agreed to work on it. They had a MC but his W wouldn't let the past go and wouldn't discuss sex which he thought was lacking in the R. He left after that and they are planning D.
We chatted about our situations. I'm didn't tell him everything but I did talk about some stuff.
It was good to speak to someone in person in a similar sitch.

He mentioned that I seem like a different person. He said 7 years ago I stuttered quite a lot where now I come across as very at ease. I then realized that I was at a bar (a place I used to be very uncomfortable in) , I was very relaxed, looking good (best dressed there) and feeling good.
I told him about some of the things I have been working on to be the best me I can be.

He was telling me about people spying on his FB and telling his W everything he was doing. I told him that somethings I had put on had gotten back to W because some of her family is on mine. I said it doesn't bother me as I have nothing to hide and if I did I wouldn't put it on FB. After that (as a joke) he was checking us in on FB everywhere we went and said it would give everyone something to talk about.

I left at 23:40 to get home for the babysitter and I had the kids to deal with in the morning.
I had been in bed an hour and he was still checking us both in to bars and clubs and telling people we were entering a dance contest and I was winning. I was laughing so hard!

I had a really good night. 2nd Saturday night out in a row, that is a first for me.


When I was taking the kids back yesterday W asked where I was dropping them off. I asked what she preferred, her house is a little further but way easier to get the kids in the house and her parents is slightly nearer but it was more difficult to get the kids in.
I remember when I was writing the text for some reason to make sure I don't put a kiss at the end of the text (out of habit).
She replied with "Drop them off at mine then x"

I know and she has said many times before that she doesn't put a kiss on a text unless she means it.
When I got that text I thought what the hell is her game! Whatever it is I don't want anything to do with it! Granted it could be gratitude.
I got to her house and I was I was getting the kids in she tried to engage me in conversation, telling me about stuff her Mom had said and other things. I briefly acknowledged what she was saying then kissed and hugged the kids and left.

Previously any of that sort of behaviour I would have been well happy about and this is normally what happens before she reaches out to me.
I have no idea what is going on and there is no point in trying to guess. It could be something it could be nothing. All I know is I don't want apart of it if it is something.

It got me thinking on the way home what I would have to see from here to have an interest. All I could come up with is a very very long time of her proving herself. I look at our R and I'm happier not being in it (WAS feelings).

T,
That sounds like a great evening out! I laughed my a$$ off just reading about it, so actually experiencing it must have been so funny!

I enjoy reading about you starting doing this! Do keep it going!
It sounds like your W is on a major rollercoaster and like you actually took One giant leap forward! Stick to your guns – I still believe she will come at you once again.

All the best!
F

P.S. By the way – I have to agree with AS on the points about the gun! I see it the same way as he does even though I totally get all the other points written by caring people.
I helped her get the gun and load it up but she pulled the trigger. I am sorry for my doings and do regret it but that won’t make me help her do the final action – I won’t help W do this, but I haven’t got financial issues with her.

I get you so well when financials or likewise is involved and I do believe you should look at this through your own and your children’s eyes – what will make the best possible life for you at this moment. Maximize your possible happiness and leave W be! Leave thoughts of possible R be and look at your life right now!
Your proposals sound fair to me and I know you will keep them this way!

Good for you!

W text me last night asking if I had any restaurant vouchers for the vacation she is going on at Christmas that she could buy off me.

At first I was angry because she might as well be rubbing my face in it that she is going away with kids and possibly OM2 and at xmas.
Then I thought that it was a strange thing to ask me. She could have looked on the internet or literally asked anyone else in the world.
Then I thought that maybe it's more about the fact that she is asking me stupid questions and maybe reminding me on purpose.

Again, I don't know.
I thought about for about 20 seconds and simply replied that I don't and went on with my day.
I find it helps when I think about how I felt before the text and where I stood. I then act from that place.


The estate agents phoned me up today to say they had a viewer for the house. It dawned on me that even if I wanted to sell it right now I can't because of W's Matrimonial Home Rights. Off the market the house comes then.


Something I have noticed lately that is very random about mind-reading. I'm watching the last season of 'Dexter' right now. The main character (Dexter) will see something, completely mind-read how it got there or the reason why, narrate that to the audience and it becomes fact and part of the story. My eyes have never rolled so much!

This is an email I'm planning on sending to W:

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"Hi,

I have been looking at what I can borrow regarding a divorce settlement.
I could go to £3,000 if I was to file or £3,500 if you were to file.
The reason being is I would have to pay nearly £500 in court costs if I was to file. I have been told that you probably wouldn't have to but that would need checking.
Let me know what you think.

T1000"
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or

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"Hi,

I have been looking at what I can borrow regarding a divorce settlement.
I could go to £3,000 if I was to file or £3,500 if you were to file.
The reason being is I would have to pay nearly £500 in court costs if I was to file. I have been told that you probably wouldn't have to but that would need checking.
Both figures are more than half the equity minus the debt.

Let me know what you think.

T1000"
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I purposely didn't go into equity (on the first message) and about who would have to agree to what regarding to who files in this first message.

I'm not sure if I should go anywhere near the equity unless I need to.

Thoughts?

T,

IMHO: State your opinion and don’t defend or discuss it unless needed. I would go with the first one!

I like the words: Straight to the point, honest but still nice!

F